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Are my boyfriend and his best friend more than just friends? Why does my boss favor my teammate more than me? Why do my parents love my younger sibling more than me? Why did my BFF not invite me to her sleepover party the other day?
These questions have been haunting me lately!
Am I being too jealous, right?
But why am I so jealous and insecure in my relationships?
Jealousy is a normal feeling that we all experience from time to time. At one time or another, we have all probably felt like green-eyed monsters. Yes, we all endured bouts of envy and possessiveness as kids or adults in our professional and personal lives. Some amount of envy is normal, and it is only human to be jealous. But it is not usual when your jealousy starts to make you feel anxious, insecure, and discontent.
So, how to overcome jealousy, and how to stop being jealous?
Let’s find out!
Why am I so Jealous and Insecure in my Relationship?
Jealousy and insecurity can arise from various psychological, emotional, and relational factors. Let us look at some reasons that are making you jealous and insecure in your relationships:
You have low self-esteem
Insecurity often stems from low self-esteem. When you don’t feel good about yourself or feel you are not good enough, you may become more prone to jealousy, insecurity, and envy.
Your negative past experiences
Your past experiences shape who you are today. A person who led a tough life is more likely to be different from a person who didn’t face so many difficulties. Your past betrayals or traumas in relationships can lead to trust issues and jealousy in your current relationships. Experiences like these don’t just go away until you consciously work on them.
You compare yourself to others
It is quite natural to compare yourself to others. But when making comparisons starts to steal your happiness, it is not healthy and could lead to jealousy and insecurity. Constantly comparing yourself to others can fuel jealousy.
Read my post about how to stop comparing yourself to others!
You are not openly communicating with your partner
Lack of open and honest communication with your partner can often lead to misunderstandings and jealousy. And it could be a probable cause that you are feeling jealous and insecure in your relationship.
Your personal insecurities
Humans are insecure. So am I, and so are you. But where do these insecurities stem from? All these insecure feelings stem from past experiences that can scar you. Insecurity can be rooted in personal fears and anxieties, such as fear of abandonment or rejection. These personal insecurities make you act or behave in a way that is sometimes undesirable. This may prevent you from taking risks, trusting others, and moving forward. As a result, you feel stagnated and unfulfilled, fueling your jealousy.
You have unrealistic desires and expectations
You should dream big. You should set realistic expectations and achieve your desires one step at a time. However, setting unrealistic expectations that you cannot attain leads to a feeling of inadequacy and failure. This may make you feel like a mediocre person and make you jealous of those who are better off than you.
You are in an unstable relationship
A little jealousy is common in relationships, especially when they are unstable and unfulfilling. So, if you feel your best friend is acting a little distant lately and spending more time with others, you can feel jealous and insecure.
Your partner or friend is not trustworthy or consistent
Occasionally, your jealousy can be genuine as well. Sometimes, we are in a relationship with someone who is not real, can’t be trusted, or is inconsistent in behaviour. We also can have a friend who never cares about how we feel and keeps breaking our trust. If such is the case, then it means that your jealousy is valid and stems from your partner’s or friend’s untrustworthy actions, and they have not given you enough reasons to be secure and content.
You are in a codependent relationship
Codependent relationships can foster jealousy due to the excessive reliance on one another for emotional validation and support. In such relationships, there’s often an intense fear of losing the partner or being abandoned, leading to jealousy when either partner interacts with others or pursues independent activities.
The codependent person may become possessive and insecure, feeling threatened by any perceived threat to the relationship’s exclusivity. This jealousy can stem from an unhealthy attachment and a lack of personal boundaries, ultimately undermining both individuals’ trust and emotional well-being.
You don’t feel appreciated
Everyone wants appreciation from their loved ones. But when you feel unacknowledged, unheard, and unappreciated, you can become resentful. And if you see your partner or people you care about acknowledge others, it can make you utterly envious.
If you can relate to such situations, do not fret! You need to get to the root cause.
