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Letting go does not mean that you do not care about someone anymore, but it simply means that the effort you are putting in to hold on is no more worth it. Everything in life is about striking the right balance between holding on and letting go. We all aim to make the right choices in life but making such a choice is not as easy as it seems, especially when it comes to those we love. And knowing when to let go of a relationship saves us a lot of pain and helps us move forward in life. So, is your relationship worth saving or is it time to call the quits? Let’s find out!
I have unintentionally become an expert at moving on and letting go. I have lived in dozens of cities, studied at a similar number of schools and colleges, worked at different companies and locations, and worn the hats of both a working professional and an entrepreneur. Add to it a lot of travelling. I have lost so many people in life, underwent grief, ghosted a few people and was ghosted by many. I have been cheated, let down, hurt, used and emotionally abused. Who knows better than when to let go and how to let go? I am aware of the sensitivities of relationships. But I also know when to let go of a relationship and when holding onto it is no more worth it.
Read on to know ‘How to let go of the past? 11 powerful tips for moving on with your life!’
Why is it so hard to let go of a relationship?
In a relationship, we invest a lot of emotions, energy, time and other resources. The more we invest in our relationship, the harder it is to let go. Letting go of someone we love means letting go of the memories we created. We refuse to accept that the beautiful past we shared is no more. And we sulk to recreate our memories and keep clinging to them, making it hard to let go of a relationship.
Sometimes we refuse to let go as we fear the unknown- the fear of living alone, the fear of rejection, the fear of our unhappy past leaping into our future. And an inadvertent outcome is that we live a life dictated by our past, outlined by our fear, and defined by insecurities. It makes it really hard to let go of a relationship. But it all leads to melancholy and extreme unhappiness.
Sometimes it is our ego that makes it tough to let someone go. We often cling to a relationship to satisfy our ego and not let the other person leave us. How can he do this to me? How can he leave me? I won’t let it happen. I will not suffer alone, and I will not let him go. He has to stay. Either we both win, or we both lose. It feels normal, right? Well, it is exactly how your ego is ruining your present and making it difficult for you to move on. So ask yourself if all this pain is worth it and if your relationship is worth saving.
So what is it that you are clinging onto? Is it your past or future, ego or fear, or a little bit of each? Sane people unquestionably know when to let go of a relationship and agree that it is better to move on than cling to something with no future.
Take this quiz to know if you are stuck in your past: Launch The quiz.
Knowing when to let go of a relationship- 4 signs it is time to move on!
When we hold on to something really hard, it is a sign that it is time to let it go. And when it comes to something as valuable as a relationship, letting it go is really tough. Is your relationship worth saving? If you notice the following signs, it is definitely not!
So, let us now know when to let go of a relationship and set yourself free.
1. The relationship drains more energy than it gives
There is nothing more exciting and refreshing than connecting with people you love. When you share your life with the right set of people, you share your energy with them, and they share their energy with you. It is nourishing to share the joy of life with them, and it makes you more positive.
However, some connections exactly do the opposite. They consume us to the point where we feel drained. Every time we meet them, we end up feeling more stressed, tired, or low. Whenever it comes to meeting or being with such people, we feel uneasy, and all our enthusiasm goes in vain. At first, when you started with such people, the relationship was fulfilling. With time, uneasiness, bad temper, or clashes percolate down in your relationship. And you navigated through it and tried to make things work. But eventually, you realize that it is just too draining. You just do not want to make things work. Not anymore. And here is your answer. When you think you are the one holding the relationship, giving more than what the others are giving back, and now you feel wronged, it is time to say goodbye. Knowing when to let go of a relationship is easy. Just feel your emotions and trust your heart. You will get your answers.
2. You are not comfortable being your real self
Every individual is unique, has an opinion of their own, and has their own interests, needs, and wants. When you entered into a relationship with someone, the person loved you for who you were and respected you for what you were. But now, you feel judged and uncomfortable expressing your opinions and thoughts. You meet such people, but are mostly reserved. You have to pretend to be someone you are not. And these are the signs that you are not being true to yourself.
