Know When To Walk Away From Sexless Marriage?

My sexless marriage is killing me! I don’t know what to do. Should I walk away or stay?

If you have these questions in mind, don’t worry. You are not alone. And if you are reading this, you are most probably in a similar situation.

Many people who are in a sexless marriage are unfulfilled and confused about what to do. They don’t know how to fix their marriage or when to walk away from a sexless marriage.

So, how do we go about it?

All romantic relationships start with intimacy, desire, and passion. But as time passes, many relationships start losing their charm and intimacy. Consequently, desire and passion start dissipating, too.

If you are someone who feels that the spark and fire have gone missing in your relationship, then it is a matter of concern.

So does it mean you have to settle down for a sexless marriage to honour the sanctity of those sacred vows? Or should you walk away from your marriage and reclaim your life?

You have only two options: leave the marriage or continue to stay in it.

Walking away from a sexless marriage is not easy. However, staying in a sexless marriage is not healthy either.

But my advice is to rethink before quitting the marriage and work on intimacy issues if you think your marriage can be saved. However, it would be best if you kept an eye out for a few red flags. But if you think it is beyond repair, it is time to walk away from a sexless marriage.

What is a sexless marriage?

What is a sexless marriage? Are you in a sexless marriage, or is it just a phase of sexlessness?

Well, there is a difference between the two.

While it is surprising to acknowledge that two people are married but not consummating, such relationships do exist and account for sexless marriages. In such marriages, the partners are not physically intimate and have not touched each other for years.

A sexless marriage is a marital union in which little or no sexual activity occurs between the two spouses. This lack of sexual intimacy can be due to various reasons, including low sex drive in one or both partners, physical or emotional issues, or external factors that disrupt the couple’s sexual connection. It’s important to note that periods of reduced sexual activity do not necessarily make a marriage “sexless”; the term typically refers to a prolonged absence of sexual engagement.

Sexless marriages can result from various factors and have emotional and relational consequences for couples. While some individuals or couples may choose to live in a sexless marriage, it is often a source of concern or distress within the relationship.

However, sexless marriages are different from not having sex for a prolonged period of time. Sometimes, there are marriages when people do not consummate for a short period for various reasons, and it can’t be called a sexless marriage. Only when the partners have not been consummating for a year or longer can it be called a sexless marriage.

So you have to figure out if you are in a sexless marriage or if it’s just a phase. And if it is not a phase, then you should know when to walk away from a sexless marriage!

Signs of a sexless marriage?

Here are a few signs that may indicate you are in a sexless marriage:

1. You feel more like roommates than partners. It means that you and your husband are merely coexisting, and there is absolutely no physical connection or intimacy.
2. You both do not sleep together, and it has been over a year since you and your husband touched each other.
3. You and your husband do not talk about or make any attempt to revive your erotic life anymore. All you talk about is operational issues in your life. Erotic talks make you or your husband uncomfortable.
4. You both do not flirt anymore or even try to be alone together.
5. You neither have the time, energy, nor willingness for physical intimacy with your husband. However, you think about getting intimate with other men.
6. The last time you got physically intimate with your husband was long ago.

What is a sexless marriage, as per the definition?

While some experts believe that consummating less than ten times a year would be counted towards sexless marriage, there is no universal agreement on this. But one thing is clear: if you can relate to most of the signs listed above, you are in a sexless marriage.

Reasons for a sexless marriage?

Before you understand when to walk away from a sexless marriage, you should know the reasons behind sexlessness! So, if your venereal life is not rocking anymore and has considerably decreased, you need to figure out the cause. While you and your partner had a high frequency when you started, with time, it has dropped, and now it is only rare. So, what are the reasons or causes for your sexless marriage?

Here are a few reasons for a sexless marriage:

1. Increase in work pressure, stress, and expectations.
2. Life trauma, grief, or emotional suffering.
3. Loss of libido, desire, or performance due to stress or ageing.
4. Low self-esteem and low self-confidence due to body shaming, etc.
5. Pregnancy, childbirth, and other medical issues such as menopause, erectile dysfunction, and polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).
6. Problems related to infertility or potency.
7. Conflicts in the relationship lead to resentment, grudges, and anger that build up. This could be a major reason why you are not getting intimate anymore.
8. An emotionally abusive relationship, criticism, negativity, and a lack of support from the partner.
9. Mismatch in expectations and physical drives.
10. Different sexual orientations of spouses, including asexuality, can cause sexlessness.
11. Painful consummation experiences.
12. Personal fetishes that don’t go well with you or your partner.
13. Other issues, such as performance anxiety, may lead to the fear of not being able to satisfy their partner, especially in men, as it could become an issue since the male ego is conditioned to direct and lead physical activity. And being denied may hurt the male ego.
14. Addiction and substance abuse can also lead to decreased love-making activity, as alcohol and drugs inhibit libido and the general ability to perform erotic acts.
15. Treating physical intimacy as a repulsive act, as sometimes abusive childhood, past relationships, and bitter experiences where consummation was violent, involuntary, painful, and shameful, could make the partner utterly averse to these acts.