If you want to overcome jealousy and insecurity, you should self-reflect on the sources of your jealousy and insecurity. Therapy or self-help resources can provide tools to address these issues. Also, building trust in your relationships is crucial. Trust is the antidote to jealousy. Practising self-care and self-love can boost self-esteem and reduce insecurity.
Let us now understand how to overcome jealousy.
Is Jealousy Healthy in a Relationship?
Jealousy, in moderate and controlled amounts, can be considered a normal and healthy human emotion. Sometimes, a little jealousy is important to keep your relationship intact. It can serve as a signal that you value a particular relationship or situation and want to protect it. In some cases, jealousy can motivate individuals to communicate better with their partners, address insecurities, and work on self-improvement. However, it’s crucial to distinguish between healthy jealousy and unhealthy, irrational jealousy.
As the old wisdom goes, too much of anything is bad. Excessive envy can lead to unhealthy jealousy that involves excessive, irrational, and controlling behaviour, such as constant suspicion, monitoring, or possessiveness. This type of jealousy can be detrimental to your relationship as well as your and your partner’s mental well-being.
Also, there is a difference between jealousy and envy. A little jealousy can be healthy in a relationship, but envy can never be healthy.
In any case, jealousy signifies some hidden aspects of your personality and hints at something you need. It also reveals much about your state of mind and personality.
In a relationship, jealousy may mean that you must communicate your boundaries, insecurities, and desires to your partner.
What is the difference between Jealousy and Envy?
Many of us think that jealousy and envy imply the same meaning and use both of these terms interchangeably. However, both jealousy and envy, although related emotions, have different connotations.
Envy is about situations, possessions, or even positions that someone else has and that you want. In contrast, jealousy is concerned with people. Jealousy comes into play when you sense that your partner or friend is getting close to someone else or that your position in your partner’s life is threatened by someone else.
You may be jealous of a person who is now closer to your BFF, whereas you may feel envious of your colleague’s promotion or your friend’s new Audi A8.
Jealousy typically arises in situations where you feel a threat to a relationship you already have. It often involves the fear of losing something or someone you possess or believe you should have exclusive access to. For example, you might feel jealous if you think your partner is showing interest in someone else or if a friend is spending more time with another friend.
Envy, on the other hand, typically occurs when you desire something that someone else has. It is related to feelings of coveting or wanting what another person possesses, whether it’s their possessions, achievements, qualities, or advantages. Envy does not necessarily involve a pre-existing relationship; it can arise even when you don’t know the person you’re envious of. For instance, you might feel envy when a coworker gets a promotion you want.
In summary, jealousy is more focused on the fear of losing something you already have, often in the context of relationships, while envy centers around desiring something someone else possesses, whether or not you have any personal connection to that individual. Both emotions can be complex and potentially negative if not managed well, but they have distinct triggers and manifestations.
Jealousy in a relationship is most often an indication of?
Jealousy in a relationship is most often an indication of several possible underlying issues, including:
- Insecurity: Jealousy can stem from personal insecurities or low self-esteem. If you don’t feel secure in yourself or your partner’s feelings for you, you may be more prone to jealousy.
- Lack of Trust: Trust is a foundational element of any healthy relationship. When there is a lack of trust, whether it’s due to past betrayals or unresolved issues, jealousy can arise as a result of suspicion and fear.
- Communication Issues: Inadequate communication can lead to misunderstandings and assumptions, triggering jealousy. When partners don’t openly discuss their feelings, boundaries, and expectations, it can leave room for jealousy to flourish.
- Past Experiences: Past experiences of betrayal or infidelity, either in the current relationship or in previous ones, can make individuals more susceptible to jealousy in future relationships.
- Comparisons: Constantly comparing your relationship to others, primarily through the lens of social media, where people often showcase their best moments, can lead to feelings of jealousy and inadequacy.
- Fear of Abandonment: A fear of being abandoned or replaced by someone else can also be a significant factor in relationship jealousy. This fear can stem from past abandonment experiences or deep-seated attachment issues.
- External Factors: Sometimes, external factors such as external flirtation or attention from others can trigger jealousy, even if there is no actual threat to the relationship. This often happens when one partner misinterprets harmless interactions.
