Stop Putting Others First! Why Putting Yourself Before Others is not Selfish?

Are you in the habit of putting others before yourself?

Do you often wonder why I put others before myself too much?

Do you feel that you spend your life pleasing others and making them happy most of the time?

Putting others before yourself, often described as selflessness, is a concept that involves prioritizing the needs and well-being of others over your own. Putting others first can be healthy when done in the right way. It can lead to a sense of satisfaction, meaning in life, and improved coping with challenges. It is seen as a virtuous quality and can have both positive and negative implications, depending on how it is practiced.

However, it’s essential to maintain healthy boundaries and not neglect one’s own well-being. Prioritizing yourself when necessary is a sign of self-respect and helps prevent burnout.

Putting others first is a good habit and can enhance your general satisfaction with life, but it can quickly become counterproductive if it becomes your daily ritual. Putting others first is a novel thing to do, but it is not always the correct approach to life. Sometimes, it is essential to put yourself first, because putting yourself before others is not selfish!

But it is easier said than done!

People do not appreciate it when you start putting yourself before others and start frowning. It is how they have seen you. But when you change, people will resist it as they have become comfortable with the status quo. Some of your friends will start despising you. They will tell you that you are no longer being yourself and have become selfish.

But is it true? Is it what you signed for? The last thing you want is for people to judge you, and for what? For taking care of yourself by putting yourself before others?

Like seriously!

Raise your hand if you can relate to what I mentioned above. It is common for people to take you for granted when you always give too much and too soon.

I will be honest with you. I have been on the other side and put others first, only to realize what a waste of time it was. I didn’t feel any wrong putting others first when it all started. But with time, I realized people started taking me for granted, and my efforts were going unacknowledged.

I was so engrossed in putting others first that I overlooked my happiness and well-being. And it was not worth it. The people for whom I sacrificed my priorities were living their lives on their terms, not giving back, and like they owed me nothing at all.

So, it was time for me to fix it all up and clean up the mess!

I started to prioritize my needs first and started putting myself before others. To my dismay, people turned against me like I was the bad one.

Seriously?

When you enter a relationship with others, you prioritize your relationship to make it work. You put your partner’s needs first and overlook yours to strengthen the bond. And it sets the norm. But time changes, and so do the dynamics of relationships. You realize it is time to focus on yourself and let the other person steer the relationship. But it can quickly become the most challenging thing you could have ever asked for.

Read also: If Putting Yourself First Feels Weird, READ THIS! 

To me, putting others before yourself is always an unwanted formality that stems from the idea of pleasing others. Sometimes, it is advisable to put others first for the greater good. But you need serious thinking if you often practice it as a daily chore.

Putting others before yourself, or selflessness, can be a noble quality that contributes positively to society. However, it should be balanced with self-care and healthy boundaries to ensure that personal well-being is not compromised.

So, you should put yourself before others for the sake of your own happiness. It is perfectly okay to put yourself first without feeling guilty. The act of putting yourself first is not selfish! 

Make yourself a priority once in a while. It is not selfish. It is necessary.

So, if you often question why I put others before myself too much, look no further! It is time to put yourself first, reclaim your happiness, and recreate your life.

At the end of the day, you are your longest commitment.

Why is it important to put yourself first?

Putting yourself first is the greatest gift you can give yourself. When you put yourself first, you become aware of your relationship with yourself, which you have neglected for so long.

I suffered the cost of ignoring my relationships with myself until I realized that I was living in a fool’s paradise. I forgot the most important person in life (myself) by putting others before myself. When I started to put myself before others, I began reconnecting with my former self and healing emotionally. 

Another thing is that when you put yourself before others, you form a more meaningful connection with yourself on a much deeper level. You learn to listen to your inherent needs and the subconscious mind and resolve your inner conflicts. As a result, you become more self-aware. Putting yourself before others is a self-awareness journey that you embark on. 

Apart from this, by putting yourself before others, you help yourself to heal emotionally. 

So, the outcome of putting yourself first is that you emerge as a mature, sorted, healthy, and happy individual despite all the accusations and resistance. 

What else could you have asked for?

Wise people say you should choose yourself before you choose others!

We all want to be happy! We also may project to the outer world that we are delighted. But internally, your words are not in conformity with your thoughts. The primary reason behind this duality of your life is that you live to please others. 

You often feel that you cannot make yourself happy because you always put others first at the cost of your time, desires, and needs. This habit not only sucks you dry but also impedes your progress in life, leaving you unhappy and resentful. 

Also read: How to let go of resentment in a relationship?

“Happiness is what you think, what you say, and what you do, are in harmony.”

So, if you habitually put your friends and family above yourself and want to put yourself first without feeling guilty, do it. Take a pause and then stop. Ignoring your needs for others drains you of your energy and rips off your inner peace. 