Ideally, you should be able to address these issues by communicating with your spouse, making them comfortable, and reassuring them. It is best to approach a sexless marriage with an honest intention and a positive mindset, as many problems can be solved when both partners work together for a common cause.

My sexless marriage is killing me. What do I do?

A lot of people often keep wondering within themselves: My sexless marriage is killing me; what can I do about it?

Witnessing a decline in sexual activity with your partner is natural. When you started your relationship, you guys did it countless times, now and then, on the kitchen counter, the balcony, or in the parking lot. In fact, there was no place left out.

But then you had your first baby, then the second, and physical intimacy went for a toss. Before you could even sense this, you slipped into a sexless marriage.

Now you ponder: My sexless marriage is killing me, and what should I do now? How do I know when to walk away from a sexless marriage and whatnot? What is more upsetting and demotivating is that whenever you talk about it with your partner and make an attempt to sort it out, they either deny it, make excuses, are not available, or are willing to address the issue.

When people say my marriage is killing me, it means they are suffering. Yes, a sexless marriage can have serious repercussions, can cause deep emotional wounds, and is not conducive to your well-being. As a matter of fact, it can even make people depressed and resentful. Plus, it can also lead to undesirable behaviour, such as sleeping outside of the marriage.

So, if your marriage is killing you, you need to come out of this trap as soon as possible. There are two ways to do this: either work it out or walk away before you sleep outside of your marriage and cheat on your partner.

What are the emotional effects of a sexless marriage?

Marriage is an amalgamation of various things, and intimacy is an integral part of your marriage that you cannot afford to lose. Both physical and emotional intimacy go hand in hand, and a lack of intimacy can disrupt emotional bonding, cause depression, and give rise to several behavioural and trust issues. 

For some couples, sexless marriage is a nightmare; for others, it is how they live. In any case, it is not a good situation to be in and can cause serious problems in your relationship. Let’s have a look at some of them:

1. It can cause serious misunderstandings in your marriage. When you both have drifted into a sexless marriage, frustrations can crop up and manifest as misunderstandings. It can make your relationship brittle and tougher to navigate.
2. A sexless marriage can weaken your relationship as it directly hits the romance between the couples. Physical intimacy is a focal point of any romantic relationship. 
3. It can lower your self-esteem as the feeling of ‘I am not hot enough’ can easily seep in. A sexless marriage can take a direct hit on your self-confidence and self-image and can even cause depression.
4. It can make you feel lonely and isolated. Sometimes, sexless marriages make things happen faster than they would have otherwise occurred. With a sexless marriage at hand, the feeling of isolation can easily creep in and completely consume you. And in the end, you end up filing for divorce or separation.
5. It can alter your thoughts about marriages in general. A sexless marriage can cause a deep dent in your mind that you carry as baggage even after your divorce or separation. And this feeling can enter into your new relationships and ruin them before they even form.

Sexless marriage effect on the wife?

What are the effects of a sexless marriage on the wife or the woman? How does a wife feel in a sexless marriage?

Well, a marriage without physical intimacy is a marriage without love and can adversely affect both partners. However, it may impact the husband and wife in different ways.

The effects of a sexless marriage on a woman depend on various factors, such as her drive, her sexual history, her health, and her expectations about physical pleasure in general. And for a woman, physical pleasure and intimacy can be beneficial in more ways than one.

Women who are physically satisfied experience fewer episodes of depression, mood swings, and anxiety. It is proven that intimacy and consummation release happy hormones and enhance the overall feeling of well-being and happiness. Endorphins released in the process help women sleep well and promote relaxation.

Women typically have a higher drive than men, and rejection by the husband is absolutely horrific and may destroy the wife’s self-worth. A sexless marriage can make the wife feel miserable and unwanted. Many women who are denied consummation in their marriage stop caring about their physical appearances. It may lead the women to gain weight and stop taking care of their health.

