Coming-out confession can be a tough event for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. But it can equally be tough for you, especially when the other person is your friend or co-worker. And nothing can be more challenging than being the epicentre of the coming-out confession. As per a survey by Gallup, 1 in 6 Gen Z adults is LGBT. Hence by that logic, we all have a rainbow sheep hiding in our friend circle. For some of you, it may not be surprising as you already have gay friends who came out to you, and you were able to handle them pretty well. But for many of you, it can be a surprising and awkward moment as it can be tricky to handle such a situation in real life. I know of a friend who was so stressed out when a friend came out to her as gay that she broke in front of me. Another friend of mine often wondered, ‘I think my friend is gay. What do I do now?’ So what to do when your friend is gay? Let’s get into it.
I had one of my close friends, who I always suspected was gay. I was sure that he would come out to me soon. But I was not sure about how would I react to it, handle the situation, or respond. However, one thing I was dead sure of was that I would always support him and make it a safe haven for him to come out to me without any judgements. And it is exactly what happened. Not only did my best friend come out to me as gay, but my co-worker also came out to me as queer in a matter of one month. So, what did I do?
When my friends came out to me back to back, it was not easy. I was mentally prepared to handle my best friend, as I already had an idea about him. But when my co-worker’s friend came out to me as queer, I was confused about what to say and what not to say! It freaked me out in the beginning for a few minutes and made me feel a little awkward, but then I composed myself. I referred back to my value system, where we don’t judge people but accept them with all their flaws. And being a member of the LGBTQ+ is no flaw or abnormality. It is only natural to be so and is part of our being. So, I assured them of my love and confidentiality. I offered them all the support and care they needed. In fact, that was one of the best things I ever did as I have gained a few people in life who are my social support system too.
So when your friend comes out to you as queer or gay, let them know that you always cared about them, even though it might be tough for you to understand it all straight on the first go. I know sometimes it is not so easy. Even heterosexuals feel awkward when their best friend or co-worker comes out to them. And it is pretty normal to feel so. However, it should not affect your relationship with them, as it is perfectly normal to be a member of the LGBTQ+ community. Their sexuality should never define who they are and dictate your relationship with them. So, ask yourself what is more important to you: is it your relationship with them or their sexual orientation? You will get your answers.
I think my friend is gay. What do I do now?
So is your friend gay or a member of the LGBTQ+ community? Your best buddy or your favourite co-worker opened themselves up to you about their innermost feelings, and you are troubled to know what to do now. Here are a few tips to successfully navigate and tide past such challenging situations without affecting your relationship with them.
The do’s to keep in mind when your friend comes out to you as gay, lesbian, bi, or trans.
1. Let them do the talking
When your friend comes out to you, let them take as much time as they want to do the talking.
Do not fill in the blanks and say something like I always suspected, or just get done with the conversation quickly. In short, you should ask less and listen more.
Also, do not let your awkwardness come to your face by exercising patience and being composed while ensuring you are not making a big deal out of it, whether in the office or your personal life. Handle it the same way you would your straight friends when they share with you their relationship status or news of getting married.
2. Thank them for confiding in you
Most queer people stay in the closet and fear coming out to the world as they fear rejection and ridicule. They fear losing not only respect but also friends and family. So, if your friend comes out to you, they are clear that they trust you and believe in you. It is the moment they would have been working on for months and chose you to share their darkest and topmost secret. So, recognize their efforts and thank them for confiding in you. It will do wonders for them.
3. Do not ask awkward questions
It is only natural to get curious about how gay or same-sex relationships work, why they are like this, and why they do not feel any attraction toward the member of the opposite sex. But it is not the right time to unleash your curiosity, and these are not the things you should be asking your friend. Not at least when they come out to you!
Curiosity is not bad, but insensitivity is. If your curiosity is killing you, ask google rather than asking your friend. It is good to keep your curiosity in check, draw boundaries and act responsibly. Instead, you can ask mature questions such as how challenging their journey was and how it led to self-discovery.
Touching on sensitive topics like asking them about their sex life, or who is the man or woman in the relationship and how they do it is none of your business and a strict no. It will piss them off and make them regret coming out to you.
4. Treat them the way you always treated them
Ask yourself if their sexuality defines who they are to you, or is it their personality and warmth you always cherished? Their sexuality is their domain, and it should not be a factor to be considered while evaluating your relationship with them.
Stop stereotyping your gay friends. Not all gay men are feminine, and not all lesbians are boyish. These are your preconceived notions, and it is not what reality is.
Also, coming out of the closet can be a strong indication that your friend is being true to themselves, and therefore, you should encourage them rather than judge them.
So treat them the way you always treated them regardless of their sexuality or orientation. The only thing that should change is the respect you give to them. And you should now respect them more as they have seen more struggles in life than you can ever imagine.
Some don’ts when your friend comes out to you as gay
1. Do not make it about you
You have to understand that it is not about you. But it is about them. Never make it about you by saying: why did you hide your real self from me, or I am upset because you never trusted me or confided in me or say something like I need time to process this as I don’t know who you are anymore. It is overreacting, and it is certainly uncalled for. So keep your immaturity to yourself only.
I agree that you need time to process your feelings when your friend confesses they are gay. But you have all the time to process the same without saying it on their face. The best reaction is that of indifference, so exercise that.
2. Do not gossip and make it a news
It is a life event for your friend, and if you make gossip out of it, you are not a true friend. If your friend wanted to broadcast, they would have done the same on social media or hosted a pride parade themselves. But they chose you for a reason: for trust, respect and confidentiality. And if you break that, you are not a good human.
3. Do not say you always knew or suspected their true sexuality
When you say you always knew about their sexuality, you disrespect your friend’s coming out confession. You may say so to prove your intelligence or show that you are okay with it. But it can force the other person to obsess over how you already know about their sexuality, such as did they do something gayish or is it by the way they look at other men, or somehow you discovered their chat history? It can freak them out, and you do not want to do that.
To conclude, I would say that when your friend or co-worker comes out to you, do not make it about you. I know it is equally tough for you, but it is tougher for them. They are more vulnerable right now and need your support. So give them exactly what they need and park all your questions towards a later period of time. Also, it is okay to tell your friend that you may take time to process this, but you will do your best to support them and that nothing will change between you guys.
My friend is gay. What else can I do?
As the first step after your friend comes out to you as gay or a member of the LGBTQ+ community, you can try learning more about LGBTQ+ issues and sensitize yourself to their cause. You can find many LGBTQ blogs and resources that might help you become more aware of the LGBTQIA community, their struggles and life issues. And it might help you better support them, understand them, and become an ally.
Still confused about ‘My friend is gay, what do I do now?’ Read the following article and know more about it.
Further Reading: What To Say and What Not To Say When Someone Comes Out To You as Gay?
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