How To Stop Comparing Yourself To Others? How I Did It and How You Can too!

You get up in the morning and come across the millionaire boy effortlessly flaunting his breakfast at Tiffany’s, wearing a Patek Philip watch and Gucci tracks as he boasts of how he only eats organic! As you scroll through his Insta feed, you realise that you also want the same from your life. But then you look around, and your small bubble breaks. You become frustrated and ask yourself: why not me?  Later in the night, you thought of applying for new jobs on LinkedIn and a new notification pops up. Your college buddy just got promoted as a VP in his company. On the contrary, you find yourself stuck in your current job. It is your third company in the last two years. Even though both of you started the same year, in the same college and same degree, your career took different paths. Immediately, you become resentful. You ask yourself: why not me? We all have experienced such feelings, and this reaction is not uncommon. Yes, social comparison is a normal behaviour where we try to understand our abilities and status by comparing to other people. But it can also be very harmful and can result in envy, negativity and resentment if not kept in check. So the next logical question is how to stop comparing yourself to others.

Ask yourself if you have ever felt frustrated seeing how other people live a luxurious life that you can’t even imagine. Or do you often get envious when you see others enjoying their lives watching aurora borealis in Svalbard, Norway? Or do you feel that your body is not enough as you scroll down your Insta feed? Well, if you have, then you and I have been partners in crime.

I used to do it a lot. I had everything, but I wanted more and more. I believed that those living in big mansions must have been the happiest lot. I used to judge the book by its cover. Look how naive I was. Despite growing up learning that: all that glitters is not gold, I used to exactly practice the opposite. 

I was fascinated by the perfect sculpted bodies of the Instagram models and the lavish lifestyle people boasted of. And if I was not conscious and careful about it, I ended up spending hours scrolling down the social media feed of people I did not even know. And to be frank, I sometimes ended up feeling not so great about myself. 

So a few years back, I promised myself to stop comparing myself to others. And it is not easy. With 24/7/365 days of access to the best parts of people’s lives, it was tough to ignore them. And it was even tougher to view their lives and then not feel that I am not enough. So how did I break this habit? 

Why comparing yourself to others is not good for your mental health?

When you compare yourself to others and then feel bad about your life, you are telling yourself that you are not enough and not worthy. It is bad for your self-esteem and personal growth. And therefore, comparisons steal your happiness and peace of mind. It is also a sign of a weak mindset. 

Comparisons also steal your money and deplete your financial resources, as you start wasting your funds on buying things that you do not need. You buy them just to show off on Instagram or to your neighbours. 

Comparisons also rip you off your mental energy. You waste so much time watching people and their luxurious lives. And when you do so, you are making comparisons in your subconscious. And an inadvertent outcome is that you get jealous and disheartened. You end up exhausting all your energy on something that is making you bitter. This energy you could have used for your own personal growth instead. 

So when you often compare yourself to others, you end up spending money, and emotional and mental energy on something that has no end. No one wins this game. 

Here is a quote I would like to mention here:

"There is always going to be someone prettier than you, fitter than you, richer than you, and appearing happier than you. Good for them. Good for all of them. You focus on you."

Why do we compare ourselves to others?

As young kids, we were often subjected to comparison with other children by parents, teachers or friends. And as we grow up, we internalise this behaviour and start comparing ourselves to others consciously or subconsciously. Sometimes the comparison leads to positive feelings of inspiration, motivation or a reality check. But at other times, the comparison leads to resentment, frustration, envy or feelings of inferiority. And most of the time, we find ourselves lacking behind, leading to extreme unhappiness and something called an inferiority complex. It impedes our true potential to be positive, stay happy and make the most out of the present. 

So before you understand how to stop comparing yourselves to others, let’s understand more about it in the light of social comparison theory. 

The social comparison theory

When we assess ourselves and our abilities, status and worth by comparing to others, it is called social comparison. It is a process where we try to evaluate ourselves and set the benchmarks that we want to achieve. Some may get inspired, while others may get disheartened, frustrated and envious. Social comparison can happen in two ways: upward social comparison or downward social comparison. 

Upward social comparison

"She is much more beautiful, wanted and successful than I am."

When you compare yourself to those you perceive are better, it is called an upward social comparison. It can lead to two outcomes and associated feelings. 

