Gay Sexless Relationships: Gay Bed Death & Gay Sexless Relationship Advice!

We have been together for the last three years, and our lives seem perfect, except for this one thing-gay bed death! Yes, you heard it right. At first, our bedroom life was phenomenal, regular and steaming hot. However, with time the frequency decreased, and now it is almost non-existent. The first thing to go was kissing. And the last time I went to kiss my boyfriend, he said: hey, we do not have to make out every night. And then things like I am tired, my lips hurt, I need to get up early became easy weapons to evade the intimacy. And now I think I am in a gay sexless relationship. It is what Rohan had to say when I checked with him the last time. Yes, gay sexless relationships are a real thing. And gay bed death happens more often than you think. So what to do about it and how to navigate gay sexless relationships? Let’s talk about it!

Relationships are an amalgamation of many things, and physical intimacy is an integral part of them that you can’t lose. Emotional and physical intimacy go hand in hand, and a lack of physical intimacy can disrupt the emotional bond and make your gay relationship too fragile to hold. Yea, gay bed deaths can cause relationships to die. So it is important to navigate the issues of sexlessness in gay relationships before they become too toxic and lead to separation. 

What is gay bed death?

Gay bed death is a term that is used to denote gay sexless relationships or gay sexless marriages. Gay bed death happens when two gay people or two gay men in a committed relationship no longer consummate as often as both or either one of them would like to. Gay bed death is a real phenomenon and happens quite often than we think. 

Are you in a gay sexless relationship, or it is just a phase?

It is surprising that two gay men are in a relationship but are not physically intimate. But it is like a thing, and many gay men admit to having seen such a relationship or have experienced it themselves. In gay sexless relationships, the partners have not touched each other for years. Technically speaking, when partners have not consummated or got physically intimate for more than a year or longer, and one of the partners is not ready to work on it, it can only be called a gay sexless relationship. But sometimes, there are gay relationships where people do not consummate for a short period of time due to stress, work pressure, travel, and conflict in relationships. Under such circumstances, it can’t be termed a gay sexless relationship. So, before you call it a gay bed death, you have to determine if it is just a phase or more of a permanent thing. 

Signs of gay sexless relationships or gay sexless marriages?

Before we talk about how to deal with gay sexless relationships, let us first understand a few signs of gay sexless relationships or marriages:

1. You and your partner are living more like roommates than real-life romantic partners. It means you and your man are just coexisting together, and there is absolutely no physical intimacy or connection. And it would not be wrong to name your relationship as a platonic gay relationship.
2. You and your partner do not sleep together in the same room, and it has been more than a year since you both touched each other.
3. You and your partner are not comfortable being alone to spend some time together and do not even flirt anymore. And on top of that, you evade each other’s company to avoid any discussion related to sexlessness in your relationship.
4. You and your partner do not talk about your sexual life anymore, and there is no zeal left from either of you to even revive it. 
5. You and your partner communicate only about daily operational matters as intimate talks make you guys uncomfortable. 
6. You neither have the energy or time to revive your sexual intimacy with your partner. 
7. The last time you and your partner got physically intimate with each other was too long back, and you can easily count the number of instances on the tips of your finger.

Apart from these signs, if you feel unfulfilled and undesired all the time and you think of getting intimate with other men, it is a strong sign that there is something off in your relationship. And that thing is nothing else but gay bed death. So, if you relate to most of these signs, you are most probably in a gay sexless relationship. 

Reasons for gay sexless relationships?

Okay, so by now, you know that you are in a gay sexless relationship, but have you ever thought of what could be the reasons? Did you ever think if it is the way your relationship always was or sexual frequency has dropped considerably with time? I know of many gay couples where one of the partners was more on an asexual side, and the other one had a high drive for eroticism. While some of them successfully navigated it, for some, it led to sexlessness. If it is true in your case, then the reason for sexlessness in your relationship could be that your partner is asexual and that sexual intimacy can be too draining for him emotionally and physically. You need to figure it out and take a call. 

Other reasons could be lifestyle factors such as stress, work pressure, trauma or grief that have caused a considerable drop in your partner’s libido. You cannot rule these factors out. Many gay men are in a relationship with men older than them, and in that case, age could be one of the factors for the loss of physical drive. For example, ageing and stress can cause andropause, erectile dysfunction, infertility or loss of libido in men, which can mellow down their physical drives and become a reason for sexlessness. Also, when one of the partners is younger, and the other one is elder, sexual frequencies may not always match. This difference in sexual drives can lead to expectations mismatch and if not checked on time, can cause sexlessness to easily seep in. You can’t rule out performance anxiety or the fear of not being able to satisfy your gay partner to be a good enough reason to avoid these acts. Other reasons for gay bed deaths or gay sexless marriages could be alcoholism or substance abuse. Medical conditions such as being HIV positive can also be the reason for sexlessness in your relationship. When one of the partners discovers that he is HIV positive, it can change the entire dynamics of your relationship. Your partner may avoid getting intimate because of fear of transmitting HIV. 

