It is not love when you fall for a perfect person. Real love is when you fall for an imperfect person and then love them perfectly for life!
TL;DR
Relationships are precious. But most of us give up on a relationship too soon. And the real reason is that we are non-cognizant of the stage of the relationship we are in. There are four stages in a relationship that we must be aware of. When we recognize these relationship stages and act accordingly, we increase our chances of surviving all the odds and ultimately end up saving our relationship for life. So what are these stages in a relationship?
Every couple goes through these four stages in a relationship:
- The attraction and romance stage: This is the best phase to be in; a fantasy world full of excitement, adventure, attraction and obsession. Everyone craves this honeymoon phase! It is a phase where you experience extreme emotions toward the person you are in a relationship with- love, possessiveness, jealousy, and desire.
- The reality stage: Beware of this stage. A majority of relationships end at this stage. You start to settle down with your partner in this stage yet you feel unsettled! The reason is that reality sets in and you start noticing the flaws in your partner that you consciously overlooked in the first stage. All the balloons around you start to burst and you start to wonder “if she is the same person, I was in love with. Now I barely know her!” But it is only natural to feel so, as the forces of intelligence and practicality become dominant forces in this stage as opposed to attraction and romance. Everyone goes through this stage, but only a few survive this stage.
- The acceptance stage: So how do people progress to this stage? The answer is acceptance of reality and a willingness to stay. In this stage, you accept reality and accept that it is the way life is. You now understand that there is no perfect world or perfect partner, and all the assumptions you made were not correct. So, you decide to hold on! You start to make adjustments, sacrifices and compromises in your relationship in good spirit. And so does your partner. You both thrive to revive this relationship by ironing out all the differences and working towards a common life goal.
- The maturity stage: Only a few couples make it so far. And if you have, you have come a long way. Congratulations, you and your partner have a history together. Your relationship has evolved, and so have you both. You are invested equally in each other as you are in your own independent lives. Your relationship enjoys more trust, independence and confidence than ever before. There will be times when you will miss the thrill and adventure of romance and attraction from stage one, but the stability, security and commitment that this stage comes with will keep you going. The maturity stage can sometimes be boring but is the most stable of all the stages in a relationship.
So how long do you stay in one stage before moving on to the other? It actually depends on the partners in the relationship. Each of the stages mentioned above demands a different approach toward your relationship, a different mindset and expectations from your partner.
I have listed down the key highlights of each stage and the probable strategies to navigate the challenges posed by each stage.
On that note, let us dig deeper into the different stages in a relationship and unfold some effective strategies that can be deployed to navigate past each of them.
Which stage of relationships are you in video
Main Article
Let me ask you some questions, to begin with. Have you ever looked at the person you are with and been like, “what am I doing with this person, he is not the same person I fell in love with?” Have you ever gotten tired of a relationship and wanted to exit the same? I bet you have!
It is quite natural to go through such feelings because now you think your partner is not the same person you loved before. So is there something wrong with your partner? Probably no! The problem is the phase of the relationship you are in. And you are struggling with what you don’t know. There are four stages in a relationship that everyone goes through, and each stage requires a different level of maturity, approach and expectations for both partners. And most people give up on a relationship because they refuse to outgrow their previous mindset, expectations and approaches to the relationship.
The trajectory of a relationship is not always linear. It can be full of ups and downs based on the stage of the relationship you are in. It can start from excitement mode and pass its way through romance, conflicts and irrational stages. And if you survive all these stages, you enter the stability mode characterised by long-term commitment and trust. Every relationship goes through these four stages in a relationship regardless of whether you are a straight or gay couple and married or unmarried.
Let us now discuss the four stages in a relationship in detail, and learn how you can successfully tide past each of them and emerge as a victor.
The 4 stages in a relationship
Every relationship goes through various stages in a relationship, and there may be a number of sub-stages as well but if we take a bird’s eye view, all of them go through the major four stages. And, how much time you spend in each stage depends on the couple. If there is maturity and willingness to stay together, partners can easily navigate all these stages. But if the partners are emotionally immature and incompatible they will never be able to advance to the later stages. So what are these four stages in a relationship? Let’s talk about them.
Stage 1: The attraction and romance stage
This is the most beautiful stage of all and you can feel those butterflies in your stomach. All couples experience this stage when they start to date. Here you experience extreme feelings of excitement, adventure, attraction and obsession. In this stage, you start to live in a fantasy world you create around the person you are dating. Hedonism and euphoria become your best friends as endorphins rush through your veins, and life seems more beautiful than ever.
