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Do you have a friend who recently came out to you as gay or a member of the LGBTQ community? Or do you have a friend who you always thought is gay, and you have confronted him? There is a fair chance that you already have a rainbow sheep in your friend circle. But what to say when someone comes out to you? Or what to say when someone comes out over text to make it worse? But before you actually initiate the conversation, make yourself aware of a few things you should not ask your LGBT friends.
Fact: The national coming out day is celebrated every year on 11th October. It is a proud moment for queer people, a day when the people still living in the closet look forward to coming out. In the LGBTQ+ community, ‘coming out’ means ‘coming out of the closet’ and it means revealing to the public about one’s own sexual orientation or gender identity.
Coming out of the closet as a member of the LGBTQ+ community can be quite daunting. And if someone has recently come out to you as gay, you should recognize that coming out confession can be challenging and is a life event for the rainbow sheep. But being on the receiving end of the coming-out confession can be equally tough! You might feel hurt or broken about not being aware of such a big secret, especially if the person who came out to you was your BFF. But do not make it about you. It is not about you. It is about your gay friend who has gathered all the guts in this world to come out to you. So you need to respect that and put your friend first.
What to say when someone comes out?
Your LGBT friend loves you, confides in you and trusts you, and that is why they have come out to you. It is the moment your friend has been working toward for as long as they can remember. And they chose you to break the ice. Yes, you must have been shocked to know that your BFF is gay, and you have lots of questions in your mind to ask him. You may also think that this was out of the blue. But as a friend or an ally, think before you confront him or ask him about his sexuality. It is your responsibility to ensure that you do not inadvertently say something hurtful or offensive. So lay down your cushions, grab your wine, grab those snacks and get comfortable. Yes, you need to talk at length as you become the epicentre of the coming-out confession. So let us get it right.
Recommended Read: We all have LGBT friends but do we know the meaning of LGBTTQQIAAP?
Someone who has come out to you feels intimate enough to believe in you. This person is being honest with you and risks losing you as a friend. It is difficult to determine what to say when someone comes out to you. And it is more difficult to contemplate what not to ask your LGBT friends when they come out to you.
Let us first take up what to say when someone comes out to you. Here are a few suggestions:
1. Do not make it about you
When your friend comes out to you, you may become speechless or feel cheated of not being aware of the biggest secret of your BFFs life. But is it really about you? Think of your LGBT friend and how much courage he would have gathered to confront himself and then come out to you. You should instead recognize his efforts, make him comfortable and let him lead the conversation. Let them clear their mind and release those pent-up feelings. Also, ask them if they want to talk more! Why? It is about them and not about you!
2. Thank your friend for coming out to you
First of all, thank your friend for confiding in you and trusting you with his life’s biggest secret. Thank your friend for having the courage and strength to come out to you. If they have chosen you, it means they really value you and trust you. Words like ‘it’s going to be alright, do not worry, and I am there for you,’ will make a huge difference than you think.
3. Do not judge
Never judge your LGBT friend. You may have strong opinions about a few things like how one should live his life or how only straight relationships work. You may also argue how your religious beliefs disapprove of gay relationships. But it is advisable to keep your beliefs to yourself, at least for now. There will be plenty of time in the future to resolve these conflicts and accept your friend’s sexuality.
4. Reassure your friend
Reassure your friend that you are okay with it and nothing is going to change. Tell your friends that you still care for them, respect them for who they are, and that their sexuality will never define your friendship with them. The main fear that gay people have when they come out is of losing their family and friends. Help them overcome their fears by standing beside them.
5. Ask them if they have told anyone else and how did it go?
You may not be the first person they have confided in. So ask them if they have told about their sexuality to others. If yes, ask them how did it go? If the person is uncomfortable talking about it, use his facial expressions as barometers of his experience and be a good human!
6. Ask them if they need any help?
If your friend has told it to others like family, and it did not go well, then there are chances the person is struggling with his living situation. In such a situation, if you offer your place to live in for a few days or help him find some other safe place, they will thank you for life. A lot of doors get shut when you come out, and if you keep yours open, you will be no less than an angel. Apart from it, you can also ask if they need any other help.
7. Respect your friend’s confidentiality
You should respect your friend’s confidentiality all the time. They have confided in you, and you should live up to their expectations and keep up their honour. Do not call other common friends of yours and gossip. It is something to be kept within you. Let your gay friend decide who he wants to tell and whom he doesn’t.
