Do you currently feel angry and resentful in your relationship or towards someone from your past? Do you feel that you have not been treated justly? While holding some resentment is natural, if this feeling is left unattended, it can become toxic and affect your wellbeing. So how to let go of resentment?
At some point, we all get angry and hurt, as we feel cheated, wronged and mistreated. Feeling some resentment is okay and is not necessarily a bad thing. But holding on to a grudge and not letting go of resentment is the real problem. I know it feels right and justified to feel resentful, but who are you really angry with and why? And what is the value of resentment you are withholding? Clinging to resentment and withholding grudges is our natural response to being wronged or mishandled, but it can be counterproductive.
Yes, holding on to resentment hurts you more than the other person. Holding on to resentment is like consuming the poison yourself and expecting the other person to have side effects. While you harbour resentment and glorify your anger, the other person is living their life free as a bird, guilt-free! Therefore, to set yourself free, you should learn: how to let go of resentment and move on in your life.
But letting go of resentment is easier said than done. Once you are in this loop, getting out can be tricky. It is like drinking with friends, where you narrate your story of being wronged, and it feels comforting at first. Eventually, no one wants to hear about the same sobbing story anymore. And the problem is that you remain in the same mental zone, stuck and hurt. You may pretend that you do not care about what happened in your past anymore. But in reality, you do care about it. And it is what resentment is. So before we learn how to let go of resentment, let us define it first.
What is resentment?
Resentment is a mental resistance or a non-acceptance of something that has already occurred in the past. Resentment is a feeling of anger that originates when you receive unfair treatment. Those who experience resentment hold a grudge for the person or situation that caused them harm. It may lead to a desire for vengeance. Resentment may encompass several other emotions such as bitterness, shame, jealousy and sorrow. A person can become resentful when they feel that they have been treated unfairly or disrespected and demeaned. As a result, the person retains some negative feelings about that specific incident and may hold a grudge.
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Why you might feel resentment?
There are three common scenarios that might make you resentful:
1. There is an imbalance in your relationship
If you are the only one invested in a relationship and find yourself always compromising and sacrificing, and the other person never reciprocates, resentment can seep in. You may not become resentful at the beginning of your relationship or friendship, but as you feel constantly being ignored, not reciprocated, this feeling can easily set in. So when your needs and wants are unacknowledged, unmet and ignored by the other person, it leads to disappointment.
2. The other person always shows you down
If you have a friend or a partner who always belittles you, demeans you and tears you down, it can cause deep wounds and hurt. If someone regularly shows you down and then dismisses the same by saying something like ‘why are you being so touchy or sensitive,’ it may spark resentment. In fact, the other person is being insensitive. They are causing you pain by shaming you and failing to see your positives. But it can cause you to become resentful.
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3. You are a victim of system bias
There could be situations when you feel you are unseen or bypassed by society at large. It is no wonder that society has mistreated people of a certain colour, caste, religion, region, or sexuality. And you can become resentful towards system bias as you feel this is not what you deserve.
Now you know why you feel resentful, let us see why it is important to let go of resentment.
Why it is important let go of resentment?
As they say ‘if you are free of resentment, you will surely find peace and happiness.’ We all know that our lives are short. You can choose to live your life feeling angry or resentful or feeling fulfilled and happy. The choice is yours.
Whatever harm has been done and caused to you by the other person, you cannot change it. You cannot change the behaviour of the other person who caused you the hurt. Holding onto resentment will not change the other person. And you cannot force them to make up for the hurt they have caused you. Only you will have to drop the grudge you are holding.
And this is exactly what I have done. I have consciously chosen my happiness over anything else by letting go of resentment and the past. I learnt how to forgive and move on to live a life free of guilt, anger and shame. I have reclaimed my happiness by overcoming resentment and dropping the grudge. Resentment has no value, and if you learn how to let go of resentment, it will set you free and open new doors for you.
