Fed up with inconsistency in relationships? Learn how to deal with emotional inconsistency!

Consistent behaviour is one of the strongest signals of trust and loyalty in a relationship. A person who is not consistent is definitely not worth your commitment. Some of the people I am friends with are very inconsistent in their behaviour. Sometimes they are very warm and close, and sometimes they are not even listening or available. It makes me confused, irritated, cheated and angry. It is certainly strange to see people showing inconsistency in relationships and inconsistency in their behaviour.

No one likes flickering people who flip every second and who claim big but to no avail. Naturally, we all love people who are consistent in their behaviour and who walk the talk. And we have friends or people around who say I will always be there for you. But do they really mean it? People say many things, but they do not deliver as per the expectations when the time comes. I call it emotional inconsistency. And if you are a victim of inconsistency in relationships, you are not alone. It is quite a common phenomenon nowadays as people often love to promise and not deliver.

We all hear various promises of faith and commitment from different people like ‘I will always be there for you,’ but they seldom mean it. In fact, we have also said this many times to all those we care for. And why not? It helps in building mutual trust. But when we say such a statement to someone, it carries some weight. And when you say I will always be there for you, you should mean it! Inconsistency in relationships starts with this statement only.

This one line-I will always be there for you– is not merely a statement but a complete narrative of reliability in any form of relationship. During hard times, when we are unable to handle a situation, we often reach out to people whom we trust. We feel blessed to have people beside us in our time of need as they extend a helping hand, give encouragement, solutions, advice, and moral support. It eventually builds trust in those who were there when we needed them.

But the problem never strikes only once. So we approach the same people whom we confided in and who supported us in our difficult times. And we are lucky to have them back up once again. In fact, we climb up the trust ladder of relationships we built before with an unsaid expectation of their presence whenever we need them in future to pull us out. But there may be a few of them who helped us before, who now are literally unavailable. And most of the time, they happen to be the people we trust and expect the most. It is heart-breaking to see people flip and show inconsistent behaviour. When people we love and trust start avoiding or ignoring us, they break the ladder of trust we built. And it is a form of emotional inconsistency or inconsistency in relationships that I am talking about.

Why the inconsistency in relationships is a bad thing?

Inconsistency in relationships is destructive as it keeps the relationships away from progressing and moving forward in life. Emotional inconsistency is a major form of inconsistent behaviour that people exhibit in relationships. When someone you love gives you mixed signals with respect to their emotions, behaviour, promises or actions, you never get to know where you stand in their lives. When someone behaves in a way that makes you feel loved, wanted and cared for, you feel elated. But the next day they flip their stance and behave exactly opposite of what you believed in yesterday making you feel you are no one in their life. So what should you believe in? You can easily get into self-doubt thinking about what has gone wrong on your part. Therefore, inconsistency in relationships is bad as inconsistent behaviour keeps you confused, debars you from moving forward in life and ultimately sabotages your relationship. Inconsistent behaviour is a silent killer. It is detrimental to your psyche, leaves deep scars, and creates trust issues. Inconsistency in relationships can also make you angry and resentful.

Why do people show inconsistent behaviour?

Many times people are not aware of their inconsistent behaviour as they are too engrossed in their lives to see clearly. That means sometimes their inconsistent behaviour can be unintentional, and sometimes it can be deliberate too. But in both cases, inconsistency is harmful to the person who is on receiving end.

Sometimes your friends or the person you love send you inconsistent signals deliberately and there could be many reasons for the same:

• They do not want to take the relationship to the next level and they are confused about it. When they send mixed signals it shows that they are not sure about you. It is like taking the relationship with you one step forward and then one step back. And your net progress is zero. And such inconsistent behaviour clearly shows that they are not ready to commit to you or be long-term friends with you.
• The other reason could be that you are just a stop-gap arrangement or a relationship of convenience. It is especially true in the case of romantic relationships when your partner is not clear about you. For example, they could be going back and forth between you and another person, creating inconsistencies in relationships. For a few days or weeks, they hate their ex, and you are the love of their life and the other day, they feel the need to go back to their ex. It means they are confused and want the best of both worlds, and you are being an experimental rat. So, it is time to stop being their standby and move ahead for your own well-being.