Soon this attraction turns into romance. Romance then turns into love marking the beginning of your honeymoon period. It is a phase where you experience extreme emotions toward the person you are in a relationship with- love, possessiveness, jealousy, and desire.
The key highlights of this stage are:
- You tend to see only the good in your partner. You focus on the similarities and ignore the differences and their flaws. The biological forces overplay to make you see only the good, and it’s only natural to feel so.
- You spend your maximum time with your lover either in person or on calls. You can’t imagine being apart from your partner for long.
- You both tend to avoid conflict in this stage and try to please each other with your best versions.
- This stage draws your attention to the good feelings towards your partner and masks the bad ones.
This stage is full of exuberance and testifies that “love is blind.” In this stage, you get to experience the feelings of love, comfort and security for the first time. You are not afraid of venturing out of your comfort zone, taking risks and turning against the world for that one person.
It won’t be wrong to call this stage the assumption stage, as you live your life making assumptions that may prove to be wrong in the later stages. These assumptions can even cost you your relationship.
How to navigate past this stage?
Feel the love with open arms, be overwhelmed and enjoy the attraction. But at the same time, be cognizant of the differences, the finer nuances and the assumptions you make. Life is not going to be the same even with the same person. So be aware of that!
While it is natural to avoid conflict and put your best version forward, it is also advisable to express your true feelings, identify your deal-breakers well in advance and think beyond just romance and attraction. It is reasonable to be conscious of your partner’s good and bad. This way, although you are focusing on the similarities and positives in your relationships, you are preparing yourself for any differences or negatives that may pop up in the future.
Also, you should be able to define your goal at this stage. Your goal can be to experience true love, feel secure and ultimately settle down with this person. But once you accomplish this goal, you need to progress to the next goal of the next stage. You can’t just be in the second life stage of your relationship trying to achieve the same goal, over and again. So, move on gracefully to the next stage, and set the right goal for that stage.
Stage 2: The reality stage
Beware of this stage. A majority of relationships end at this stage. As the dust from the first phase settles down, you start to see more clearly and experience real life as a couple. In this stage, you both resume your normal lives, but out of a sudden, you feel unsettled. The reason is that reality sets in and you start noticing the flaws in your partner that you consciously overlooked in the first stage. All the balloons around you start to burst and you start to wonder “if he is the same person, I was in love with. Now I barely know him!” But it is only natural to feel so, as the forces of intelligence and practicality become dominant forces in this stage as opposed to attraction and romance. The love starts to take a backseat, and practicality overpowers everything else. As a result, you feel like engaging more in intellectual discourse than sexual intercourse.
Everyone goes through this stage but only a few survive this stage. Many partners may even conclude they are incompatible and have no future together. And this is the trickiest stage of all, and you need to beware of this phase. It is the stage where most relationships end because one of the partners eventually decides to move on.
The key highlights of this stage are:
- You start to notice flaws in your partner that you clearly don’t like. It doesn’t mean you are not in love with your partner, but your partner appears to be different from what he or she was in the first stage.
- The endorphins running through your veins slow down as your body can’t keep them running at the highest level forever. So biological factors wean off, and rationality takes predominance.
- You start to question the assumptions and choices you made. You may feel disappointment and resentment. You may even conclude that you are not compatible with your partner.
This stage is the most challenging of all and requires deep conviction, faith and determination from partners. This stage may also require you to make some compromises and sacrifices to keep this relationship going.
Some of the challenges that you may face in this stage are insecurities, complexes, power struggles, identity crises, and incompatibility. Also, you can’t rule out interferences from family and friends. All these challenges require you to take different approaches to manage your relationship. But mutual respect, conviction and commitment all together surpass them all and take your relationship to the next level.
How to navigate past this stage?
This stage is the most crucial of all the stages, and if you tide past this one, all the other stages in a relationship will be comparatively easier to walk through. But to navigate past this stage you need to exhibit a lot of patience, maturity and conviction.
It is quite tempting to believe that your partner has a lot of flaws, and now their true colours are evident to you. But you were the one who was consciously avoiding conflicts and busy finding the similarities while ignoring your partner’s flaws. Isn’t it? So why blame them now?
The chances are that your partner also feels the same for you and even despises you. What did you do to break that? So the first thing to do is work on yourself rather than judging and blaming your partner.
If you both are keen to tide past this stage successfully, you both should come together and embrace each other’s lifestyle choices, the difference of opinions and unexpected behavioural patterns. You need to understand that no one is perfect, and no one is always consistent. As you settle down with your partner, new things unfold, old things settle down, and new challenges crop up. As a result, conflicts start to arise in your relationship. But this is the way life is- dynamic and challenging!