8. Ease out the tension
Try to bring some humour as it may ease the awkwardness and tension that is piling up. One of my gay friends when came out to me, and I simply said: “you should have told me earlier, we would have hunted a good guy for you rather than finding a girl to marry you.” And it did make him so comfortable and open. Humour does wonders if used intelligently.
9. Know more about your friend’s partner
Try to know more about your friend’s partner, ask about him, and include him in your plan as much as you do with other friends. It will give a positive signal of acceptance in your friend’s mind. He will be elated to see you being so accepting of him, his sexuality and his partner.
10. Include your friend in more of your plans
It is a good idea to include your friend in more of your plans and hang out more often. At least, initially to reassure your friend of your friendship and to forge a stronger bond. Continue to do what you guys used to do before, like watching movies, sleepovers, house parties, hanging out in the malls, or going out for dinner. The chances are they may have lost the support of their families and other friends, and your support may feel more precious to them.
11. Be available to your friend
Be available to your friend, call them and check with them, and offer unconditional support. This will reassure them of your friendship and your presence. Do not make your friend feel isolated. It is common to see them go through depression, anxiety or anger. So be ready to counsel your gay friend or deal with their mood swings.
12. Talk about other LGBT friends you know
You can also talk about other LGBT people you know at work or in your extended circle. If your gay friend knows that you have accepted someone before, they will be more comfortable.
13. Learn more about the LGBT community
It is a good idea to learn more about the LGBT community, their challenges and the issues they face. You can also ask your friend more about the LGBT community. It will make you better understand and support your LGBT friend, know their world and advocate their cause.
14. Do not ask awkward questions
Last but not least, do not ask them awkward questions that may make them uncomfortable or feel hurt. Read below on what not to ask your LGBT friends when they come out.
What to say when someone comes out over text?
Okay! so now let us answer the question ‘what to say when someone comes out over text?’
When someone is trying to tell you about his or her sexuality over messages, it means the other person wants you to know but is not sure of your reaction and is not ready to face you. In such a situation, you should do the following:
- Always reply back immediately or as soon as you get the time. Do not get silenced as it will frighten your friend. He may get anxious, stressed or even depressed. He might also think that you are no more interested in being friends with him and whatnot! Even if you are shocked and need some time to process it, reply back, and tell your friend that you will reach out or call back as soon as you get free. The idea is to not let the other person keep hanging.
- It is good to reply back in a polite tone. You can say things like ‘it’s okay! You are happy that you finally came out and chose me to confide in.’ Tell them how proud you are of him. Try to converse over text and messages for a while and make the other person comfortable before you try to connect over the call.
- You can then check with your friend if he would like to speak over the call or meet up for face to face conversation. And let the other person decide! Once your friend who has come out over the text feels comfortable and is sure you are not judging him, he will connect to you on the call or face to face.
Now you know what to say when someone comes out to you, let us focus our discussion on what not to say to gay friends or LGBT people when they come out.
10 things you should not ask LGBT friends!
There are certain things you should never ask gay people or your LGBT friends. It is always good to learn about the common mistakes that people make while conversing with LGBT friends. Once you are conscious about things not to say to gay friends or queer pals, it will become easy to be a supportive queer ally.
1. Are you sure you are gay?
It is rude to ask your gay friend to prove their sexuality to you or make them rethink their sexuality. If they say they are gay, they are pretty sure about it. It is indeed rude to ask someone to confirm their sexual identity over and again. How would you feel when someone asks you: are you sure you are straight?
Instead, ask them if they have accepted their sexuality and if they say yes, tell them how proud you are of them.
2. When did you decide to be gay?
Really? Before you ask someone: when did you decide to be gay, ask yourself: when did you decide to be straight? LGBT people are born this way, and they do not get to choose their sexuality like straight people do not get to choose theirs. Also, understand that it is not just a phase in their life, and soon they will bounce back to become straight. It is not like they got a letter one fine day saying “congratulations! your application to become gay has been approved.
Several studies have revealed that sexuality is determined by genetics and surroundings and not by free will. So gay people do not take a call on their sexuality.
Also, when you use the word decide, it implies that you are accusing gay people of choosing to be gay. It puts them at fault, and it is the last thing you want to do when your friend comes out as gay.
Instead, ask them: “tell me more about the time when you first fancied a handsome guy or a beautiful girl.”
3. But you don’t look gay?
When your friend comes out as gay, you may be tempted to say: you do not look gay. It is actually not a compliment. Rather it implies that all gay or LGBT people look, act and behave in a certain way. It is nothing less than stereotyping. And you do not want to compartmentalize all the gay people or pigeonhole them alike. Gay men come in all shapes, sizes, colours and traits. Some of them are too masculine, and some may be feminine. And if someone comes out to you as gay, you should never say something like this. The way every straight person is different in demeanour so is your LGBT friend.