Having said that, it is okay to expect some dose of inconsistency in your relationships. The daily stressors of life, work pressure, etc. can make us moody and exhibit some inconsistent behaviour. But if you are clear that your friend or partner has been inconsistent enough times, and now you can spot a pattern in their behaviour, it is something to be dealt with immediately.

Ask yourself that when your lover, friend or relative promised to be there for you, did they abide by it? Do you feel that sometimes they are your support system, and sometimes you are wandering alone? Yes, they may have their own reasons to be inconsistent, but it made you bitter and damaged. It broke your trust and hurt your psyche, and now you developed serious trust issues that you can carry forward in your future relationships.

Signs of inconsistency in relationships or signs of inconsistent behaviour

Inconsistent people are unpredictable and give you mixed signals. They are your best buddies one day, and the other day they do not even recognise you. And can your beat that they do not have an iota of guilt for their behaviour? Apart from this, there are other signs of inconsistency in relationships to look out for.

Sometimes the people who once stood beside you now start discounting you and your issues and may say things such as

1. Why cannot you solve your problem yourself?
2. I am too busy and occupied right now. I don’t have much time to listen and advise. 
3. I am fed up with advising you on the same issues again and again. 
4. There is no solution to your problems. I am still with you, and I will always be there for you. But for now, you may deal with it on your own.
5. Why do you approach me whenever you have a problem? I am not responsible for your problems.
6. You make me feel guilty by telling me your problem as now I have a moral responsibility to pull you out of it or advise on the same.
7. I have my own issues and problems, and I can’t handle more than that.
8. You are seeking sympathy and attention. It is more of your attention-seeking behaviour
9. You don’t really follow my advice and fail me every time. So, what’s the point?
10. Your problems are never-ending. They irritate me. You better deal with your problem yourself.

And it is not uncommon to listen to the statements mentioned above.

When these statements come from those you stood by when they were in need, it puts you in a state of shock, trauma and broken trust. You start contemplating how come people become so inconsistent in relationships and flip unexpectedly. Is it now a form of emotional inconsistency? Yes, it certainly is. When they approached you, you stood by them, devoted your time and energy, and made them achieve a state of consonance. You were always patient and consistent, even if the problem was mundane, self-created or had no solution. You lent your ear patiently, was always empathetic and made sure to pull the other person out of his state of being.

Here are a few typical signs of inconsistent behaviour or inconsistency in relationships

1. The other person is inconsistent in his behaviour when it comes to you or your pursuits.

An instance of such a sign is that a person who makes you feel wanted, alive and on top of this world often flips and makes you feel the worst. That person may go days without even communicating with you. He leaves you hot and cold, and it may excite you, but in the long run, you remain unhappy. 

2. The other person is consistent in shutting down in times of hardship.

The best test of a strong relationship is that both the partners show the ability to show solidarity and an open heart even under stressful situations and pain. And it is not easy. But if a person often disappears when under stress, it is a sign of inconsistent behaviour. Look out for these patterns. 

But was it all worth it? No! But you want to deal with inconsistent people in life and can not handle emotional inconsistency or inconsistency in relationships. Not anymore! So let us understand how to deal with inconsistency in relationships.

3. The person doesn’t walk the talk

A person who does not walk the talk is weak in his integrity as a person who only makes big promises and does not deliver is definitely inconsistent. And when a person is not consistent enough to keep the smaller promises, it is a clear indication that the person is emotionally inconsistent. And such a person is prone to exhibit inconsistent behaviour. 

4. You are nowhere in his future plans

You can tell if a person is inconsistent in his behaviour by looking at signs such as how excited the person is to build a future with you or if you are part of his future plans. If you are nowhere in his future plan, be ready to be disappointed as the person may not be contemplating a long term relationship with you. And he will, in all probability, be inconsistent. 