But hold on, sometimes it is all in our heads. When we meet people after a gap, some anxiety is obvious. We often feel ashamed of how we have become-not in the best shape, not as successful as we were supposed to be, divorced and alone. The other person has become the who’s who of the town. He has two kids and a lovely wife to come home to. We suspect if the other person will accept the new us. But when we meet, it seems nothing has changed, and no time has passed. On the other hand, despite you being real, if your fears are confirmed, and you end up feeling uncomfortable and ashamed because the other person has rejected the new you, then it is time to move on.
3. They are always critical of you
Being blunt in a relationship is one thing and being critical is another. If someone is always critical of you, on your face or behind your back, it is a cause of worry.
There is something called constructive criticism, and if your relationship with the other person is that of a coach or mentor (how to find a mentor who is right for you?), it is an encouragement. And if you guys share common grounds, giving a quick reality check is healthy. But if your relationship is predominated by constant criticism and negativity, and you feel let down, it is a sign that it has become toxic. Such critical behaviour not only shakes your confidence but also reduces your self-image and self-worth.
I personally experienced such a relationship. The relationship, when it started, was beautiful, indeed. But with time, it became toxic. After a lot of contemplation, I concluded that jealousy and personal interests had become dominating factors in my relationship. And I knew that such a relationship would do nothing other than bringing me down. It was clear that I did not want to see them anymore. I soft ghosted them and then literally moved on. It started with ignoring them, to a total cut-off! I knew it was time to let go of a relationship.
Want to know how to navigate jealousy & insecurity? Click to read!
Also, another aspect to consider here is to ask yourself: what value these people are adding to my life other than throwing a constant negative backlash? And knowing when to let go of a relationship will never be easier.
4. You are the only one making the effort
Ask yourself if you are the only one making an effort to make a relationship alive and moving. If you think through it, you will figure out if it is true or not. There is something called soft ghosting. When the other person is not consistent in his behaviour or does not consistently respond to your messages or calls, or only gets in touch via texts, never connects on-call or in-person for meaningful conversations, it is a sign of soft-ghosting. And one point in time, you realize that you are basically out of touch.
In such a case, the other person has decided to focus on things they think are important, and you figure out nowhere in their list. The other person no longer cares to be in touch with you. I have personally experienced soft ghosting, and my first reaction was a confrontation. I tried to fix up, mend things and directly conveyed my distress many times but to no avail. It did not help me a lot. A person who has decided to move on and has no space for you anymore, no amount of cajoling, guilting, passive aggression or emotional blackmailing will come to your rescue.
You can reach your friend with honesty and compassion. While reaching out once or twice is okay, the other person should reciprocate your actions equally. Pushing and pleading will not turn the table around. The other person shall be equally making efforts to retain you. If not, then it is time to move on.
There is no perfect way of knowing when to let go of a relationship. But in the case you are not taking any action to retain a friend, you are actually letting it go. And the best way to know when to let go of a relationship is to follow your instinct. And when you think of time spent with the other person or when you think of the other person, it becomes a negative experience, it is probably a good time to let the other person go.
After all, you never know the real reason and motivation of the other person to move on. You never know, the other person who has ghosted you rings back a few years later and surprises you. Also, you never know what the other person is going through and what their real challenges are. Maybe they are not thinking clearly or need a break to figure out a life for themselves! Do not make it terrible by throwing your emotional backlash at them.
Two years ago, a dear friend of seven years ghosted me. She and I shared the same birth dates, worked for the same company, lived in the same neighbourhood, had countless sleepovers and parties, and shared fears and aspirations. But she started being more unresponsive, missing my calls and was more distant than before. I reached out to her a couple of times, but my efforts led to total silence. But I did not stretch it out. I let her go. Since then, I have not heard from her, barring a few likes I got from her on my social media.
It was not easy. I was tempted to check back on her, show how angry I was and that I needed an explanation and deserved a peaceful closure. Then I realized that I was experiencing negativity, and it would definitely become a central tone of my communication with her. So I decided to let it be.