The first is where you get inspired and motivated. You start working towards reaching or surpassing the level of the person you are comparing yourself with. It can lead to personal growth or professional excellence. 

The second, the more common one, is where you get jealous, bitter or disheartened. It is obviously an undesirable outcome that will only lead to pessimism, disappointment and frustration. 

Downward social comparison

"At least I am better than him, both financially and professionally. And I have a more rocking life."

When you compare yourself to those you believe are worse, it is called a downward social comparison. When you compare yourself to those who are not doing as well as you are in life and are drawing pleasure out of it is nothing but a sadistic tendency. You are artificially boosting your self-esteem, and such feelings are only temporary. Massaging your ego will work only for a while and will not serve a meaningful purpose. 

So how to stop comparing yourself to others? Let us find out. 

How to stop comparing yourself to others and bypass the comparison trap?

It is essential to escape the comparison trap and free yourself to lead a more meaningful life. When you stop comparing yourself to others, you make space for happiness to seep in and start feeling healthy emotionally. While indulging in social comparison will only make you feel worse and unworthy. I am sure no one wants to experience this feeling. So how to stop comparing yourself to others and end the jealousy game? 

How to stop comparing yourself to others? 8 simple ways!

It is something I am still working on myself. These are the steps I have taken to escape the comparison trap, take charge of my life and find my happiness back.

1. Look around and take pride in your achievements 

When you look deeply into your life, you will find many things that you would be proud of. So why not take a deep sigh and take pride in the things you have achieved and find your own contentment? Everyone is blessed with a few qualities that make them stand apart. You should look back in your life and find yours. You will definitely find a few achievements and abilities that will make you feel proud. One way is to document your achievements and make a list. It does not matter if they are big or small if you take pride in them. 

I did the same in my life. I tried to find out all the trophies I won, tokens of appreciation I was gifted, snippets of things I got when I felt proud, pics of moments I cherished, my first job offer letter, my music performance accolades and so on. I created a wall of fame in my house and placed all things on it. Whenever I have self-doubt, I look at my wall of fame and take pride in it. It gives me immense confidence to trust myself and reminds me that I am enough. It makes me feel content with my own achievements rather than worrying about what other people are doing. 

PS: It is not the same thing as not having a goal or being complacent. Everyone should have personal goals that one should work upon. These goals shall be intrinsic and not defined by what others are doing or want you to do. 

"You are stronger than you think. You have more abilities than you think. And you have already achieved more than you think. All you need is to look around, introspect and find out reasons to feel proud."

2. Count your blessings

Another thing is to count your blessings and be grateful for whatever you have- a loving family, a secure job, a car to travel, eyes to see, a brain to think, and an ability to do whatever you want to do. The list is endless. If you start counting your blessings, you will fall short of numbers. So why indulge in social comparisons? Instead, look around those who are not as blessed as you are. There is a lot of pain and suffering if you look around. Look at those who are differently abled and imagine the challenges they face on a daily basis, for instance. Or look at those who are barely able to make ends meet. So, ask yourself: what are you cribbing for? And you will get your answers. 

One way is to practice gratitude and have an abundance mindset. Be thankful for what you have. It will help you focus on the positives in your life and help evaporate the feelings of self-doubt, inferiority and negativity. 

"Focus on your blessings rather than being distracted by the blessings of others."

3. Define the meaning of success and set a higher purpose in life

Ask yourself: what is the definition of success to you? It will help you figure out the true meaning of success in your life. For some of you, success may mean happiness or a family with kids and for some, it may be staying healthy. I have asked myself this question many times, and to me, the definition of success is to be able to live my life happily and healthily. And I am not really bothered about someone’s thriving business empire or bank balance. I believe that what is meant to be mine, I will achieve it. I will work towards it to lead a better life but not at the expense of my happiness and health. 

Another way is to find a higher purpose in life, like working towards the betterment of society, upliftment of the poor and needy, or anything else you want to contribute to humanity. Finding a purpose in life will give you reasons to live your life for a cause and not for something superficial like buying a property in Calabasas, making social comparison meaningless. 

So I would ask you to find your own definition of success. Find a definition that is beyond materialism and find a higher purpose in life. Once you find out what success means to you, like leading a happy life with kids, you will work towards achieving it rather than comparing yourself with others. 

