Stefan had suffered alone for years, living a life of deception, conflicts and lies. Part of him wanted to stay with his loving wife. Another part wanted him to venture out. Stefan always longed to experience romance and make love with another man. Torn between two fantasies- one with his family and one with another man- he was clueless about where to go! Stefan is a gay man married to a woman and living a dual life. And he often finds himself swaying on the thin line between cheating with another man and honouring the sacred wedding vows. He often wondered which life was the right choice for him.
As time passed, Stefan often succumbed to his desires. He made out with other men he met from grinder or gay clubs. But he never enjoyed it fully. Guilt always followed him. The guilt of cheating on his wife and the shame that followed was killing him. A state of dilemma inadvertently clouded him. One side of him pulled him to other men while the other pulled him to reality. His innermost self wanted something that his wife couldn’t give to him. If he ignored his inner feelings, he ended up feeling frustrated, lonely and unfulfilled. The feeling that he is living a life full of lies and deception always haunted him. In reality, he was not being true to himself or his wife and family. And as a result, he is always was unhappy and depressed.
His challenges didn’t end here. As a gay man married to a woman, Stefan has a wife who was equally suffering in pain and isolation. She always felt that something was off in their marriage and felt unfulfilled. She often longed to feel like a woman in her marriage and wanted things Stefan could never give her. These things added to Stefan’s distress and made him more unhappy. He now wanted to break out and run away from everything. But it is easier said than done. The truth is that it is not easy to break a marriage and find a loyal man in the gay world.
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There are many men like Stefan who want to come out desperately. But they are not sure how to come out and how would it affect their marriages. Like these men, a cloud of never-ending questions stirred around Stefan as well: is he truly, gay or bi? What are those unexplained urges for other men? Is there any label he can give to his sexual orientation? Would he really destroy his marriage in a hope of finding his dream man who will give him what he wants? And what if he finds satisfying sex but nothing else to substitute the love of his wife and family? What if he never finds the man of his life and is forced to live his life alone? These questions made him feel powerless, confused and overwhelmed.
So if you are gay and married to a woman, like Stefan, you might also be going through the same. But the good news is that you are not alone. Yes, your challenges are real, but you can tide past all these challenges if you take the right decisions at the right time. Let us see how!
But before we take up what to do if you are a gay man and married to a woman, let us first understand what is mixed-orientation marriage and if they can work?
What are mixed-orientation marriages?
When a man is gay and married to a woman or woman is lesbian and married to a gay man, it is called mixed-orientation marriage. It is a marriage between two individuals whose sexual orientations differ. In mixed-orientation marriage, the sexual orientations of both the partners in the marriage do not match. And hence there is no convergence in such marriages, but it leads to different conclusions for each couple.
Some mixed-orientation couples accept the difference, compromise and choose to live together and move forward as one unit. They make peace for the sake of family, children or even their love. They are great. But the chances of such marriages lasting long is very meagre. Other couples accept the differences, grieve their losses, and move on. They know that it is better to live and let live and that a better future awaits them.
I have personally witnessed mixed-oriented couples, and most of them stand dissolved. However, there are a few cases where some of them have decided to stick together. They have moved past their sexual desires and romantic highs and lows. So, whatever your choice is, it should thoroughly be thought through and contemplated before taking the decision.
And if you are a gay man and married to a woman, I would recommend that you first carefully take stock of your internal desires, sexual inclination and emotional climate of your marriage. Also, understand the repercussions of coming out to your family or spouse before taking a call.
Here is what to do when you are a gay man and married to a woman
1. Take inventory of your inner feeling and be proud of who you are
The sexual identity of a person is his most personal preference and concern. It is not what you chose as your lifestyle preference, but this is the way you were born. So, it is time to stay true to yourself and accept and embrace yourself completely. Yes, you should be proud of who you are, and your sexuality should not define you. There is nothing wrong with you, and being gay is natural. So turn around the table and stand up for yourself.
2. Understand the circumstances when you got married to a woman
Try to understand the reasons why you got married to a woman. Also, think through what circumstances prevailed at that time. Sometimes gay men do not truly understand who they are, and they end up marrying a woman only to validate that they are gay or bisexual. Sometimes gay men marry women as they are ashamed of coming out and find it hard to express their true identity due to the stigma attached. Sometimes, gay men marry women hoping that it will change them and turn them straight. Sometimes gay men marry women as they want to have kids and lead a peaceful life while understanding that adoption doesn’t come easily in their countries. Sometimes, gay men marry due to parental pressure and associated guilt. I have also seen many gay men marrying women because they didn’t find the right committed male partners and marrying a woman was their best bet. So if you are a gay man and married to a woman, what are your reasons to marry?
Once you understand the reasons for your marriage, you can analyse if that holds true in the present. Also, take stock of your inner emotions and ask yourself: is this the way I want to live my life? Am I happy, or is my wife happy? Am I able to give my wife and family what they want? Am I being true to myself? On the surface, I am a happily married man, but deep down, am I unfulfilled? Do I need a male partner to take a stand for myself and come out to my wife? Or do I want to come out for myself first?
Once you answer these questions, you will definitely be clear about what you want from your life.
If you are a gay man and married to a woman, it is no wonder that you are living a double life! And life in two boats will only rip you apart. So it is better to choose one boat and find your nirvana. Even if you are hiding your deep dark secret from your wife, they already have a hint in most probability. Even if she doesn’t know, it is your moral responsibility to be true to yourself and your wife. And therefore, I would recommend you come out to her as soon as possible.