Holding onto resentment and grudge is equivalent to fighting a past event in an attempt to win. But is this possible? You cannot change the past. That’s impossible. But you can let go of the past and move on. And once you decide to let go of the grudge, you start moving towards freedom.
5 Tips on How to let go of resentment!
Let us now find out how to let go of resentment:
1. Take a third-person perspective
It becomes really difficult to have the right perspective on how to let go of resentment when you are too deep into it. So, taking a third-party perspective brings a lot of clarity to your thought process. It means that you become a mediating party between yourself and your resentment. You can ask yourself: what is really bothering you, and why is the event in your past is making you resent? What is the value of resentment that you are holding? How is your resentment helping you in your present? Are you looking to seek vengeance to drop your grudge? As you pose these questions to yourself, you move towards more clarity. You will realise that resentment is not adding value to your life, and holding that grudge is not worth it.
Also, when you see yourself from another person’s perspective, you can empathize with yourself. When you do so, you will work towards pulling yourself out of the resentment trap. You may forgive the other person, accept your past and move on in an attempt to find happiness for yourself.
2. Think good of the person whom you resent
You might probably be thinking: ‘Am I serious.’ But hold on. Negativity can be countered with positivity. And what is the opposite of hate or anger? It is love. By praying the best for everyone, whether good or bad, you are slowly letting positivity seep into your life and negativity evaporate from your life.
Another way to be able to send them love is to empathize with them. Once you empathize with them, you will be better able to understand the conditions that caused them to behave in the way they behaved. You may discover that they are the victims of their past traumas that triggered the act that made you resentful. You can pity their situation and their upbringing. It may help you forgive them.
So, do not shy away from sending love to everyone you resent and be a bigger, positive and giving person. It will pay off!
3. Talk it out with the person you resent
I would recommend you to have an open and honest conversation with the person who hurt you. It is one of the best ways of dealing with the dissonance of how to let go of resentment. When you establish a clear dialogue, acknowledge your and their mistake, understand the prevailing conditions at that time and give voice to your feelings, you may clear misunderstandings. Misconceptions from your past may be the cause of your resentment.
When you actively listen to them by giving them enough room to explain themselves, it can help you figure out how to let go of resentment. And it will help you find your closure.
4. Forgive and be the bigger person
Sometimes it is good to forgive the other person even if you do not reconcile with them. You can choose to forgive and forget or forgive and not forget, whatever works for you. It is because when you forgive the other person, it does not mean you are forgetting their misdeeds, but you are letting them go.
The act of forgiveness is a very personal one, and you forgive the other person in a quest to find your own happiness. The paradox is as you try to forgive the other person and be good to them, you experience emotional healing. And therefore, forgiveness is the biggest act of letting go of resentment.
5. Practice gratitude and be grateful
When people ask me how to let go of resentment, I tell them that the best way is to be grateful and practice gratitude. It is because a heart full of gratitude has no room for resentment or regrets. It is difficult to resent and hold a grudge when you focus on what you have with an abundance mindset. Also, when you are grateful to people around you and practise gratitude, it places you in the right set of mind to let go of the resentment.
So these are a few ways to learn how to go of resentment. With time I also realised that resentment is not anger towards someone. It is the rage with oneself, displaced on someone else when seen from victimhood mentality.
How to let go of resentment towards partner?
Resentment in marriage or resentment towards your partner is common. And in most cases, the resentment towards your partner is due to negative feelings you accumulate in your marriage from unfulfilled needs and desires, unresolved conflicts, mismatch of expectations and inappropriate behaviour of your partner. And if you do not attend to resentment towards your partner, it can make things worse and affect your intimacy with your partner on all levels. Resentment can be common in marriages, but you have a choice to walk through it. So how to let go of resentment toward your partner or how to let go of resentment in marriage?
Here are a few tips to let go of resentment in marriage and let go of resentment towards your partner:
- Express your resentment to your partner or spouse. Tell them that you are feeling angry and hurt. Resentment per se is not a problem, but not talking about it with your partner can be really damaging. So when you confide in your partner and establish open communication regarding what has been causing your resentment and how you both can work towards it can really turn the table.
