Stop Being a Victim & Learn How to Let go of the Past!

I authored this post, ‘how to let go of the past and move on with your life,’ because I know exactly what it feels like to be a prisoner of your past, live a life full of regret, feel powerless, and be stuck in your life. I wasted a substantial portion of my life living in the past. The events from my past not only seemed unfair and unreasonable but also made me feel guilty, ashamed, and bitter. I was obsessed with what went wrong or right, where I went wrong, and how I could have changed my choices if given another chance to change it all. Not just me, many of us feel confined in the shackles of our past. Our past often pulls us out of our current state of consciousness and makes us feel apprehensive and sorrowful, and restrains us from enjoying the present. And if you let other people from your past have an undeniable power over you, it is freezing your true potential in the present. 

I have personally connected with many people, seeking wisdom on the art of letting go. And there was one common theme that emerged out: we all are letting our past rule our future. We let our past experiences, feelings, and beliefs control our present behaviour. It, in turn, reduces our effectiveness in remaining happy in the present. So, the big question is how to let go of the past and move on with your life.

Many of you often question how to let go of someone you love. And more often than not, you often reflect on your past and dwell upon hurtful, broken, and cruel relationships. Many of you still feel resentful for being hurt by someone you loved, for unfavourable circumstances, or endless unfulfilled desires. Most of us are still living in the past and are guilty of the incorrect choices we made in the past and spend much of the brooding over what went wrong and how we would change them if given a second chance.

Yes, we all feel being victims of our past at some point in our lives. Many of us spend a lot of energy and time obsessing over it, living in old memories.  We experience resentment, anger, shame, guilt, and a common desire to change the past.

Unquestionably, we all want to let go of our past, but we do not know how to do so! We are stuck in an infinite loop where the past rules the present, the present rules the future, and the future is a manifestation of our past. We all want to live a life free of pain, anger, resentment, remorse, missed opportunities, undesirable conditions, and unfavourable circumstances. In short, we want to live a life that doesn’t revolve around our former pain.

Also Read: How to get over a break or divorce- 5 steps to move on and rebuild your life.

And here is the good news! We can challenge the status quo and change how we interpret the pain of yesterday. I consumed a substantial portion of my days living in the issues from the past. These events not only seemed improper and illogical but also made me feel guilty, regretful, and resentful. I was haunted by thoughts of where and what went wrong or right and how I could have changed my decisions if given a second chance to change it all. However, I chose to rewrite my life narrative.  I chose not to allow feelings and opinions from the past to limit my effectiveness and peace in the present.   And so can you! If you feel that you have no control over your life anymore, stop thinking this way, and trust me that you have all the strength to change your life and drag yourself out of your yesterday! So let us explore how to let go of the past and start a new life!

If you want to let go of the past and unchain yourself from the shackles of your yesterday, you should be first determined to rediscover yourself, reclaim your happiness, and recreate your life story. And It is high time we talk about how you are leading a life defined by the past and how you can twist it around and change your life.

So are you stuck in the past? Here are a few questions that could help assess if you are stuck in the past:

1. Do you often find yourself thinking about past events or relationships and feeling upset or nostalgic?
2. Have you had difficulty moving on from a past relationship, even if it ended a long time ago?
3. Do you tend to compare your current situation to past situations and feel like things were better in the past?
4. Have you experienced negative consequences in your life due to an unwillingness to let go of past mistakes or regrets?
5. Have you noticed that others have commented on your tendency to bring up past events or situations in conversation, even when they are not relevant to the present moment?
6. Do you feel like you are defined by your past experiences and have a hard time imagining a different future for yourself?
7. Do you avoid trying new things or taking risks because you are afraid of repeating past failures or mistakes?
8. Have you had difficulty forgiving others or yourself for past actions and find yourself dwelling on past hurts or betrayals?
9. Do you feel like your life is “stuck” or that you are not progressing toward your goals, despite your best efforts?
10. Do you feel like you are holding onto something from the past, preventing you from fully enjoying your present or future?

It’s important to remember that these questions are not definitive and that everyone processes their past experiences in their own way.

How your past is affecting your present?

Before we understand how to let go of the past, let us first understand how your past is affecting your present. We cannot deny the fact that we all are the sum total of our past. And the way we handle our past will determine our present life. However, as we embark on an inward journey to our deep-rooted emotions, we begin to understand the things that determine and dictate our life patterns. 

As we hold onto our dissonance-causing emotions and do not let them flow freely through us, we find ourselves feeling uncomfortable. This feeling manifests itself in the form of discomfort somewhere in the body or mind. Perhaps an unresolved emotion that we hold generates a feeling of tightness in the body or an ache in the back. But when we diagnose and navigate through the root cause of such a symptom, we get to the emotions that generated this discomfort. All emotions and feelings are our innate guidance system. All emotions and feelings are valuable and vital to our existence as they guide us to meet our need to lead a happy, healthy and fulfilling life. 