I won’t say I was not hurt, but I am more confident and content now. I do not seek any closure or any explanation. I have all the compassion to understand that she needed her time off, to rebuild her life. She had her own priorities, and I had my own. There was no convergence. And the truth was crystal clear- it was time to let her go!
Is your relationship over, or should you fight for it?
Is your relationship worth saving, or is it over?
Apart from the above signs, we discussed corroborating when to let go of a relationship; there are a few key things worth asking before calling it quits.
So, before you finally decide to move on, ask yourself these three questions:
- Does this person add value to your life and makes it more meaningful?
- Have you been through thick and thin during the hard times and come out together?
- And finally, how invested are you in this relationship, and for how long?
Ask yourself these questions when you decide to quit the relationship and reevaluate the repercussions of your actions. Also, before you take a final call to quit, reflect on your actions and how they may have affected your relationship.
To assess all this, take a step back and pose these questions to yourself:
- What was it that made you enter into this relationship?
- How your partner makes you feel now and before?
- What has changed now that you are reconsidering your relationship?
- Are there any deal-breakers in the relationship that have been repeatedly breached?
- Are you and your partner sincerely trying to remove the bone of contention and be with each other?
Also, before you point fingers at the other person, determine what is going wrong in your relationship and how things got worse. And to do so, you must sit down and have a serious conversation with your partner.
To start with, you can ask each other the following questions:
- How did we get to this point?
- Are we willing to work together to save whatever is left?
- What do we need to do differently?
- Are we hearing and empathizing with each other or merely coexisting?
- What are things that we can change?
- Shall we go for professional counselling or therapy?
- Do we get out the worse or best in each other?
When you and your partner honestly answer these questions, it will help determine whether you will stay on the boat or swim to shore.
Signs your relationship is worth saving?
Is your relationship worth saving? If yes, then what should you do and how do you know that?
We have mentioned various signs of when to let go of a relationship, but there are a few clues to know if staying in your relationship is still a real possibility. So, below are a few signs to indicate if your relationship is worth saving.
1. Is your partner not willing to give up on you?
Despite all the odds in your relationship, how hard things get, and how estranged you both feel, is your partner not ready to give up on you?
Having a partner who won’t give up and is trying their best is a positive sign that you can’t just ignore. However, it is also essential to acknowledge the differences and be willing to come them over.
But if you feel your partner is not ready to change despite his efforts not to let you go, and your relationship has become too damaging to continue, it is in your best interest to let it go.
2. Do you both understand that to err is human?
If you are both mature individuals and understand that “to err is human, to forgive is divine,” and your partner is willing to take accountability, you can very well give it a second thought. Forgiveness can set you free, but holding grudges can make you resentful. So, if you feel there is still scope, you can hold on for a little longer and see how it goes.
If you still care about your partner, there is still hope for the relationship. So, if you love someone unconditionally, you’ll do anything to keep them. But make sure you do not do it at the expense of your own well-being.
So is your relationship with saving? Yes, if there is love, respect and willingness to stay together despite all the odds, you can take a leap of faith. But if your relationship is continually doing more harm than good, and you see no change in your partner, it is probably time to cut it off.
I believe that relationships should bring out the best in us. It should help us grow and evolve with time while being true to ourselves. Positive relationships keep both partners emotionally invested in each other to the point where they look forward to seeing each other. There is nothing called a perfect relationship, but if a relationship requires a lot of effort and energy along with the signs mentioned above, it is time to let go of your relationship.
Also Read: How to know when a relationship is over? Take the quiz and find out now!
I authored this post on ‘knowing when to let go of a relationship, and is your relationship worth saving,’ as I understand that most of us waste a substantial amount of time figuring out when to move on. More often than not, we do not have the audacity or the courage to put our thoughts into action. I hope this post will help all those looking for some impetus to move forward in life and help them take action now.
So now you know when to let go of a relationship and if it is worth saving or not! Take your call…
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