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Be honest! Are you a people-pleaser? Do you face trouble saying no or setting boundaries? Are you tortured by the idea that someone might not like you? If yes, then let’s be genuine. You are a people-pleaser, and you need to change doing that. But how to stop being a people pleaser and start doing what is right for you? In this post, we will talk all about people pleasing and how to stop pleasing people.
Some people can’t help but want everyone to like them. Sometimes they sacrifice their own needs and desires. People-pleasers want everyone around them to be happy, and they will do anything to keep it that way. They put everyone else before themselves. For some, saying yes is a habit. For others, it is like an addiction that makes them feel like they need to be needed. This makes them feel important. They feel like they are contributing to others’ lives. But you are not going to do it anymore. I want you to learn to say no to others and say yes to yourself. The only person I want you to please is you. And I will tell you how to stop being a people pleaser.
What causes people-pleasing?
Let us analyse the root cause of people-pleasing. The truth about people pleasing is that we do it to make others happy, apparently! We even sacrifice a few things to see that smile on others’ faces. We want them to unshed their load by making them smile, and we let ours keep piling up. But the real problem is that we make people-pleasing a habit as it makes us feel good and massages our egos. Helping people is a good thing to do, but when you ignore your own mental well-being and go the extra mile to help others just because you can’t say no, it is something to be worried about.
The other reason and root cause for pleasing people is poor self-esteem. Many of you do not value your own needs, desires and wants. You lack basic self-confidence, and therefore, you seek external validation. You think that when you will help others, they will approve of you, give you the attention and praise you. And it gives you an ego boost or ego massage and lift your poor self-esteem up.
Many times our childhood conditioning is also a reason for our people-pleasing nature. We all have grown up as kids where abiding by adults’ commands, always being nice to others and not saying no was always encouraged and rewarded. Saying no or turning others’ requests down was considered impolite and inappropriate. And as we grew up we tagged along with this habit of pleasing people and made it part of our lives.
Another reason for your people-pleasing habit could be that you want to come across as a person who is extra sweet and goes an additional mile to help others because you want to be accepted by others. You worry if you do not please people, they will turn you down and exclude you from their lives. You fear living alone and you have a strong need to be accepted! But it is again another form of insecurity that you are breeding within and indicates that you are an emotionally weak personality.
I have been there!
There was a time when I used to live my life just to please the people around me. I used to come up with thousands of reasons why I could not prioritise my work and fitness. But I instead, made sure to manage the house well, look after the groceries, meet parents’ expectations, be a responsible family member, eat dinner with family, give time to friends, entertain relatives, attend formal office parties and whatnot! And when I got a little leftover time, I used to work on my own things.
This routine started to get boring and frustrating. I started cribbing daily and became resentful of my situation. It was all disturbing my mental peace. My office was taking advantage of me, and my friends sucked my energy dry.
But I kept showing up for everyone in an attempt to keep them happy, meeting and exceeding their expectations while overlooking my own needs and wants. In fact, I was so obsessed that I felt responsible for everyone around me.
Then there came a point when I totally gave up and was burnt out. It is then I decided not to do it anymore and not live my life to please others. I decided to reset my life and reconnect with myself. I was determined to lead my life by being true to myself and pleasing the only person who is probably the most important person in my life. And that’s me!
As they say, you have your relationship with yourself first and when you realise that, you stop pleasing others. But it will never be easy. People will blame you for being selfish, guilt-trap you, blackmail you emotionally, and whatnot? Most people will even boycott you or drift away from you. But in the end, your life will be more sorted and simple. You will be happier and at peace. And whatever people and friends you will be left with in your life would be the ones worth holding onto.
The danger of being a people-pleaser
People-pleasing is not a habit to cultivate as it poses a danger of making you emotionally drained, stressed and burnt out. Yes, our society encourages people-pleasing, but it can backfire. Here are a few dangers of people-pleasing:
- There is a loss of a sense of self and you can be completely out of touch with things that make you happy or angry.
- You become deaf and dumb to your own needs, wants and wellbeing.
- It lowers your self-esteem as you seek validation from others, and meeting others’ needs makes you feel accepted and worthwhile.
- You find it difficult to set boundaries and let others step over you more often than anticipated.
- It puts you in self-doubt as you put your worth in others.
- It can lead to exhaustion and burn you out.
- It can lead to anxiety as you believe people can’t manage on their own without your help.
- It prevents you from being your authentic self and expressing your true feelings.
- It can often lead to loneliness. Even though people-pleasers are liked by many, they are not able to make an authentic relationship with others as they expose only a part of themselves that they think will be accepted. And most of the time people do not know who they really are.
- People-pleasers are often taken advantage of as they lack the ability to say no, and others take them for granted as they are nice and docile.
- It is easy for people-pleasers to harbour resentment and grudge. It is because their intention to please others is to seek validation and acceptance, and when they do not get it, they become resentful of others.
