Self-awareness is an essential life skill that many people do not possess. And it is not because they do not know about it but because they do not see any reason to develop it. And yet, you cannot rule out that many people do not even know about the concept of self-awareness and the potent benefit self-awareness can bring to their lives. People who are low on self-awareness or lack self-awareness are the people who are difficult to deal with. They are the people who lack emotional maturity, find it difficult to form and sustain relationships, and do not know what they want from their lives or work. These people live a life full of dissonance, conflicts and confusion and are emotionally weak personalities. In fact, most people in this world are not self-aware, and you have no choice but to live with them. And often you can’t avoid them as these people form a substantial chunk of your social interactions. Unaware people are not just frustrating, they can be detrimental to your overall well-being and become a major source of stress and negativity in your life. So how to deal with someone who lacks self-awareness? And how to go about it? Is it possible to help the people who lack self-awareness see more clearly? And if we can’t do so, what can we do to minimize their impact on our success and well-being?
Before you actually start to deal with people who are low on self-awareness, you have to first determine whether their self-awareness is a choice or ignorance. It is because a person who is low on self-awareness might not even know about the social missteps they are taking on a daily basis. They may be messed up not by choice but by their circumstances and conflicts that they never consciously process. On the other hand, you may know of people who are fully aware of their actions and still continue to choose to behave they want to. For example, some of them may come off as arrogant and formidable because they choose to be so. They may not care about whom they bother or offend and have no desire to be close to people who get humiliated by their actions.
People who lack self-awareness or are low on self-awareness may not necessarily come from your personal life. They could be your co-workers or boss who deliberately choose to be arrogant and unfriendly because they feel good about it and consider it the best way to operate in the workplace. And these people are quite easy to spot as most people choose to stay away from them. There are a few typical signs to know if a person lacks self-awareness that you should be aware of: arrogance, bullying, conflicts, difficulty in forming meaningful relationships, making excuses, not being aware of emotions, playing blame games and so on. You need to be aware of these signs before you actually decide to deal with them.
How to deal with someone who lacks self-awareness?
Here are 6 effective tips to deal with someone who lacks self-awareness:
1. Determine if the person is ready to be helped
Here is a thing that you may want to know before you learn how to deal with someone who lacks self-awareness: the drive to develop self-awareness comes from within and from the desire to improve, and you can’t force it on anyone. Until a person really wants to transform themself, nothing can change them. The only realisation in this world is self-realisation, and an internal motivation to change works way better than an external motivation to change. So if you try to force things, it may backfire and invite animosity. There are a lot of people who are low on self-awareness or lack self-awareness. But not all of them can be helped.
To bring about a change in someone, you need to make sure that the person is receptive to constructive criticism. Do they approach you for seeking advice or challenging their assumptions? If yes, you can reach out to them and ask them directly, “hey can I give you a little feedback on XYZ thing?” But make sure to remain careful, especially at the workplace, as it can lead to more problems if your advice is not well received. Yea, your intention might be right, but a lot depends on how the other person perceives it.
As opposed to the unaware, certain difficult people like colleagues, friends or relatives know exactly what they are up to and what are the consequences of their behaviour, but they are not willing to change. I once knew of the Vice-President of Brand Management, who apparently was my reporting manager, with a reputation of humiliating and scolding his team whenever he was disappointed. And, when I finally confronted him with all my courage, one fine day, his response was, “you know what, fear holds the key. It is the best leadership style to command respect and get the work done.” He swore by this rule, and nothing could have ever changed his thought process. So, I decided to avoid him altogether and changed my team.
So here comes the real difference between the unaware and those who are aware but do not care: the former want to succeed by being effective and collaborative, but do not exactly know where they are lacking. The latter are unapologetic about their demeanour and they think it is the best way to deal with things. They may say, “of course, I need to be pushy with my team. It is the best way to make them attain their targets.“
2. Determine if you are the right person to help them become more self-aware
So, before you want to become an agent of change, you need to determine if you are the right person to do so. It is true that when we help the unaware people and provide them constructive feedback, we have their best interest at heart. But before you invest yourself into it, you need to make sure you share the right rapport or relationship with the unaware. Only then your feedback and criticism will be taken in a positive light and not as an intrusion or some shady motive. So think about the unaware colleague and ask yourself: have they sought your input in the past, do you share a comfortable relationship with them, or is there someone else better suited to do the job? If you think you are not the right person to do so or your efforts won’t make an anticipated impact, there is no point in venturing into something that can cause more harm than good.