- Unmet Emotional Needs: When individuals feel their emotional needs are not being met within the relationship, they may become jealous of others who seem to be fulfilling those needs for their partner.
Jealousy in a relationship is most often an indication of pent-up feelings that you should release. You often keep these pent-up feelings to yourself, like your insecurities, desires, and wants, because you are too shy to bring them out!
Jealousy is the emotion that comes out when we fear losing someone or a relationship we value. Maybe we start to worry about things such as: what if my partner is not into me anymore? Or what if her best friend might take her away from me? Or what if my BFF finds new friends to hang out with? It’s all about the fear of losing.
Jealousy is ‘I may lose you in some way feeling.'
Jealousy in a relationship is more often an indication of your past traumatic experiences than your partner’s actions. For example, you may be susceptible to jealousy and possessiveness if you have had unpleasant encounters in your past. And you start projecting your past into your present.
Jealousy in a relationship is most often an indication of your poor self-image, poor self-esteem and lack of self-love. Many of us usually do not feel confident or attractive enough, making it hard to believe that our partners love and value us. So, jealousy is self-created and often imposed on us by our own beliefs and insecurities. While other times, jealousy can be induced by unrealistic expectations about people and relationships. We often expect our partners to devote their entire time to us.
But is it healthy? Certainly not.
It’s not healthy for partners to spend a hundred per cent of their time with each other. You need space and some time off each other to sustain your bond and maintain the sweetness in the relationship.
Also Read: Jealousy in a relationship is most often an indication of these 5 things?
When does Jealousy become dangerous?
People who question why I am so jealous and insecure should not worry until such a feeling becomes overpowering and consumes them entirely. Jealousy becomes a problem if it starts affecting your behaviour. Here are a few signs that indicate that your jealousy has become toxic to your health:
- You experience frequent mood swings.
- You feel bad and low about yourself and your relationships.
- You feel insecure and anxious all the time.
- You often feel angry and resentful.
- You feel like seeking revenge.
- You feel other uncontrollable emotions.
Here are a few examples that also indicate that your jealousy has surpassed the definition of being normal:
- You have started spying on your spouse, partner, or friend, becoming increasingly suspicious of their moves.
- You clandestinely check your partner’s or friend’s emails, texts, and call logs.
- You have started demeaning and insulting your spouse, partner, or friend.
- You have started assuming that your friend is not interested in your friendship or that your partner is not attracted to you.
- You often assume that you are being deliberately excluded from the plans.
- You have started making your friend or spouse feel guilty.
- You find yourself grilling your friend, partner, or spouse about their whereabouts throughout the day.
- You have started accusing and taunting your friend or partner of lying without any proof or evidence.
Why is it important to overcome Jealousy and Insecurity?
When jealousy enters a relationship, it becomes challenging for the relationship to survive and nourish. When jealousy enters between friends, family or at work, it can destroy the relationships. Uncontrolled and unchecked envy can have devastating consequences. A jealous person cannot fully trust others, which restricts their capacity to love fully.
Jealousy is not necessarily a problem. But Jealousy might be a sign of a problem in your relationship.
Jealousy can propagate mistrust, skepticism, and doubt, which can turn into intense and loud emotions. Jealousy is a breeding ground for suspicion, leading to a fear of betrayal. An unintentional outcome is that we constantly check on our partners in an ordeal to catch hold of them. And it leads to extreme possessiveness. Navigating relationships requires mastering the art of overcoming jealousy and envy.
To fix relationships defined by insecurity, possessiveness, and dominance, you should understand the cause of your jealousy and the associated triggers. The answers to understanding jealousy are within you. Once you acknowledge your jealousy, understand the root cause, and work on it, you will be free to savour a relationship built on trust and fairness.
So, are you ready to break your jealous habits? And are you ready to overcome jealousy and insecurity?
How to stop being Jealous: How to overcome Jealousy and Insecurity?
“How to stop being jealous?” And how to overcome jealousy and insecurity?