4. Find success in your customized life

Back in the year 2004, when I was doing my MBA, I was denied a visa to fly to the US to further my education. All of my batchmates got their VISA on the other hand. I was the topper in my batch and one of the most promising students in my class. It was my dream to complete my studies in the US and find a job in NYC. I was clearly upset. So I called upon my best friend to share my load. I soon slipped into a comparison mode and started comparing my life with my batchmates. I said to her: ‘I am the deserving one, yet those who are less deserving, are living life than I always wanted to live. I became resentful and was hurting.  

She listened to me patiently. After I was done, she told me a few things that changed my entire perspective on life. She told me that everyone has a customized life to live. Not all MBAs do the same job, draw the same salary or get promoted the same way. Similarly, not all of us who top the class become the CEO of a multinational. Some have an average career, and some enjoy a fast-track career. Whatever it is, focus on your customized life. It is the one meant for you. You can choose to live a life full of regrets, envy and comparisons. Or you can choose your present situation at hand and find the best you can do. The choice is yours! Those who went to the US would lead their own customized lives, and everyone will not be living the same kind of life or enjoy the same level of success. She said: focus on your customized life, tailored around your living conditions. 

Then she told me that I am just 22 years of age and why am I comparing myself with those who went to the US. What have I achieved so far? Is this the end of my life? She told me that I have not even started my career, so why live a life full of comparison when nothing is yet achieved? Instead, I should work hard and work towards making my life. It is only when I reach the age of 60 or when I take retirement, I should be looking back to see what I achieved in life. She had a point. 

She also made me understand that no one has a perfect life and that everyone has their own challenges to face. You never know that if an opportunity has been denied to you, it may be a blessing in disguise. Those living in a mansion are really happy? Or do those flaunting wealth and luxury travel have a beautiful family to come home to? Maybe these people are envious of you for having a loving wife, happy kids and a peaceful life. Or maybe a friend of yours who just got promoted as the vice president is envious of the frequent foreign vacations you take.

Finally, I realised: what is the point of wasting time living a life full of comparisons, especially when everyone has a customised life to live? My life situation is completely different from the other person’s. And his life condition is different from that of a third person, and so on. When everyone has different circumstances to face, why make comparisons and live a life full of regrets and self-doubt? And a better way to seek a comparison is to look back when you reach an age and see what you achieved in life. It will help you break your habit of comparing yourself with others every now and then. 

I hope I answered the main question: how to stop comparing yourself with others.? 

5. Focus on your strengths

Everyone is blessed with a few qualities that make them stand apart. You should be able to recognize yours. Once you do a thorough introspection, you will find the unique abilities or strengths you have. Once you identify these skills that you are really strong at, write them down. And here are a few of mine:

• I am friendly and compassionate: When it comes to people, I am warm and friendly. I connect with people on a deeper note. I can make connections effortlessly, and people look forward to spending time with me. People love me, and I love them too. And it is my biggest strength. 
• I am hardworking and passionate about what I do: I believe in hard work and give my best to the project at hand. I can work extra hours without even cribbing. It is the reason I have excelled academically. 
• I am optimistic: I am an optimistic individual. I look forward to living my life, enjoying every moment as it comes and likes to spread positivity around.
• I am an amazing mentor and a life coach: I love training and mentoring people in the fields of marketing, digital marketing and management. And it is what I also do for a living. I am also a good life coach and author. I love to write about wellness and lifestyle. It is a gift, and I am blessed to have one. 

Once you list down your strengths, you will feel better about yourself. You will be internally satisfied and will help you break the habit of comparing yourself with others. 

6. Compete with yourself and not others

You should fix your own benchmarks and goals in life. These goals shall be intrinsic, realistic and achievable rather than being dictated by what others are doing. You should achieve these goals and set new ones. The real competition is you and not the people out there. Compete with yourself, for yourself and not for others. Think about what have you done in your lifetime and what else you want to achieve. So when you think about how to stop comparing yourself with others, here is the answer! You are your real competition. Compete with your past and make your future worthwhile. 

7. Enjoy the success of others and celebrate life

Many people ask me how to stop comparing myself to others. My answer is to challenge yourself and enjoy the success of your friends and peers. When a friend updates about his promotion, be happy for him. When someone travels to your favourite holiday destination, be excited for them. When someone buys a new car, enjoy the ride. There is a lot of pleasure in celebrating people’s accomplishments, big or small. Once you do it, you will see things turning in your favour too. Positivity attracts positivity. 