Sexless marriages can lead to hormonal changes in women and may cause various other health issues. Many women report feeling extremely frustrated and insane, which may manifest in their demeanour. Wives who are in sexless marriages may develop grudges and resentment, which may lead to unrealistic expectations. For example, a wife may expect her husband to compensate her for a sexless marriage by doing more household work and taking on more responsibilities. A sexless marriage can also tempt or force the wife to venture out and fulfill her desires. It may cause her to indulge in infidelity, undermining her position as a wife. Adultery can cause dissonance in the mind, and the wife can feel guilty or shameful, which is detrimental to mental health.

Sexless marriage effect on husband?

What are the effects of a sexless marriage on the husband or the man? How does the husband feel in a sexless marriage?

When the husband is not able to satisfy and fulfil his carnal desires in the marriage, it may have serious repercussions. One of the effects of a sexless marriage on the husband is low self-esteem. The husband may not be very vocal or expressive about it, but it can lead him to seek assurance and approval from the outside. Of course, husbands want to feel wanted and desired, too. If they do not find it in their marriage, they will look for it outside of their marriage.

Another effect of a sexless marriage on the husband is that they might feel ashamed for not being a man enough to have it with their wife. It may again lead to a feeling of low self-image, low self-esteem, and a wounded ego.

As we all know, lovemaking leads to the secretion of happy hormones. A lack of it for longer periods can lead to irritability, mood swings, and even depression. Prolonged anxiety and depression can also lead to sexual problems, such as erectile dysfunction.

Another effect of a sexless marriage on the husband is that it can bring in a feeling of failure, insecurity, and dejection. These things will bring anger and resentment to the relationship and ultimately lead to more arguments and fights. And the angry and resentful husband will be lured to sleep outside or even abandon the marriage.

A sexless marriage, therefore, can be devastating for husbands and may lead to poor mental and physical health. It can cause serious trust issues and increase the feeling of isolation in men as well. If not addressed, a sexless marriage will eventually convert into misunderstandings, leading to infidelity, cheating, lying, and even separation or divorce.

How to deal with a sexless marriage as a man?

If you are a man who is stuck in a sexless marriage, what can you do about it and deal with such an unpleasant situation?

A sexless marriage can be devastating for the husband. But if both the husband and wife work towards resolving the conflict, compromise, and communicate openly and honestly, it can get on track.

A husband in a sexless marriage may feel stagnated and frustrated, but there are methods to work it out. Let’s see how you can deal with a sexless marriage as a man:

1. Go to the root cause of the problem and find out the actual reason for your sexlessness. Try to discover why you and your spouse live like roommates, not partners. But one word of caution is to approach it with humility, compassion, and gentleness. Do not throw your angry backlash at your wife and blame her. Give her time and show her empathy. Reassure her of your presence and create a safe place for her to share her innermost feelings. The idea is to break the ice and communicate openly.
2. Do not ignore the elephant in the room. The idea of an affair or divorce is quite normal in a sexless marriage. So ask your wife if that is the case. Try to understand her point of view to know what she is up to and address it with cold rationality. With divorce on the tip of your tongue, you might slam the door in anger, but is physical intimacy a deal-breaker for you? Did you try all the options to address your sexless marriage as a mature person? So, ask yourself these questions before acting on your thoughts.
3. Try to win your wife all over again. Address all the potential issues, forgive her, and bring courtship romance back into your marriage. Do not lose patience. Try to be creative when it comes to bed. Explore fetishes and fulfill them together. Both of you should remember your vows and think of the good times you had. Reliving memories and re-bonding may open new erotic doors again.
4. Do not shy away from seeking professional help, as marriage counsellors or therapists can help you in more ways than you think.

How to deal with a sexless marriage as a woman?

Many women who are stuck in a sexless marriage spend a considerable amount of their lifetime contemplating what to do. Although it is quite challenging to deal with a sexless marriage as a woman, it is possible to work through it. Here are a few tips that can help:

1. Communicate openly with your husband about your needs. As they say, communication is the key to healthy marriages. You should be vocal about your physical needs. Also, you should clearly communicate how the lack of intimacy impacts your mental health.
2. Try to initiate it yourself and do it more often. Sometimes, your husband may hold back because he thinks you are uninterested. Also, try to find out various other ways to get physically intimate, like exploring his fetishes, role-playing, etc.
3. The best way to deal with a sexless marriage is to be emotionally intimate, as it cements your bond as a couple. Once you find your emotional connection again, physical intimacy will follow.
4. Try to find out the real cause of your sexless marriage. Is it you who drifted apart, or was it your husband, or were both responsible? Try to find out the root cause and resolve it. Talk things out, iron out the differences, and forgive each other. Be determined to work it out.
5. Try to figure out why your husband is not into you anymore. Is he into someone else, or is any medical condition the real reason for sexlessness in your marriage? If he is into someone else, ask him clearly and address the issue head-on with cold rationality. If he has developed a medical condition like loss of libido, infertility, or erectile dysfunction, then first make him comfortable and give him a safe space to come out to you. Try to be empathetic and consult a doctor or therapist by reassuring him of your presence and support.
6. Another thing to consider is whether your husband is bisexual or gay. Was he hiding his sexuality or struggling to accept his orientation? In either case, the real reason for him drifting into a sexless zone is his sexual orientation. If it is true, then it is time for you to know about it. Do not live in a fool’s paradise; move on.
7. Be ready to sacrifice and compromise for the greater good of your marriage. Ask your husband to remember the marriage vows and seriously work on resolving the conflicts. When you work towards bringing the spark back, things start falling into place. Always remember that the right intentions lead to the right things.
8. Seek professional help when nothing is working out. Marriage counsellors and therapists may help you in more ways than you think. 

A sexless marriage can devastate a woman and take a toll on her mental and physical health. Such a situation is difficult to live in and can be consuming, hurtful and frustrating for the wife. So, as a woman, you must determine if you are committed to your marriage, even if it means living a sexless life. Or are you ready to venture out of your comfort zone and fix the issue? If nothing is working out, then do you have a future plan? Sometimes, it is definitely worth taking a look at your future plans and knowing when to walk away from a sexless marriage!

When to walk away from a sexless marriage?

The absence of physical intimacy is quite common in married couples. But the real question is when to stay and when to walk away from sexless marriage. Sometimes, the lack of intimacy could be due to factors beyond your control, and you can choose to survive in your sexless marriage without cheating. However, if you have become toxic as a couple, the absence of physical intimacy could be a symptom rather than the main issue itself. In such a scenario, it is best to walk away from your marriage and work towards rebuilding yourself after the divorce.

Here are the 10 signs to indicate when to walk away from a sexless marriage:

1. Your partner refuses to work through the issues 

Any problem can be resolved when both partners are willing to work collectively on it. So, it is the responsibility of both partners to communicate openly and honestly. Both should collaborate to solve the problem as a couple and win together. It means you should share your concerns and needs and listen to your partner’s needs and concerns as well. Both should work on finding out the real reasons and address the bone of contention.

If you have tried all these things and your partner still refuses to work with you to resolve the issue and work on improving your bedroom life, it is a sign to walk away from the marriage. 

But before you conclude that your partner is unwilling to support you, make sure you have done everything you can to do your best without any blaming and shaming. For example, if your partner has a lower libido or ED, you can show him all the support by talking it out and by consulting a therapist or a doctor. You can also approach lovemaking like a game and not associate it with an outcome. It will ease the pressure your partner might feel and ultimately help him confide in you. 

2. Your partner refuses to seek professional help

The first step sexless couples take is to seek professional advice from an expert and enrol for couple therapy and marriage counselling. If your spouse is not keen to take this initiative or refuses to seek professional help, there is little to try for. If lack of physical intimacy kills you and your partner deliberately avoids the right help, you have no choice but to walk away. 

3. Therapy did not go well with your partner

Perhaps you and your partner successfully enrolled in therapy, and your partner had the perfect chance to turn around your physical life, but to no avail. After regular counselling and therapy sessions, if your needs are still unmet and there is only a little or insignificant improvement, it indicates that your issues are beyond resolution. Staying in your marriage will only lead to bitterness, resentment and depression. To protect your mental health, it is advisable to move on, as there is no shame in filing for a divorce on the grounds of a sexless marriage that is beyond repair. 

4. There is a complete deadlock over different sexual preferences or interests

One rule that binds all couples against all the odds is open and honest communication about intimacy and expectations. It also includes accepting and communicating evolving sexual preferences. Your husband may discover that he now prefers the company of men or is asexual. And it can be the reason for your sexless marriage. So when spouses have different erotic interests or their sexual inclinations have diversified with time, it is a matter of concern, especially when there is no convergence and carnal interests do not align. For example, you may discover that your husband is gay, which is the primary reason for the lack of physical intimacy in your relationship. If you can resolve and align your interests, it is fine. But if there is a complete deadlock over physical intimacy and interests, it is time to move on in your best interest. 