Well, you are on the right track by asking the right question. Your curiosity is the first step in overcoming jealousy and finding the right solution. With introspection, reflection and self-compassion, you can overcome being a jealous person.
Here are a few tips on how to overcome jealousy:
If you are encountering jealousy, envy or possessiveness for reasons such as failed relationship, defeat, or loss, it is best to acknowledge your feelings. Once you accept that you are feeling jealous and possessive, you can work towards overcoming jealousy.
1. Be honest about the feelings of jealousy
Recognizing and acknowledging your feelings will encourage you to identify what is wrong and what makes you feel upset.
So, the most fundamental solution to the question of how to overcome jealousy is first to acknowledge it and then work towards it.
2. Get to the root cause of your jealousy
Ask yourself what is the source of your jealousy. Is it your own insecurities or past experiences, and is it for real? If your partner or friend is not sensitive, truthful or does not honour your feelings, you have all the reasons to feel jealous and insecure.
But if your jealousy stems from your poor self-image or traumatic past, your insecurities are causing your jealousy. So, getting to the bottom of your heart and resolving your inner conflicts will help you find a solution.
3. Take control of your emotions and mind
If you are struggling with how to overcome jealousy and envy, it is most likely your own mindset that is holding you back. So, taking control of your thought patterns and keeping it focused in the right direction is advisable. The world is not just black and white but also defined by grey areas as well. Do not let your imbalanced cognition cloud your thoughts and distort your relationship.
Even if your jealousy is real, you should deal with it head-on. You should find a solution to it by communicating with your partner or friend in question. Do not keep it with you and suffer in silence. If your jealousy is due to your insecurities, then it is time to transform your thinking.
4. Turn your focus on your strengths
Every human is beautiful and has some unique traits. So what if your partner doesn’t care about the boundaries or your feelings? Does it make you small? If things are not working in your favour and insecurity kills you, it is time to move on.
To pacify the feelings of jealousy, envy, and possessiveness, listen to your inner voice. Turn to your powers, and believe in yourself. Think of the moments you felt proud of yourself. Think of the strengths, skills and abilities you bring to the table. Once you do it, you will see your insecurities fade away, and it will rebuild your self-esteem. Once your insecurities fade away, your jealousy and envy will also fade away.
5. Use your jealousy productively
The best answer to how to overcome jealousy and envy is to use jealousy productively. And here is how to do so!
Jealousy in a relationship can also be real and can have a valid reason behind it. We cannot discount the fact that it can stem from your partner’s actions. It could be the case that your partner has never given you enough reasons to be secure. Or you never received the respect and kindness you deserve from your partner.
But when it comes to others, your partner or friend is very giving, and it turns you off! We all agree that we have high expectations of how we are treated, especially by the people we love. We expect to be treated with kindness, respect, and affection. And we expect our partners and friends to be loyal and honest. When we feel betrayed, we feel insecure, jealous, possessive or resentful.
My words of encouragement
If you feel that your jealousy is justified, you should clearly communicate with your partner or friend. You should tell them how you feel before your jealousy becomes toxic and turns into resentment. Do not directly accuse your partner, but talk to your partner and tell them about a specific situation and how it made you feel left out. It is never advisable to point to your friends or partner’s character. You can simply say what is acceptable and what is not!
You can tell your partner that you feel anxious when you do not know where she is or with whom she is and that you need her to text and keep you posted. Nothing wrong with that. Communication is the key. The more you talk, the better it is. It will make your relationship healthier and more transparent. Tell your partner if certain things make you uncomfortable. Is it that you feel stonewalled, or has your partner’s behaviour become weird lately?
In a relationship, both partners should feel secure, respected and preferred. And therefore, you and your partner shall be upfront, communicative and open with their work relationships and friendships. It will bring transparency and hence make you feel more secure.
As they say, what goes around comes around! You must show that you value your partner by putting them before anything else, like your work, colleagues, and friends. Every time you do this, you build trust and confidence. And in all probability, you will be reciprocated.
Therefore, you can use jealousy for good by understanding your inner feelings and acknowledging each other’s insecurities!
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