I asked a friend about his thoughts on putting others before himself, and what he said struck me really hard:

Keeping others before 'me', becomes a habit we do not even realize. We may even continue to live like this for years, only to learn one day - Oh! What a wasteful thing I had been doing by pleasing others. Despite all the efforts, people are still angry, dissatisfied, and complaining. They are still not happy with me, no matter what I do. I have invested my time, energy, and efforts. I even overlooked my desires and priorities sometimes. But to no avail. Déjà vu! - Akram Ali

It comes as a sudden eye-opener. While doing so, you sacrificed many things, and on top of that, most of your efforts went unrecognized. So, my advice will be to not wait for this reality check and pull up your socks. You should instead invest in yourself before others drain you of your reserves. 

Let me ask you, why not? Life is all about trade-offs. Decide for yourself what you want in life: to make yourself happy and attain peace or please others and make them happy instead.

While you may want to keep your gang happy by being attentive to their needs, this cannot be true for everyone. It shouldn’t mean you kick everyone out and only work towards your pursuits, but it means that you should prioritize yourself and a few people over everyone else. 

It will help you spend more time with yourself, focus on people who matter the most, and work towards your pursuits. 

Is putting others before yourself a weakness?

Putting others before yourself is not inherently a weakness. It can be a sign of empathy, kindness, and selflessness. However, the context and extent to which one prioritizes others can influence whether it is seen as a strength or a weakness.

1. Healthy Selflessness: Putting others first can be healthy when done in the right way. It demonstrates strength of character and empathy. Selflessness can foster strong relationships and a sense of community, which are essential for mental well-being.
2. Weak Personality: On the contrary, some argue that consistently putting others before oneself without boundaries can indicate a weak personality. It may lead to being dominated or taken advantage of, especially when it’s taken to an extreme.
3. Strength of Mind: Giving into others’ wishes, when necessary, can actually be a sign of strength and self-awareness. It reflects the ability to adapt and prioritize relationships over individual desires.
4. Balancing Act: Balancing one’s own needs with those of others is essential. Being too selfless to the detriment of one’s well-being can be detrimental, just as extreme selfishness can harm relationships.

In conclusion, putting others before yourself can be a virtue when done thoughtfully and in moderation. It’s essential to strike a balance that considers both your well-being and the needs of others, avoiding extremes that can lead to weaknesses or vulnerabilities.

Why do we struggle with the idea of putting ourselves first?

Many of us struggle with the idea of putting ourselves first. And there could be many reasons for the same. For example, we grew up believing we should always put others first and ignore our desires. We learned that attending to our needs and wants will not somehow be taken in a positive light. It will be considered an act of selfishness, self-centeredness & arrogance. 

I grew up with this. On the one hand, saying no to others was considered taboo. On the other hand, obeying the commands and being a yes man was acknowledged and rewarded. And it may be true for most of us. Therefore, childhood conditioning, the culture we thrive in, and personal predisposition are the significant factors determining our propensity to put others first or prioritize ourselves. 

"I finally learned to stop setting myself on fire to keep others warm."

It is no wonder that most of you find yourself attending to the needs of others and putting others first by prioritizing them. And there could be many reasons that you are putting others before yourself:

• Your childhood conditioning could be one of the reasons because you grew up observing people in your family and social circles, putting others’ needs first.
• You are taking it as a moral responsibility and social obligation to help others at the expense of your happiness.
• You believe that somebody else’s happiness is more important than your satisfaction. 
• You feel that making others happy will make you happy.
• You have this tendency to please others and be a yes-man. It is one of the reasons for putting others before yourself. 
• Sometimes, you find it tough to deny or say no and succumb to indirect pressures only to regret it immediately. 
• You feel uncomfortable when you start saying no because you are unsure how people will react to it, and you fear their reaction. For example, people can call you selfish or self-centred when you say no to them and put your needs first.

Recommended Read: Sacrificing too much? 10 things you should never Sacrifice for a Relationship!

What are the repercussions of putting yourself before others?

Every action in this world has an equal and opposite reaction. So, when you put yourself first and prioritize yourself, there will be repercussions that you must prepare to deal with. There is an associated opportunity cost of putting yourself before others. You will lose many people in life. In fact, some of them will leave you right away, and some in time.

Moreover, deciding to make yourself a priority will invite many judgments and raise eyebrows from unexpected people. People in your social circle will be affected as erstwhile benefits of time, emotions, & ubiquitous availability are no longer available. Some of them may even ‘society guilt’ you and make you feel worse about the change. Your act of putting yourself before others may even become blasphemous.

So do not be shocked! Be prepared to be blamed, put down, or abandoned.

But you do not have to worry about it. Most of the people who turn against you are the ones who themselves are selfish and self-centred in the first place. The real people who care for you will still be there no matter what. In fact, it is better to see it as an act of cleansing and social detox to weed unwanted people out. People who genuinely love you will understand, support, and stand by you! 