The emotions that remain unmet, unresolved and unsatisfied, emotions that we choose to ignore, displace, numb, or deny, may manifest themselves into unhealthy physical and mental conditions, illness or even a disease. 

Some people resort to drugs & medications to numb the deep-rooted emotions that cause discomfort, while others displace their feelings or remain in denial. Some may even intellectualize such feelings. But I chose to face, accept, and resolve my inner conflicts. I came to terms with them and achieved a state of equilibrium. And so, can you! 

^{YES, YOU CAN CHANGE THE SCRIPT OF YOUR LIFE AND BE YOUR OWN HERO.}

— Akram Ali

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The concept of emotional resonance?

We store our past experiences, thoughts and memories in the cells of our bodies. A cell is the basic functioning unit of all living beings. When a current situation at hand echoes with some past event, situation or incident, we instantly have recollections or a déjà vu. The stored memories are energized and resonate forward into our present. In a way, we are re-experiencing our past. It is called emotional resonance.

The problems arise when our stored memories resonate with unwanted and uncomfortable feelings. It means that a situation at hand (even if it is in a different context) when resonates with an undesirable memory, re-energizes, re-activates and exposes an unhealed wound from the past. Over time, such emotions from the past may become toxic as it finds a way to percolate down into our present life. It may cause even the smallest problem to go out of hand.

The idea is to release the pent-up negative emotions and feelings and uncover the truth. Let the volcano erupt all the fire, heat, lava and poisonous gasses once and for all.  As you free yourself of such negative anchors from the past, you find yourself swimming through the ocean freely, and enjoying your present ride. You are no longer an active volcano ready to be exploded at the behest of a single trigger. And this is how exactly you want to take back control of your life and pull your own strings.

Whenever you reflect on your past, you generally emphasize the unhealthy relationship you had.  You were hurt in the past, mishandled, and have lots of unfulfilled desires from the past. Yes, you made a few wrong choices in life, and you long to change them if another opportunity presents itself. You also missed a few opportunities in life and were the victim of past circumstances. You may even blame someone else for your present situation. You may also exhibit some tendencies of placing yourself in a victim role (maybe very rarely). And the reason, if you are doing so, is that it gives you a comforting feeling. You have mixed feelings of anger, resentment, shame, and guilt that dissuades you from moving on in life.

While there is nothing wrong with the way you feel about your past, giving your past this kind of power to control your life can become absolutely devastating. If you give events, feelings, emotions and people from the past the power to rule your present, it will lead to depression and frustration. It will also attract unhealthy relationships, bad habits, uncomfortable thoughts, and undesirable behaviour. Therefore, we all need a few lessons to learn!

How to let go of the past and move on? 11 Tips to reclaim happiness!

1. Practice forgiveness and the art of letting-go

Forgiveness is one of the best things that you can gift yourself. Therefore, forgive others, and forgive yourself foremost. Let go of your past and also seek forgiveness from others whom you may have wronged. It is the time to release all the pain stored within you and see it vanish away with forgiveness. Practising forgiveness means accepting what happened instead of a wish to go back and change the past. Choose not to hurt yourself in the present because you were hurt in the past.

Many times, people from your past who wronged you may not necessarily show any sign of guilt. And they may be leading a life without even acknowledging their wrongdoings. Regardless of their indifference, you can choose your own path- a path that promises a happy present and a fulfilling future.

2. Leverage on your strengths from the past

It is the time to change your perspective and shift your focus on what you have gained from the past- life wisdom, experience, a positive story, and a journey to self-discovery. You have come a long way, and you need to leverage your strengths acquired from the past.

If you were bullied or abused, you became warmer and more sensitive towards people; if you were a victim of infidelity, you choose to remain chaste and transparent; if you were too dependent on someone, chances are you are independent now. In fact, now you are able to help others and make their life easy. It is all about recognizing your evolution, and understanding all that happened, happened for a larger good.

3. Do not let negative past experiences cloud your mind

While it is important to express your emotions, brooding over them is not a solution. Negative thinking can seep in very easily, barges in without knocking and can cloud your mind. It is absolutely unproductive, and distractive and takes you away from the positives in life. It makes it harder for you to let go of your glorious past! Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you will reap the true benefits of your present.

4. Stop being the victim

When you put yourself in the mindset of being a victim of certain circumstances or people, your mind becomes plagued, and you actually start behaving like one. All your thoughts connect you back to your past. Do not be a victim of any situation and make your own destiny. Always remember that you are in control of your fate, and you were never a victim, and you will never be the one. In fact, you are not a victim but a survivor. Acknowledge it and live the life of a fighter.

Now that you know that you are living in the past and how can you bounce back in life, follow these simple and actionable steps to recreate your life:

5. Try affirmations and feed yourself the right thoughts

If you constantly talk about your past, it is a sign that you are living in it. This makes it very difficult for you to enjoy the present, let alone create a happy tomorrow.