I know many gay men who have been in sexually or mentally abusive relationships, where getting physically intimate was involuntary and even painful. Some men even mentioned that they were made to bottom against their wishes, and it used to be a painful experience. While others told me there were instances they were made to top when they did not want to, and now they have become averse to the idea of getting intimate itself. As a result, they now associate negative feelings with the act of it and find sexual activities repulsive and disgusting.  

Many times infidelity can also be the cause of sexlessness in relationships. One of the most common reasons for infidelity is boredom. Many gay men get easily bored of their partners, and after a point, their partners do not excite them anymore. As a result, they cheat on their partners or involve other men in their relationship. This infidelity is toxic to any relationship. It can lead to trust issues, cause resentment and grudge and ultimately lead to gay bed deaths. 

Read Also: How to let go of Resentment in a Relationship?

Conflicts in your relationship, lack of support, gaslighting, fight for domination, constant criticism from your partner and unbearable negativity in a relationship can also make your relationship fragile. When your relationship gets bitter, sex is the first thing to go, and resentment is the first thing to come in. And these are one of the most common reasons for sexlessness in gay relationships.

Coming to gay preferences, you cannot rule it out being the cause of gay sexless relationships. One of the unique situations I have seen is that both the partners are in love and want to be together, but both have the same preferences, such as both the partners are top or bottom, causing sexlessness in the longer run. When both the partners are tops, neither of them likes to bottom, as it is painful. When both the partners are bottom, neither of them wants to top, and there is a deadlock. And in end, the result is that they no more want to be physically intimate with each other. Or do you have any fetish that you think doesn’t go well with your partner? Sometimes, extreme fetishes can become painful, repulsive or non-pleasurable and may disgust your partner to the point that he stops indulging in sexual acts with you.  

Another thing to note is that gay men are driven by physical features such as hot bodies, beautiful physiques and perfect shapes. And when one of the partners feels out of shape or is low on self-image, self-esteem and confidence, they may avoid physical intimacy to avoid being embarrassed or protect their egos. And it can well become a reason for long-term sexlessness in relationships.

When two gay men are in a long-term relationship, they can sometimes feel that they have naturally progressed to become more like best friends than romantic partners, and there is no attraction left anymore, or they are no more in love with each other. Naturally, when there is no love, physical intimacy is the first thing to go and become a reason for gay sexless relationships.

So these are a few issues that can cause gay bed deaths. Some of these issues you can address by communicating with your partner. If it is something related to ageing, medical condition or emotional concerns, you can approach your partner with empathy, make them comfortable and reassure them of your support. It is best to approach a gay sexless relationship with an honest intention of making things work and a positive mindset, as many problems can be solved when you and your partner work together to decipher the problem at hand. When two of the partners are not honest about the subject at hand, it is what needs to be addressed. 

Emotional effects of gay sexless relationships?

Relationships are an amalgamation of many things, and intimacy is the core of any relationship you cannot afford to lose. Emotional and physical intimacy are two pillars of any relationship. If either of them is not present, it can cause your relationship to fall. 

Coming back to Rohan, I do not know if it is a gay bed death or just a phase, but one thing is very clear, it is taking away his peace of mind, and he is on the verge of breaking out. Rohan has confronted his partner many times but to no avail. Every time he tried initiating it, he was made to feel guilty and ashamed for obsessing over his desires. He is clearly depressed. Yes, gay sexless relationships can cause depression, serious trust issues, and even alter your thoughts about relationships in general. A sexless relationship can cause deep scars that you may carry as a piece of baggage even after separation. And this feeling can easily seep into your new relationship and ruin it before it even forms. 

Gay sexless relationships can be devastating to both partners, especially the one who is on the receiving end. Sexlessness in gay relationships is a cause of worry and can tear the self-worth of the partners apart. It can lower your self-esteem as it can cause the feeling of ‘I am not good enough‘ or ‘I am not hot enough‘ to easily seep in. It can make you feel undesired, worthless and not attractive enough and rip you off your confidence. 

Sexlessness in gay relationships can also make you feel lonely and isolated. This feeling of isolation and loneliness can be very overpowering and make you take wrong decisions in life. You are more likely to cheat on your partner when you feel lonely, unfulfilled and isolated. And when infidelity creeps in, nothing can save your relationship. 

Sexless relationships can also cause serious misunderstandings in your relationship. Lack of physical intimacy can cause frustration and trust issues that can manifest themselves in the form of misunderstandings. 

Sexlessness in gay relationships can also weaken your emotional bond with your partner as it directly hits the romance. In fact, it weakens your relationship and makes it fragile, as physical intimacy is a focal point in any romantic relationship. Lack of physical intimacy can cause serious mental health issues and eradicate happiness altogether. 