Also, understand that someone’s winning is not your loss, and someone’s success is not against you. You focus on your success and let others focus on theirs. 

8. Use social media diligently 

It is hard to ignore social media. It is even harder to be on social media and not compare yourself to others. I am talking about myself as well. 

Social media has changed the way we live, interact, behave and feel. Social comparison has led to real problems in our society, that as depression. With the widespread use of social media, social comparison has become the order of the day. Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat, to name a few, are good examples of how social comparison is spoiling various lives. Social media posts are overwhelming and often lead to an upward social comparison. As per studies, increased use of social media leads to an increase in negative feelings and depression. The result is envy and jealousy, and it does not help you create the life you want for yourself.

"Instagram is not real life. Focus on the quality of your life and not on the number of your social media likes."

How to stop comparing yourself to others financially?

Do you want to know one of the most common complaints people often make? 

“Whenever I see my friends, I feel they are doing better than me financially and professionally.”

And it is very typical of you to feel so as you may think that your friends are making more money than you, are debt free, and are not facing any financial limitations. So you spend hours contemplating what you are doing wrong and comparing yourself with others. As a result, you feel jealous and measure yourself less than the others. 

In a way, you are giving away your power! 

All this comparison does nothing good but holds you back from reaching your full potential and makes you resentful at worse. 

So how to stop comparing yourself to others financially?

All the points discussed above hold true here, but here are a few specific things you can do to break this habit of comparing yourself to others financially. 

Tell me, when was the last time you saw someone posting on their social media about their debt trap or the financial struggles they are going through? Or when was the last time you posted about your financial struggles on your social feed? 

I guess it is not likely! People do not share their struggles or hardships on their social media pages as they are afraid that others will judge them or that such a thing will tar their social image! Instead, they share the best part of their lives, the best moments, and the luxurious lives they lead. 

But do you have any idea what their real life looks like? You got so jealous that they went to bora bora island, partied on the yacht, and could afford it, but you can’t. But what you are missing out on is that they might be putting it all on credit cards that will take them years to pay off. 

So, before you compare your financial position with others and subject yourself to unnecessary pain, be aware that you don’t know what’s happening behind the scenes. 

And to make matters worse, you will later realize that comparison is slowing down your own progress. It makes things more tricky when you discover that your friends are not struggling with the same house loan that you have. In fact, you should be utilizing this time to help yourself and build the life you want rather than spending hours crying over what you do not have and what others have! 

Of course, unless you have a solid reason for comparison, such as comparing your salary to peers to gauge the industry benchmark and to make sure you are compensated fairly. 

Another reason you should stop comparing yourself to others financially is that when you do so, it can get expensive really quickly! But how?

As per a survey, millennials spend more money than they have to keep with their friends. And it has put some of them in debt. So what is happening here? You are getting into a debt trap just to keep up with people who are going into debt themselves to keep up with you and others. 

So, instead of doing things just to keep up with others, assess your financial situation and do a budget alternative if you are too keen on doing that. 

Also, it is pretty easy to get resentful and jealous just because you can’t afford a few things that others can. But have you really thought if you even need those things in the first place?

I used to feel jealous about the expensive shoes and clothes people bought from luxury brands. Sometimes, I even went over budget to buy them for myself to keep up with others. And now I realize I seldom wear them. They are a waste of money as they just keep lying in my closet. I prefer comfortable, casual clothes where I don’t have to worry about them getting spoiled. I could have clearly spent the same money on things I needed instead. But now I am paying a considerable opportunity cost for the same. You do not want to do that. Right! 

So ask yourself if you really need to splurge so much to buy things you do not need and things that are not fundamentally you!  

One more thought worth mentioning here is that everyone is fighting their own battles, and so are you. Even if someone is financially very secure, you do not know what the rest of their life looks like. You may be struggling financially and the other person with something else you don’t know about, such as medical issues, illness, relationships, or even depression. In fact, they may be looking at your life and feeling jealous because you are not dealing with the same struggles! 

Having said so, it is not easy to stop comparing yourself to others. Still, with a bit of mindfulness, reflection, intelligence, and practice, you can change your mindset and pull yourself away from the comparison trap. 

So now that you have learnt how to stop comparing yourself to others, are you ready to break the barriers and turn things around?

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