So, the act of putting yourself before others will serve two primary purposes in life. One, it will help you become happy and effective as an individual. Secondly, it will pull the negative people out of your life. 

Kudos, you can hit two birds with one stone! 

Why putting yourself first is not selfish?

Putting yourself first is not selfish. It is an act of loving yourself and giving yourself what you want. It is not something intended to harm anyone or go against anyone. It is an act of kindness that one showers on himself. How can this act be selfish? In fact, it is an antithesis to being selfish. Loving and making time for yourself can never be selfish. 

My life has taught me that only if I am happy can I make others happy. So, I live by this mantra.

My joyous state of mind is a precursor to my ability to make others happy. And therefore, my focus should be on 'Me' first. I have stopped wondering how to put myself before others without feeling guilty, and I am not shy about putting myself first. Not anymore! 

Also, see ‘Putting Yourself Before Others Infographics:’

5 reasons why putting yourself before others is not selfish

Here are five reasons why putting yourself before others is not selfish:

1. Putting yourself first before others doesn’t mean you have any malicious intent 

What do we fear the most? To be called the wrong person? However, being a wrong person is a notion associated with someone with malicious intent. Self-love, self-care, and spending time pursuing your interests, hobbies, and choices in no way means a bad intention toward anyone. It instead means that you want to have a positive engagement with yourself. And I do not see anything wrong with that!

2. Pleasing yourself doesn’t mean you’re displeasing others 

When you put yourself before others, it is an effort directed towards yourself rather than being directed against someone else. It means you take care of yourself first. You respect your emotions and life and are working towards a content state of mind. It is simply choosing yourself before choosing others. And as a result, you get less irritated, less pressed on time, and become less complaining. It also means that you start to heal emotionally and stay true to yourself! Ultimately, it all leads to a positive frame of mind, more energy, and empowerment.

3. You have to save yourself before you save others

“Put your oxygen mask first before you help others.”

Have you must have heard this in-cabin announcement in an aeroplane before the take-off? You would have. The point is not that. The fact is that this statement applies to every aspect of your life quite well. It means you should help yourself first by caring for your emotional, financial, physical, mental, and spiritual health!

Only if you have something to give can you help. For example, if you want to help others financially, you need to be financially stable. To impart happiness to others, you need to be joyful within. If you want to help others, you should be physically and mentally happy. To impart peace, you should be peaceful within. Like a beggar who cannot lend money to others, you can’t lend anything to anyone before you own it. So, empower yourself before you intend to empower others! 

If you are altruistic in nature and love to give, you need first to attain peace, happiness, knowledge, and financial stability. To do so, you need to spend considerable time with yourself first rather than being vulnerable to the needs of others. It is always a good idea to put yourself first.

4. You have to take care of yourself eventually 

If you do not find the time to take care of yourself, who else will? You have wasted so many years pleasing others, ran dry catering to people’s demands, and are now too tired to pursue it anymore.

As they say, ‘God helps those who help themselves.’ No one will help you; you must help yourself and achieve your state of nirvana and equilibrium.

One of the benefits of putting yourself first and spending time with yourself is that you spend more time and energy healing yourself emotionally.

And when you heal yourself emotionally, you are taking care of yourself!

5. You can’t change others, but only people can change themselves

So even if you put others first and attend to them, does it help them grow as a person? Is your ubiquitous presence a habit to them or a one-time engagement? When you put others first, occasionally, and see them grow and heal, it is a positive sign. But if it is a routine, it is time to hold back and understand that you can’t change the world, but only people can change themselves. So, no matter how hard you try to put others first, people must help themselves and drive their own lives.

It’s okay when sometimes you do what others want you to do. But this consideration should not become your convention. Pleasing others should not mean displeasing yourself. So, whenever your mind and heart conflict, listen to your heart because the mind has racy thoughts and thinks logically. But the heart follows your instinct!

Trust me, at the end of the day, you will be proud of yourself. You gave importance to your choices and emotions by putting yourself before others.

Why should you not feel guilty about putting yourself first?

Loving yourself does not mean that you don’t love others. And putting yourself first is not something that should make you feel guilty. When you put yourself first, you think of your own emotional and mental well-being. 

Many people find it difficult to attend to their mental and emotional health. Living life to please others can impact your public, personal, and private life. It can have severe repercussions on your overall wellbeing. 

So, put the guilt down. Make yourself the most important person in your life, love yourself, learn to say no, choose to be happy, and put yourself first without guilt. And when you do so, you will empower yourself and recreate your life story. 

“You owe yourself the love you freely give to others.”

Are you still wondering why I put others before myself too much? 

Read the post again. You will find your answers! 

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Thanks again! Do not think twice before putting yourself first, without even an iota of guilt! 

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