It is certainly true that there are numerous dangers of being a people-pleaser, but we can break this habit. So how to stop being a people pleaser and do things that are right for you? Here is how I did it, and so can you!
How to stop being a people pleaser but still be nice?
I am sure by now, you want to stop being a people pleaser and yet be nice. So, here are my 7 tips that you can deploy to break your habit of people-pleasing and yet be nice to others:
1. Seek internal validation
Most people-pleasers are desperate for validation and appreciation. They want to feel needed. So they become over the top helpful and end up saying yes to everyone. This makes their confidence dependent purely based on external forces- the approval of others and not internal forces.
I want you to rely on internal validation and not external if you want to break this habit of people-pleasing. The best way to fight people-pleasing is to build up what makes you feel good. If you feel good, you do not need others to make you feel good. Do things that make you feel fulfilled, and be with people who make you feel awesome without having to do anything for them. Remind yourself that you already have a lot going for you.
People-pleasing is an addiction that pleases no one.
2. Start with small No’s
It is hard to go cold turkey on pleasing people, so start with small no’s. For example, if you do not want to go to a party, but you feel guilty about it, you can go but a little late so that you do not have to stay up there the whole night. Or if someone wants to grab dinner with you, do a shorter coffee day instead. See how you go with small no’s so that you can practice saying the bigger ones.
3. Give yourself time
It is really tough to say no to others’ personal requests. It is even harder if you are a people-pleaser. So when a friend asks you to help her find a new outfit for some special occasion, you default to ‘sure.’ Or when a colleague asks you to be a part of their project without thinking you say ‘okay.’ And then you immediately regret it! Then you get angry at them and get angry at yourself for saying yes. That’s why I always tell all the people-pleasure not to even try to give an answer immediately. Make a rule that when someone asks you for something, your default answer should be: let me get back to you. You can say you have to check your schedule, you have a to-do list for your spouse. Whatever just buy yourself some time. Then you have some space to think about it and respond honestly by email or text with a polite no. This is so much easier than doing it in person, and it gives you a fair chance to make the right choice.
Remember, the right answer is: let me get back to you. And it is always the best answer to resort to.
So, when you ask me how to stop being a people pleaser but still be nice, I will advise that you do not respond to a request immediately, buy some time to think and then respond by text or email with a polite no as it is much easier than doing it in person. You can also say things like I wanted to help you as much, but I am sorry I am preoccupied. However, is there any other way I can help you?
4. Know your goals
It’s much easier to say no to other people’s lives when you know what to say yes to in your life. Once a week, I sit down and re-evaluate my long term and short term goals for the week. I want to know what I am doing this week that will make me closer to where I want to be in the next five years. When I have this thing sorted in my head, it is so much easier to say no to requests because I have to make time for my goals right now!
So my questions are:
- Where do you want to be in 5 years’ time?
- What are you doing right now to get yourself there?
These answers will make it easier for you to focus on yourself.
5. Get rid of toxic people
As you have been reading this post on how to stop being a people pleaser, is there one specific person you have been thinking of? You might have a toxic person in your life who is constantly asking you for things and you are sucked into pleasing them. If you have a toxic person in your life please get them out.
Here is a post about signs of toxic people. Please go through it and you will thank me later!
6. Stop apologising
If you say no, say it with conviction and own it. Don’t apologise because you have to prioritise. Do not feel bad because you have some things you have to take care of. You are in fact, standing up for yourself. And remember, if you are not standing for yourself, no one else will.
So instead of saying ‘I should do what others expect of me,’ you can say ‘I will live authentically.’
Instead of saying ‘I should dim my light,’ you can say ‘I will let my light shine.’
Instead of saying ‘I shouldn’t say that they will judge me,’ you can say ‘I will speak my truth and honour my values.’
Instead of saying ‘I should be more productive,’ you can say ‘I will trust my natural rhythm.’
Instead of saying ‘I should not eat that,’ you should say ‘I will eat to feel energetic and satisfied.’
7. Realize that you are not responsible for everything
It is one of my greatest lessons- letting go of my obsession with controlling all situations. The burden of ensuring that everything is right and making everyone happy was costing me my mental and physical health. It was affecting my relationships with myself and with others.
And when I uncovered this pattern of mine, I created space for myself and let things happen without my presence. It gave me an opportunity to see how others stepped up and took responsibility for their own needs. It also gave me a chance to invest in myself and my well-being.
I strongly recommend you do the same in your life. I am confident you can now do it. I want you to stop people-pleasing and start doing things that are right for you by prioritising yourself over others. When you open your heart to yourself, you eliminate the tendency to over-give.
Always remember, we all show our love and support to people we care about, but we need to also receive as much as we give. We need to create a balance for achieving our own zen.
I hope this helps!
So, do you find it hard to receive? If yes, set your priorities right, create a balance, learn to say no and let go of your obsession to please everyone. Do things that let you fill your own cup!
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