Ask yourself if the other person keeps the promises he makes to himself? Or does he make a plan and then follow through with it? Or is he available when you need him the most? Is he more invested in commitments or results? And by now, you know what I am hinting at. 

5. You feel when you are out of sight you are out of mind

Do you think that the other person claims to be your best friend and that she is invested in your cause only when you guys meet? And when you are out of sight, the other person keeps you out of mind. And it clearly indicates an inconsistency in relationships. 

So ask yourself is it all worth it? Inconsistent in relationships is never worth it and you should know how to deal with emotional inconsistency in relationships and inconsistent behaviour.

How to deal with inconsistency in relationships or emotional inconsistency?

1. Develop a relationship with yourself first

The first step to deal with emotional inconsistency is to develop a meaningful relationship with yourself first. Once you become aware of your relationship with yourself, you become strong enough to not rely on anyone. People who face inconsistency in relationships either break apart or choose to fight back with their inner strength. And if you are someone who has developed a meaningful relationship with yourself, you will develop the strength and courage to fight back. I have been a victim of inconsistent relationships, and I choose to fight back. I decided to rely on myself and not expect from others. I consoled myself by saying:

I am thankful to all who said no to me. It is because of them I am able to rely on myself. I realise that I am strong and I do not need anyone to sort my issues out. I am enough for myself. 

Recommended Read: Happiness is a choice- How to choose it every day!

In reality, you should stop putting your faith in relationships when they become inconsistent. When someone says, do not worry, I am there with you, and I will always be there for you, you just listen, smile and let it pass. You have to ultimately realize that it is only you who can bring a change, it is only you who can help yourself, and it is only you who can pull yourself out of the darkness, filth and melancholy. And to do so you can start by first avoiding sharing your problems with others. Then you should choose the only person who is more powerful to provide you with a solution- and that’s ‘you’. 

In fact, you should dig into solutions from within and focus on developing a more meaningful and deep relationship with yourself first. As you start doing so, you start deriving energy from within and emerge as a winner. And one thing that comes in handy is that you turn to spirituality and practise various techniques to keep yourself calm and composed. And eventually, you will learn to avoid situations that may put you in a dark state again. Ultimately you will see that you can navigate inconsistent relationships and avoid inconsistent behaviours with ease. So the best way to deal with inconsistency in relationships and emotional inconsistency is to turn to yourself and confide in your strengths.

2. Speak to them about it head-on

The best way to deal with emotional inconsistency is to speak to them about it. You can tell them that the other day you greeted them, but they did not acknowledge you. And then you can enquire if they are okay. Doing so will give them a message that you are aware of what is going on. Sometimes you can also give the other person an opportunity to make the first move, by letting them come to you rather than going to them and greeting them first. Hopefully, it will give them a message to them. But if it doesn’t work, you can confront them.

So the best way to deal with inconsistent people is to confront them and tell them that you are not okay with their inconsistency. Either they will stop it or not care about it. In any case, you will get your answers.

3. Give them the benefit of doubt

It is a good idea to ask the person who is inconsistent in behaviour if everything is alright? You can ask them if they are okay. And if they are okay and things go fine, you can tell them that you were expecting their support or at least stand by you in your time of need. Do not expect them to respond favourably, but at least you will get a sneak peek into their mind and the thought process.

And if they really value you, or if their inconsistency was unintentional, they will make amends and not be inconsistent with you anymore. Howsoever, if they do not budge, you have your answers. You should move on and find someone worth your time and commitment.

4. Do not consider yourself as their victim

The best way to deal with emotional inconsistency in relationships is not to consider yourself as their victim. If someone displays such inconsistent behaviour, then in all probability, it reflects their own inadequacy, shortcomings and dilemmas. Such a person is unsure of themselves first. It has nothing to do with you, and it may be more about their distress and concerns.