Instead, you can say that you failed to realise that your friend was gay and that you are sorry for that.
4. You have changed. What’s wrong with you?
This is absolutely a no-go. When someone comes out to you, the other person is very sure what is he saying. He knows himself quite well, and he has been the same with you. It is just he has accepted his sexuality and now wants his friends to accept him. Perhaps you should ask yourself why he did not trust you enough earlier. Your friend did not transform into another person. It just took him some time to discard the closet. If he has changed, it is just that he has affirmed self-acceptance.
Instead, ask your friend why he did not trust you and tell you earlier. Reassure him of your friendship!
5. Who is the man in the relationship?
Before you ask your friend this question, you should know that you missed the point- there isn’t one! Part of being in a same-sex relationship means being attracted to a person of the same sex. And to me, both are equal in all possible ways. Are you trying to ask who plays the masculine role or feminine role, or who pays for the dinner dates, opens the car door, or shows chivalry? I would say it’s none of your business. And if they are gay, then they both are men, and if lesbians, they both are women.
Instead, ask: Do not ask anything! You should rather update your knowledge and ask google about it.
6. How do you guys do it?
I am sure when someone comes out to you, this is not what you want to ask. It is something very personal and is none of your business. Ask yourself why you care so much about how they do it. Would you ask your straight friend the private details of their sex life like this?
Instead, ask google if curiosity is killing you!
7. Oh! I love gay boys. Can we be friends?
When someone you know comes out to you, is this the first thing you wanna ask them? Is someone’s sexuality a reason to be gay? So ask yourself why do want to befriend a gay guy: because he is fancy or you love his fashion sense, or do you want to flaunt them? Being gay is not a good enough reason to be friends with someone.
Instead, you can be supportive of them and show your solidarity. If you want to be friends with him, be a good human and connect more on an emotional level than just superficially.
8. Would you like to meet a gay or lesbian friend of mine?
There is nothing worse than straight people trying to hook up with gay men. When someone comes out to you, this is certainly not the thing you would want to ask that person. I know that your intention is great and it is very kind of you to ask such a question, but is it required? I know that you think that like-minded people should meet and people with the same sexual preference should hang out together. But homosexual relationships work the same way as heterosexual relationships do. Gay people just do not automatically like all other gay people. Just like how straight people do not automatically like other straight people. Gay people also look for compatibility and other factors when they make their choice. Just being a part of the LGBTQ community is not a good enough reason to be friends with.
Instead, you can offer your friendship and time, as the person who has come out to you confided in you. And this gesture will be appreciated more.
9. Are you a twink or butch?
What to do when someone comes out to you? Ask them if they are twink or butch and use a lingo that the gay community uses. Well, it is not cool to throw random words from the LGBTQ fraternity just to prove your inclusivity. Also, not all gay men or lesbian women may know all the LGBT lingo. Not all of them are walking the LGBT encyclopedia.
Instead, you can try to be more supportive by accepting the person from the heart. And you will come out as more inclusive.
10. How do you know if you are gay when you have not dated a woman?
So let us reverse this question and ask straight people how they know they are straight when they have not dated or kissed a member of the same sex. And there is no rocket science behind it. The answer to this question comes naturally. It is natural that your brain signals about the gender you are attracted to. So stop asking such a question and try to empathize. There is no harm in asking how the person discovered his or her sexuality.
Instead, you can ask your LGBT friend if he did something considered straight.
11. Do you like to cross-dress?
The blunt answer is no. Not all LGBTQIA people like to cross-dress (though some may). In fact, there are a few straight men who cross-dress. How about that! Gay people are inclined to love people of the same sex, and they might not be interested in dressing like the opposite gender. The assumption that all gay men have traits seen as feminine is totally false. This is sheer stereotyping and prejudice.
Instead, tell them that they can freely express themselves and that you won’t be judging them.
12. I hope you are not going to try on me?
If you ask this question to your friend who has come out to you, you are really disappointing him. You are her friend, and she is not interested in dating you. Gay people have preferences of their own and their own type, and they will not waste their time and efforts and recruit you to their cause. Especially when there are a lot of gay people out there. In fact, you are the least of their concern.
Instead, ask your gay friend about their type and get to know them better.
To conclude this article on ‘what to say when someone comes out to you,’ I would say that it is best to accept people as they are. There is no point in treating anyone differently just because of their sexuality. This way, you will be a lot happier and make this world a beautiful and inclusive place to live in.
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