The conflicts in any relationship during this stage are mainly because of the expectations mismatch. While you still expect your partner to be as romantic as they were when you first met, they may be operating on a different plane. For example, at this stage, your partner may expect you to be intellectually compatible, mature and have responsibilities. Also, at this stage, your partner might expect you to share a common life purpose with them rather than you obsessing over romance and intimacy.
Another thing to revisit at this stage is your goals. In this stage, your goal should be to envision a life together with the person you love the most regardless of any difference of opinion or conflicting lifestyle choices. You should learn to accept your partner as it is with their positives and negatives and share a common life purpose rather than expecting your partner to woo you over and again.
Stage 3: The acceptance stage
As you progress further in your relationship, the acceptance stage seeps in. In this stage, you accept reality and life. You now understand that there is no perfect world or perfect partner and all the assumptions you made were not correct. So, you decide to hold on! You start to make adjustments, sacrifices and compromises in your relationship in good spirit. And so does your partner. You both thrive to revive this relationship by ironing out all the differences and working towards a common life goal.
The key highlights of this stage are:
- You want to sort out things with your partner, but acceptance comes only with time.
- You accept reality but are disappointed with the way relationships progress in life.
- You start to make little adjustments to accommodate your partner and their behaviour in order to find a place of stability.
- You turn your conflicts into constructive conflicts to make things work again in the longer interest of your relationship.
- You finally are ready to let go of the resentment and anger you are withholding.
How to navigate past this stage?
To navigate this stage, you should first accept your partner with all their flaws and inadequacies and then work with them to overcome their struggles. While doing so, you have to make sure that you establish healthy communication and set a tone that assures them of your support and companionship for life.
Your primary goal in the acceptance stage should revolve around working with your partner to help them overcome the challenges and struggles they are facing. Once you invest in yourself in your partner, they start to reciprocate. One positive step leads to another and becomes progress. Soon you realise that you have come a long way with your partner and enter the stage of maturity and companionship.
Establishing healthy communication, making adjustments, and conflict resolution should be your three key goals at this stage.
Stage 4: The maturity stage
It is a stage of mature love and only a few couples make it so far. And if you have, you are a team and have come a long way. Congratulations, you and your partner have a history together. Your relationship has evolved, and so have you both. You are invested equally in each other as you are in your own independent lives. Your relationship enjoys more trust, independence and confidence than ever before. It is a stage of companionship where you and your partner feel more stable than ever before and commit to each other for life.
The flip side is that even though it is one of the best stages in a relationship to be in, there can be an instance when you will miss the thrill and adventure of romance and attraction from stage one, but the stability, security and commitment that this stage comes with will keep you going. The maturity stage can sometimes be boring but is the most rewarding one.
The key highlights of this stage are:
- You may sometimes feel bored of your relationship as the chase and madness in your relationship is indefinitely over. You may sometimes miss the feelings of romance and attraction that comes in stage one. But at the same time, you wonder if those feelings can be found in someone else.
- You may feel you have outgrown the age and skill to venture out and explore the feelings you experienced in stage one.
- You stop missing the romance stage as it would mean being with someone new, and you do not have the energy to do that anymore.
- Negative feeling like resentment and jealousy takes a back seat at this stage as you give up all the unrealistic expectations.
- You are accommodative of your partner’s flaws and even overlook them by keeping your ego aside.
- You start to see strength in your relationship and the differences.
How to navigate past this stage?
To navigate past this stage, all you need is to focus on winning as a team and looking beyond petty things in a relationship. You should stop comparing yourself and your partner to others. You should be able to see the differences in your relationship as your strengths rather than obsessing over them.
If you want to progress ahead in this stage and forge a deeper bond, you need to fight your life battle together with your partner by your side and not let them play on the opponent’s side. But this is not it. You and your partner should equally be invested in your personal growth the way you both are in your relationship. Once you do that, you both discover eternal peace and happiness. It is a stage of bliss and stability. And every couple should aspire to reach this stage of a relationship! And that’s should be your ultimate goal for this ultimate stage.
If you are someone who has reached the fourth stage in a relationship, I wish you my heartiest congratulations. You are brave and considerate. And you have successfully navigated all the hurdles in life.
So what other stages in a relationship have you been in? If you think there are more stages in a relationship and if you find this post ‘four stages in a relationship,’ meaningful, please share this with your family and friends. Also, if you have some relevant tips to share with the reader, please mention the same in the comments section below. We would love to hear your thoughts.
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