- Make efforts to overcome your resentment for the sake of your marriage. It always pays to be a bigger person in life. So, learn to forgive and give your partner a second chance. Resentment will break your marriage, and you do not want to do that. So, forgive and give your partner a second chance.
- Think good of your partner and the thing they have done for you. It will give you more reasons to love your partner than resent them. Positivity, compassion and love have the power to change anything. And it would change the things you have been resenting too. However, make sure that you speak about your resentment, the things that did upset you, and your partner’s contribution to your resentment head-on.
When you talk out to your partner, tell them how they have caused damage to the relationship and how it all has resulted in resentment and grudge, your partner will respond with compassion. Express yourself but do not blame. Sometimes, things happen, and people do not realise. So the answer lies in making your partner realise and giving them a chance to compensate for the same.
How to let go of resentment towards mother?
Many times people resent their parents including their moms. And there could be many reasons for the same: abusive dads or abusive moms could be the top reasons for hating your dad or mom respectively. You may resent your mom because of childhood neglect, abandonment, or interference in your life to make choices to make your own life. Whatever the reasons are, your mom had her own story that you never heard of or made attempts to find out.
Here are a few tips on how to let go of resentment towards your mother:
- Understand your mother’s side of the story as she would have had her own struggles to deal with, and you went ignored. When you look at life with her lens, you will be able to see more clearly, relate to her life, see through her struggles and challenges. And it will answer all your questions and make a way to let go of the resentment you are withholding for so long.
- Speak to your mother, share your concerns and resentment towards her and lend a patient ear to her. She will respond positively to it and apologise for what you went through. If you are not comfortable sharing face to face, you can write her letters. Tell her that you feel that she is not making efforts to understand you, then tell her what to do and that she needs to apologise or promise not to repeat it. It is totally acceptable to give her specific requests so that she responds positively. And it should be your gateway to nirvana.
- Forgive her, whatever it is. It is for your own peace foremost and not for your mom. Your mom has done enough already for you, so she deserves all your forgiveness. She is not perfect. And you are not too! When you become grateful for what she did for you to build the life you are leading and forgive her, it will free you of all the unhealthy and negative emotions.
As you embark on this journey of letting go of the resentment, always remember that no one is made perfect. It is worth spending time making things right than wasting time resenting things and obsessing over how you were wronged. Healing takes time, you and your mother will reach there!
Always remember that resentment just hurts you. It is a self-imposed prison of filth and negative feeling. You have flaws, your mother and father had too. You can not change what all happened between you guys. All you can change is what you let enter your life. So you have your answers!
How to let go of resentment at work?
Resentment at work can stem from various factors such as politics at the workplace, perceived favouritism, lack of acknowledgement, feeling of being under-compensated, jealousy and comparisons. And it is okay to hold onto resentment at the workplace for some time. But you should know when to overcome it, lest it becomes toxic. Job resentment is one of the major reasons for burnout and stress at the workplace. So how to let go of resentment at work? Let us see what we can do about it:
- Change your perspective. You have to learn to believe that life is unfair. Some people get more and some less, but everyone is compensated appropriately in the end. So it is better to wait for your turn. Stop obsessing over these things, focus on your work, development, and career progression. And things will fall in place.
- Do not wait for apologies from your manager or coworkers, and understand your resentment doesn’t matter to anyone else. In fact, it is affecting your own well-being. If there is an opportunity to express your feelings, express them professionally.
- Recognize the problem child and try to stay away from them. Focus on your work, your own life, and rest will follow. And if the need arises do not shy away from ventilating your grievances in a professional manner.
Resentment at the workplace is normal, and you can do nothing about it. But you can decide to let it go for your own mental peace. Forgiveness, gratefulness, and communication will help you tide past the resentment you are clinging onto.
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