5. Let them go

Okay, sometimes you want to be doubly sure about the other person’s inconsistent behaviour before letting them go. So you can directly confront them and tell them how you do not feel good when they show inconsistent behaviour. It is always good to give people a fair chance. And if this doesn’t work and they are still the same, sending confusing signals, playing hide and seek, it is best to distance yourself. The last thing you would want to do is to play guessing games. So the ultimate way to deal with emotional inconsistency in relationships is to let them go.

They say If you can not be consistent, you are not worth my commitment. And I totally agree with this quote. A person who is not inconsistent in his behaviour and actions is not someone worth spending time with and holding on to. Inconsistency in relationships is a kind of emotional abuse. And you should learn to say no to any form of inconsistency in relationships including emotional inconsistency.

Consistency and Commitment – Two pillars of Relationships

We should know that all relationships need a lot of patience, consistency and commitment. One needs to understand the situation from the other person’s perspective as well. The focus should be on the psychology of the person seeking help and his mental health foremost. The other person believes in you and your words and looks forward when you say ‘I will always be there for you.’ If you just say it and do not mean it, like most of us do in today’s world, it will be counted as inconsistency in relationships. And I would categorize it as emotional abuse.

So if you are inconsistent in your behaviour, you have two options. Either you do not commit, or if you commit, then abide by your commitment. You need to understand if someone is seeking your emotional help, again and again, it means that person has immense faith in you as a friend or lover or as a family. Sometimes, the other person needs you to just listen, and lend a patient hearing. And it does the trick.

You may not be capable of offering a concrete solution, but lending a patient ear and extending some warm gestures is more than enough. You should understand that valuing your own words is the most important thing in any relationship. You should be able to differentiate between being with you and being there for you. There is a deep meaning associated with consistency and commitment, especially for those who put their faith in you. So respect this, and others will respect you.

Recommended Read

How to Deal with Toxic People? 6 Signs of a Toxic People-Spot, Stop & Cut-off!

The Relationship Dilemma 

Ask yourself if expecting from others and relationships is a utopian thought? Are people not so altruistic anymore? Expecting Idealism is a crime now? The bitter truth is that people are short on patience and time. They are too busy to listen to you over and again, empathize, help, and invest in this relationship. They give up on you too soon. People are too busy to see through your problems and dilemmas. They fail to realize that sometimes the third person’s perspective and intervention is much needed, and just lending your patience and ear may do the trick.

The Neo-Relationships – food for thought!

We as humans are social beings. We are bound to get attached and form expectations in our relationships. When people promise their love, care and make strong statements about being there always, do they really mean it? Is it merely lip service? They lift our expectations by making promises and commitments. By doing so, they are letting us put our trust in them and vice-versa. Is it not their moral responsibility to live up to their promises and deliver what they promised consistently and patiently? Or maybe apologetic about it at least.

We, as a civilized and evolved species, should not ‘walk the talk’? Shouldn’t we be more empathetic and deliver when we are supposed to? Shouldn’t we be more human in dealing with our relationships? Or we are heading to a civilisation where everyone is more individualistic, independent and emotionally distant? Are we in a civilisation, where everyone is alone and detached? Is it a neo-relationship without any attachment and expectation? Do we still qualify as humans, or it is another behavioural evolution of the human species in this fight for the survival of the fittest? 

And is it even worth any meaning when you say I will always be there for you…………… Really?

If you are a victim of emotional inconsistency and found this article about dealing with inconsistency in relationships meaningful, please share it with people who need it. If you want to share your thoughts and experiences with us, please mention the same in the comments section below. We would love to hear from you.

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Summary

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Tired of inconsistency in relationships? Signs of emotional inconsistency!

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Inconsistent behaviour is nothing less than a form of emotional abuse. And we often come across people who exhibit emotional inconsistency. Read on to know how to deal with inconsistency in relationships and free yourself from expectations.

Author

Dr. Roli Misra

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The Easy Wisdom

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