One good technique is to make affirmations with positive intentions. For example, you may follow the affirmation: “I have left the past behind and have fully embraced the present. I am happily enjoying my present, and a beautiful future is awaiting me.” You can repeat this ten times in the morning as soon as you get up and, in the evening, before you retire to bed.

The idea is to feed the right thoughts to your mind. So instead of saying that I wish I could go back and change my past and I can’t believe it happened to me, say things like I am grateful that I made it so far and that a promising future is awaiting me. When you do so, you are feeding your mind with positive thoughts. And it is a kind of signal you are sending to your mind to move on.

6. Do not fear and resist change

Change means uncertainty, and uncertainty brings the fear of the unknown. While change can mean a better future, we often tend to resist it. If you resist change, it means that you are living comfortably in your past and holding yourself away from embracing a better future.

The best solution to reclaim your life is to understand that change is inevitable. If you fear change, you are invariably embracing the affirmation that the potential future is uncertain. Acknowledge that the fear of change is something in your mind and is ‘only a fear’. It is not actual, and the future will unfold itself based on how you manifest your future to be.

7. Break the loop

There is a strong possibility that you are recreating your past circumstances. You have a few unresolved conflicts and issues from the past that you never faced, accepted and resolved. And when you move on in life to a new job, relationship, situation, and city without actually resolving your past conflicts, you may find yourself facing the same situation again in life. There is no running away. Life comes back!

The solution is that when you observe such a pattern repeating, regress to your past and confront it. Resolve your previous conflicts, and accept your shortcomings, situations and circumstances. Seek forgiveness and close the loop. Take this as an opportunity to grow and evolve into a higher version of yourself. Learn from your past and implement it in your present. For example, if someone is dominating you, you may decide to take a stand for yourself, unlike in your past.

8. Be flexible and adaptable

Your flexible attitude speaks a lot about you, your personality and your past. If you are inflexible, it means that you are coming from a situation where you believe that “this is what I have done so far in my life and this is how I am.”

The solution is obvious. Try being more flexible in your approach to life. Be more kind to yourself and others by bending sometimes. Draw inspiration from your surroundings, like nature and the trees. The trees, no doubt, always stand up tall but bend with the winds of change. Inculcating such small examples from your surrounding will foster flexibility and will liberate you from the shackles of your past.

9. Venture out of your comfort zone

If you are comfortably numb in your current situation, you are afraid to get out of your comfort zone. It is a habit formed in your past, and it indicates that you were averse to taking risks in it. While being risk-averse is okay sometimes, it can potentially snatch away the greatest rewards and opportunities that often lie at the edge of your comfort zone.

One solution to change the status quo is to take one step at a time while venturing out of your comfort zone. Take action on it one by one. Take up things you wanted to do, and act upon them. For example, pick up one habit that was ignored the most, like going for a regular jog. Start small and take action now. One day you will realize that you left your past behind, came a long way in life and built a promising future.

10. Do not live a life full of comparisons

People often live their life comparing themselves with others. And often a time this comparison seeks a reference from your past. If you compare your present with your past, you are living in your past. And it means you are letting your past dictate your present and future.

The solution is to make determined efforts to trust your present, rely on it, and focus on it solely. Focus on the aspects of your current relationships that you enjoy the most. Practice gratitude and an abundance mindset. For example, you may make a list of things that you are thankful for like, a comfortable bed, a beautiful life, an understanding partner, family, etc. It will make you enjoy your present and make your relationship with other people and things more meaningful.

Read Also: How to stop comparing yourself to others? How I did it and how you can too!

11. Focus on the positive in people

Being hurt in the past and past emotional trauma may affect your present behaviour too. It can leave us with a bitter taste, a trust deficit, and a pessimistic mindset. The root cause is often an erroneous belief that things will be the same in future and that people are like this only.

The solution is to make a list of people who have been good, kind and compassionate with you either directly or indirectly. Try to look for the positives in the people around you and give yourself reasons to trust them. Such a practice will wire you to look for people in a positive light and break your thinking pattern and your preconceived notions.

These are the exact steps that helped me let go of my preconceived notions and beliefs that kept me aloof, anxious, and depressed. I was stuck in an indefinite loop of shame, self-pity, and perceived misfortune. But I rediscovered myself, reclaimed my life, and recreated my life story. And I believe that you can too!

To conclude, I would say that the best thing you can do for yourself is to leave your past behind and focus on your present moment and your own happiness. If you choose to be optimistic, you will secure a happier, fulfilling and peaceful life.

You may like to read the famous story of Veronika.

A young, beautiful & successful woman, disappointed with her past, decides to die. Despite her attempt to commit suicide, she wakes up in a mental asylum only to realize that she only has a few days to live. As the idea of an impending death consumes her, she goes on a road to self-discovery, makes friends and falls in love. And here is the new Veronika who re-acquires her will to live again and recreates her life. 

Read Here: Feeling Stuck in Life? Learn to Live again as “Veronika decides to die

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