How to deal with a gay sexless relationship? Gay sexless relationship advice

So now you know the probable causes of sexlessness in your relationship, you can take the necessary measures to talk about it and set it right. And is here my gay sexless relationship advice. First of all, you should communicate openly about your needs to your partner and tell him how it is bothering you and taking away your peace of mind. The best way to deal with a gay sexless relationship is to be emotionally intimate with your partner and cement your bond again. Try to make up for lost things, overcome your conflicts and unpleasantness and rebuild your relationship from an emotional angle. Once romance hits back again, physical intimacy is likely to follow. So, if you have any conflicts in your relationships, you should resolve them. You need to work through your differences to be in love again and reignite the spark.  

Another thing you can do is to initiate the act yourself, but with a twist. You can try wearing steamy clothes to make him letch you and lure your man like you used to do when you met him. Jealousy also works sometimes. So if you can make him jealous by any chance, do not leave that opportunity. These things can bring dormant emotions back. You can also try to bring back some creativity in your bedroom life by exploring the fetishes your partner likes, role-playing, and BDSM. It may excite him and set your bedroom life on fire again. 

If the sexlessness in your marriage is due to a medical condition, or factors such as ageing, you can set an open and honest communication with your partner and assure them of your love, concern and care. Once you approach them with patience and empathy, they will open up, and you both can work through it together. If your partner confides in you, it is an opportunity for you to make him comfortable. Most of the problems can be dealt with through open communication. You can convince him to avail the services of medical practitioners and marriage or relationships counsellors specialising in gay issues as they can help you in many ways than you think. 

But if you think the reason for lack of physical intimacy is due to factors of being top or bottom, you have to navigate past this by accepting the fact that all the variables in life will not always be perfect. You might not like certain parts of your partner or yourself, but if you value your relationships, you have to look beyond the notion of top or bottom and work on sustaining your relationship. As per research, a good percentage of gay male couples do not regularly indulge in penetration but make their relationship work by exploring other softer forms of intimacy like humping and orals. 

Therefore, it is important not to let momentary setbacks, dilemmas, conflicts and circumstances make you feel hopeless about your future with a partner you love the most and intend to be with. Many times, when you both compassionately explore together, you find solutions that may work for you as a gay couple. And yet that solution may not work for other gay couples, and every couple has to find unique solutions that fit their relationship dynamics. 

However, even after trying everything, you do not see any change or willingness to change in your partner, or there has been no improvement in your bedroom life, it is a matter of grave concern. Yes, you have cried your lungs out and cribbed to your partner about how sexlessness in your relationship is making you insane and how you need it desperately from only your partner, but nothing worked. You poured your heart out, had endless communications, made futile attempts to reignite the spark, and did all the things to turn him on, but nothing worked. Instead, you felt disrespected, shameful and frustrated after every attempt. And now you feel that you are the desperate one always defined by sexual thoughts and someone who is not good enough to turn your man on. You even visited counsellors for couple therapy but to no avail. So, it is a clear indication that your partner is unwilling to work on fixing the sexlessness in your relationship. You and your issues are of least concern to him. He is clearly not into you or sexual acts altogether anymore. And in either case, you are losing your youth and peace of mind. So, these are clear signs that you need to walk away and plan your exit from the relationship for your own well-being.

If you still choose to live in such a relationship, you are the only one going to suffer in the long run. Eventually, you will end up cheating on your partner. And then, all the blame will shift on you, for being infidel regardless of the situation that lured you to infidelity. Your relationship will anyways fall apart. So what is the point of delaying the inevitable and prolonging your sufferings?

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Check out for a few signs when to walk away from a gay sexless relationship:

• Your partner has denied working through the issues of improving the sexual life with you even after your repeated attempts. 
• Your partner either refuses to seek professional help or is still the same even after seeking counselling and professional help. It shows that your partner is deliberately showing an unwillingness to change. 
• Your relationship with your partner has become too toxic to hold. 
• You are convinced that the reason for your sexless relationship is infidelity and that there is no love or emotional bonding left to look forward to. 
• Your partner is completely insensitive to your needs and does not even talk about them, let alone work on addressing them. 
• There is no love and bonding left anymore. And without love, physical intimacy is unlikely to hold. 

So now you know when to walk away from your sexless relationship and when to hold on. Gay bed deaths are real and can mean the end of a relationship. For many gay couples, a lack of physical intimacy can be a deal-breaker. But for others, it may be the way they chose to live. The real problem arises when one of the partners is unhappy with the sexless relationship as he often feels lonely, unfulfilled, frustrated and undesired. A gay sexless relationship can be a ground for separation in such a case. Yes, physical intimacy can be a deal-breaker and lead to separation sooner or later. 

If you know of gay men who are suffering in gay sexless relationships, please share this post with them. You never know if this post can help them in any way. Also, if you have something to share about gay sexless relationships, feel free to use the comments section below. We would love to hear your thoughts. 

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