3. Come out as soon as possible
Yes, the outcome might leave your wife shattered, broken and disturb your rosy, superficial married life, but it will all be worth it. I believe that the truth always comes out, and therefore, it is better to be the whistle-blower than let your wife discover it and become bitter. Also, living a life of truth will set you free of all the pain and regret. It will make you eternally happy and take the right decisions.
4. Be aware of possible outcomes
When you come out to your wife, you never know what will unfold for you. I have seen many women understand their partners and appreciate their honesty. Some of them move out of marriage on a happy note and continue living like friends. They hang out together and lead their own lives. That’s the best-case scenario. Some women, on the other hand, get devastated and feel wronged. A few of them might file a divorce, seek alimony and file charges of fraud, while others might choose to stick around for the sake of children and security.
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In any case, calling off the marriage is your best bet. And if you could do it on a happy note, nothing is better than that. And why not? You want to live a life that will set you free and live reality. You also want your wife to get what she deserves-love, sex, companionship, promise, trust, security and fidelity, to name a few. The initial few months will be tough for both of you, but eventually, you both will be happier than ever before. All this will seem like a blessing in disguise, I assure you.
5. Take an inventory of your emotional desires
Mixed orientation marriages are quite common than your think, and many are gratifying and stable. Sometimes people marry because they are best friends and have long histories. Other times, children keep them bonded and stable. So if you and your wife want to explore the option to continue the marriage, I would suggest you both take stock of your sexual and emotional desires. Once you do it, you will consciously observe your desire and understand what you really want. For many couples, mixed or not, security, stability and routines of life are more important than their desires.
Or are you a couple who is contemplating foreclosing your marriage and are giving no hope for continuation? Sometimes, it has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. Mixed-orientation marriage, like any other marriage, may feel dead for years. When couples do not get intimacy in emotional, intellectual, spiritual, sexual, and social aspects, they plan to exit the marriage in order to find love and sex elsewhere, regardless of sexual orientation. In some cases, sexual orientation is not the real reason for ending a relationship. But in most cases, it is the deal-breaker.
So, if you are a gay man and married to a woman, determine if sexual orientation is the cause of discontent or is it your personality trait that is drifting you apart from your relationship. And in the latter case, it might also become a cause of concern with your male partner.
6. Exit the marriage
If you are sure of your sexuality and are confident enough of your inner feelings, it is in the best interest of you and your wife to exit the marriage.
Coming out is a gradual process, and if you are reading this article, you would have only begun. Gradually, but surely, your wife and other people close to you will come to know. There could be profound repercussions. People might blame you, question you and put you down. But those who are close to you and understand you will continue to support you. They will defend you regardless of your decision to exit your marriage.
When you decide to quit the marriage, the chances are that you would be held guilty of destroying your wife’s life. But eventually, when the dust settles down, all will be fine. All the pain will be worth it. Nothing will be more satisfying to see your ex-wife find a man who makes her feel like a woman. All her smiles will dissipate your inner guilt and pain. And in future, you can reach out to her for her forgiveness. It will eventually liberate you. Also, nothing would be more fulfilling than to live your life, being who you are, living your life with the man of your dreams. All that matters is to take a firm stand and feel responsible for the life you lived. People will eventually respect you for your honesty, for being true to yourself, for your courage to fight back! No one will take a stand for you, and you only have to stand up for yourself.
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And at a juncture when life, as you know, feels to be ending, remember that many people have walked the same path before you. So, if you are a man and married to a woman and have decided to exit the marriage, you are not alone!
Coming back to the story of Stefan, after 10 years of his marriage, he realized he couldn’t take it anymore. Therefore, he has successfully come out to his wife and exited his marriage. He has found Santiago, his dream man. He now feels free, unburdened and find his life more fulfilling. He still loves his wife and is soon planning to meet her and seek her forgiveness. He has eventually planned to uncuff himself from the guilt of his past and spend a more meaningful life- one that is full of honesty! What are you contemplating?
Why do gay men marry women?
There are many reasons why gay men end up marrying women. Sometimes gay men do not truly understand who they are, and they end up marrying a woman only to validate that they are gay or bisexual. Sometimes gay men marry women as they are ashamed of coming out and find it hard to express their true identity due to the stigma attached. Sometimes, gay men marry women hoping that it will change them and turn them straight. Sometimes gay men marry women as they want to have kids and lead a peaceful life while understanding that adoption doesn’t come easily in their countries. Sometimes, gay men marry due to parental pressure and associated guilt. I have also seen many gay men marrying women because they didn’t find the right committed male partners and marrying a woman was their best bet. Many times gay men marry women, as they do not trust the gay community, as gay men shy away from commitment, relationships and settling down. There are many gay men who remain single at an old age as compared to their straight counterparts. It reflects the propensity of gay men, in general, to stay this way and may dissuade other gay men. Another reason gay men choose to marry women could be that they trust women more and believe that women are more likely to stay committed for life. Sometimes gay men end up marrying women when their home country does not recognize homosexual marriages or where gay marriages are considered illegal. And they are rendered with no other choice than to marry a woman or stay single. A few of them choose the former alternative and lead a family life than choose the latter and be single.
So if you are a gay man and married to a woman, what are your thoughts on the same? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below. Also, if you know someone who is gay and married to a woman and struggling in his life, do share this article with him. You never know if it gives him the courage to put his thoughts into action and emerge out as a victor!
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