5. You and your spouse have an incompatible drive

It is normal for married couples to have an incompatible or mismatched venereal drive or libidos at times. But it turns to hopelessness when such a condition prevails permanently. Have you tried getting physically intimate with your partner only to be denied and told that they are not in the mood? Does it make you feel miserable? Continuous rejection can lead to feelings of inadequacy and unattractiveness. The other partner who denies it may also feel the pressure to oblige when they are having a low drive from venereal acts. But it all indicates an incompatible drive, and continual turndown due to conflicting drives could break down any marriage. 

6. Your relationship with your partner has become toxic

Sexless marriages can cause resentment to build up in the relationship. But is it sexlessness that is the reason for toxicity, or toxicity is the reason for your sexlessness? Relationship problems like manipulation, cheating, gaslighting, emotional abuse and constant negativity can make your relationship toxic. Other issues that may be damaging your relationship are power struggles, substance abuse, financial discords or extreme temperaments. A sexless marriage can be an outcome of these underlying relationship issues. Going to therapy or professional counselling can reduce the toxicity. But continual toxicity is a matter of concern. And in such conditions, it is in the best interest to break your marriage that only makes you feel awful. So do not turn a blind eye to these toxic relationship issues!

7. Venereal acts in your relationship is merely a tool to exercise control

Do you know when to walk away from sexless marriage? Suppose your partner is withholding physical intimacy in an attempt to control you, manipulate you, or exert pressure. In that case, it is a sign of a toxic relationship and a potent sign to move on. In a toxic relationship, one of the partners may use physical intimacy as a weapon to control the other partner and use it as a form of reward or punishment for the desired behaviour. So, when one partner attempts to control the relationship using intimacy as a tool, it may lead to a sexless marriage and ultimately to divorce due to undesired manipulative acts. 

Recommended Read: Knowing when to let go of a relationship: 4 signs it’s time to move on!

8. Sexless marriage is a result of infidelity

There is a very strong correlation between a sexless marriage and extramarital affairs. Unfaithfulness and infidelity can be a deal-breaker, making it difficult for partners to be intimate again. Many people choose to stay in marriage despite infidelity for the sake of family and children or other compulsions. But the bond between them changes and even leads to sexless marriages. When one of the partners is unfaithful, it becomes very tough for the other partner to forgive, leading to serious trust issues. It ultimately converts to separation and divorce. So, if you are looking for an answer to when to walk away from sexless marriage, it is time to take that step. 

9. Sexless marriage has led to infidelity 

Not only can unfaithfulness lead to sexless marriages, but the reverse is also true, viz., sexless marriages can lead to infidelity. It is quite common for both partners to seek gratification outside their marriage when they are living just as roommates. So, if you are tempted to cross the sacred line in search of carnal desires, your marriage is already done! It is time to decide how to walk away from your marriage. 

10. There is no love or emotional attachment in your marriage

With time, partners may grow apart and then completely fall out of love. If you and your spouse have reached a point where no love is left anymore, it is a matter of grave concern. Love and emotional attachment are basic building blocks of any relationship, and marriages are no exception to it. No intimacy may lead to dissatisfaction, but lack of love may mean no relationship at all. So now you know when to walk away from a sexless marriage; no love is one of the strongest indicators!

How to deal with sexless marriage: is divorce the answer? 

Okay, now you know when to walk away from sexless marriage. Is divorce the only option? A sexless marriage is a tough situation to be in. For most marriages, it is a deal-breaker; for others, it is how it is. So, answering this question can be quite tricky. But one thing is clear: it all depends upon what both of you seek in your relationship.

For some couples, physical needs are meaningless, and they rarely or never get intimate and still be together. If both of you are comfortable living together as roommates and are happy in your relationship, heads up! One case also could be that both of you are either asexual or are sleeping outside. But one thing is clear besides all the odds: you have kept your relationship primary and have decided to stay in your marriage. 

The real problem arises when one or both partners are unhappy with the lack of intimacy and feel unfulfilled, frustrated and unwanted. A sexless marriage can be a ground for divorce in such cases. Physical intimacy can become a deal-breaker and lead to divorce or separation sooner or later. It is just a matter of time before the marriage falls apart. 

If you like this post, “Know when to walk away from sexless marriage?” please share this post with those who are suffering in a sexless marriage. Also, if you have some tips to share on how to know when to walk away from sexless marriage, share the same in the comments section below.

You may also like to check out our YouTube Studio for some inspiring and life-changing videos!