3. Determine the risks that may plague your relationship
Sometimes the risk of changing the unaware is way too high as it may backfire and make the other person really angry. It can bring tears to the other person, may silence him towards you, or even make the unaware yell at you. Sometimes they can become toxic and may try to sabotage your career by limiting your promotion opportunities or firing you. And you do not want to be in such a situation. So it is wiser to assess the risk before you embark on a journey to make the other person more self-aware.
In fact, you should take care of power dynamics and power differentials before you choose the person in question. An unaware boss is someone tough to tackle and has a detrimental impact on the team’s performance and well-being. Agreed! But confronting your boss can become more toxic and riskier because of the authority that person holds. This risk, however, is usually lower when the unaware is your peer, co-worker, friend or relative. So, always assess the risk before you try to become an agent of change to make people more self-aware.
There are various ways to go about it. You can first speak to the unaware in person, understand them and carefully give them your opinion and honest feedback in a subtle manner. Instead of going up to them directly and being critical about their behaviour, exercise some strategic patience. You have to wait for them to come up to you and seek your feedback or express their frustration or dissatisfaction that most likely is stemming from their lack of self-awareness. You can then ask them if you can lend some advice for their own well-being and success while avoiding the term feedback (as feedback can make the other person act defensive or offensive). At all times, make sure to show them that you care and that they have your support.
4. Do not assume that you can always change them
Yes, you tried your best, but the other person is not ready to change or will require much more effort and hard work than you anticipated. And now, you do not want to pursue it any further. So, do not feel hopeless. In fact, you have done your part, and the rest is up to the other person to take it forward. No one is a kid here and if someone wants to work upon themselves, they can pick it up from here. You can’t make it your lifetime project to work upon and handhold them till infinity as you have to focus on your well-being as well.
The good news is that, although you can’t force them to become self-aware, you can choose to minimise their impact on yourself. You can limit your interaction to a bare minimum or change your team if their negativity is bothering you too much. The idea is to limit your exposure to them so that you can focus on the right things in life. This might mean changing your team, project, or job. You may also move ahead and find a new set of friends. And the less time you spend with them, the better off you are.
However, be very cautious. If you take this course of action too prematurely, you are more likely to end up with another bunch of unaware people at work or in relationships. Eventually, you will find yourself landing in the same situation as before: back to ground zero!
5. Focus on what you can control
While you can’t control how others behave, you can certainly control how you react to things and not get impacted. You can start by first strengthening yourself by relying on your emotional and social intelligence and self-confidence. You can become more mindful of the situation around you and practice things like meditation to destress and calm yourself in the presence of the unaware. Instead of being bogged down, you can work on your mental toughness, resilience and emotional awareness. You should keep your goals in front of you, be guided by them, solicit constructive feedback and keep your ego in check. When you focus on the positives, you avoid getting distracted by the negatives.
6. Be empathetic and compassionate
If you are still contemplating how to deal with someone who lacks self-awareness, follow this tip. Unaware people are also humans at the end of the day. They have their own stories about where they are coming from. And one of the reasons they are unaware is that they are still struggling. And the least we can do is to understand where them coming from, and what their struggles are and be empathetic and compassionate about it without inviting any judgements. The best way to deal with someone who is unaware is to show them empathy. Once you show empathy and compassion, you develop the skill of remaining calm in the event of adverse or unfavourable situations and outcomes.
Read Also: How To Practice Empathy? Sympathy versus Empathy versus Compassion.
Are there any other ways that you have used to deal with people who are low on self-awareness? Please share your tips for that same in the comments section below. We would love to hear your thoughts. If you like this article: How to deal with someone who lacks self-awareness, please share it with your friends and family. Also, check out our YouTube Studio for some inspiring and life-changing videos!
