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Nothing can be scarier in the relationships and dating world than to realise that you have been ghosted. The worst part is that it all seems to be really going well, until one day when you discover that they have cut all the ties, stopped all the communication and blocked you from all the potential points of contact such as social media, WhatsApp, calls and messages, leaving you clueless about what went wrong. And then you never hear from them again! Yes, it is what exactly ghosting is. Since ghosting doesn’t come with an explanation, it is easy to feel abandoned and insecure. Being ghosted is the worst feeling you can ever think of and is nothing less than emotional abuse that leads to mixed feelings of anger, guilt, resentment and shame. While you can’t avoid ghosting altogether, you can decode why do people ghost you and the reasons for the same, what does ghosting say about a person and what to do when someone ghosts you and comes back? As we go along, I will share my story of being ghosted multiple times and how I dealt with being ghosted eventually to come out strong.
What is ghosting, and what is the meaning of being ghosted?
Ghosting is a common term used quite often in the dating world, but ghosting also happens in our personal and professional relationships more often than you think. Ghosting is when someone you care for suddenly cuts all the ties, stops all the communication and blocks you from all the potential points of contact, such as social media, WhatsApp, calls and messages, without any explanation. And it leaves you clueless about what went wrong. You may spend many days contemplating and figuring out where the other person is, is all okay, what went wrong, and so on? But you never get your answers! Yes, this is exactly what ghosting is. It is when someone you care for decides to cut the cords, walk away and perish from your life because of reasons you would never know.
When someone you love abandons you without giving you any reasons and cuts down all the modes of connections it is a clear sign that you are ghosted. And most of the times person may change house, cities, phone numbers and even your common friends may not be able to help you.
Ghosting has become very common nowadays, and the chances are that many of us have experienced ghosting both in our personal and professional lives at some point or other. Sometimes we may not realise it, but most of us have either ghosted people or have been ghosted by others in the past.
Read Also: Ghosted by the recruiter? Deal with professional ghosting and attain closure!
In fact, I am a classic testimony of ghosting both in my professional and personal lives. And till date, I am adding to the number of people who have ghosted me. While it was upsetting in the beginning, now I understand it. I am no more defined by the number of people who leave me but by the number of people who stay back. And why not? Life’s success is determined by people who have been part of your journey and not by those who never meant anything in the first place. I believe that everyone has a part to play in your life, and it is okay if they wish to leave after playing their part.
Most of the time, people decide to leave and move on to attend to their priorities and build a life for themselves. They may need some time off! And it has absolutely nothing to do with something you have done wrong. It’s just you do not currently fit the best in their plans. But trust me, ultimately, it all happens for good. Although you might take some time to realise the reasons for the same, when you will look back, you won’t regret it at all.
A few years back, a dear friend of mine of almost a decade ghosted me. She and I shared a lot in common, have seen life through thick and thin, shared the same aspirations, and have been a great social support system for each other. But then she started to behave weird and was more distant than before. And then one fine day I realised that she blocked me.
Like really, how can she do this to me? Is she in trouble, or did I offend her somehow?
I tried reaching her out on every channel possible but to no avail. I was perturbed, clueless, and angry. I needed my answers, and I needed my closure.
At least, she could have talked to me and given me a chance before saying goodbye. I would have respected her decision. But this is totally unacceptable. I was sulking and suffering alone. She never gave me any answers and chose to stay mum. And I was forced to find my own closure.
Anyways, days passed by, and I met this person I really liked and wanted to explore my life with. We grew closer despite the inconsistent behaviour the other person exhibited from time to time. But I wanted to pursue it further. So, one fine day I shared my feelings and expressed my desire to move forward with that person. Much to my dismay, the other person chose to abandon me from that moment onwards. I was so much obsessed with that person that I spent the next 15 days chasing and reaching out to them on calls, texts, and social media, only to realise that I was blocked from all the places. I even went to the person’s house, only to know that they do not live there anymore.
Was I so formidable and impactful that the person changed their house overnight? Am I too intimidating, or people are just too weak? These thoughts dominated my mind at that time.
I became obsessed with finding out where did I go wrong. I spent days rewinding the tape of every conversation we had, all things we did, and every possible way I reacted and read all the previous texts and messages that we exchanged to find something that would give me my answers.
Did the person get into an accident?
Is the person in some kind of trouble?
Did I say something wrong?
Where the person is most likely to be?
Should I reach out to their friends and family?
I thought my last conversation was very decent…so why is that person doing this to me?
Why does that person not respond or be reachable anywhere?
Who that person is with?
Will that person ever come back?
Will I be able to forgive that person?
What will I do now?
How will I spend my life alone without them?
And it all eventually ate me from within. I was clearly depressed! I couldn’t sleep properly, almost lost my appetite and lost all the zeal to live my life. I was not able to focus on my work and family. It was all just too much to handle.
Did it break me? Yes, it did! Very badly, but only temporarily.
I spent countless nights obsessing over people who ghosted me in the past, all in vain. I never got my answers. But then I realised I am the victim here, and I should stop blaming myself. It was their call to move on without explaining anything or giving me any opportunity to talk to them. While I am sulking, they are living their lives guilt-free and like a free bird. I definitely do not deserve this, whatever the reasons are.
So, why do people ghost you? Of course, they ghosted me for the reasons they know better. But one thing that I discovered while uncovering a common pattern was that the reasons were mainly to do with their own guilt, insecurities, jealousy and inabilities. Some were jealous of my success, some saw me as a distraction, and some were underconfident in their own achievements. In fact, some were so messed up in their lives that they went to their shells and abandoned everyone else, including me, to fix themselves and set their lives right.
But there was one thing common- they were too coward to face me, say goodbye or dump me on my face. They all abandoned me to avoid causing any emotional discomfort to themselves even if it meant leaving me bitter, clueless and hanging.
Understandable! All of them apparently had reasons where I did not fit in better. Good for them and good for me too.
Finally, I realised that all this was making me negative and bitter. And if I do not do something about it, it can easily become my central tone of communication with others and spoil my relationship with them. The shadows of my past can easily haunt my present, and I chose to break away from those shackles.
Read Also: How to let go of the past? Powerful tips for moving on with your life!
I won’t say I was not hurt, but I am more confident and content now. I do not seek any closure or any explanation from anyone. Rather, I work on attaining my own closure. I have all the compassion to understand that people need their time off to rebuild their lives. They have their own priorities, and I have my own. And when there is no convergence, it is time to let go! So, now I have stopped obsessing over people and rather focus on my own well-being. I now understand that happiness is a choice and I choose to be happy. I have detached my happiness from people, and I am no more a slave to them and their decision to come and go. In fact, the more the number of people who ghost me, the stronger I become.
If they can live without me, I can very well too!
Why does ghosting hurt so much?
Ghosting is never fun, especially when the person who has ghosted you is your friend, love interest or someone close to you. Ghosting is a cruel and immature act committed by the other person and is emotionally and psychologically damaging. To me, it is a form of emotional abuse and psychological assault that causes deep wounds that may take years to heal.
Ghosting is disrespectful to the other person involved and is a kind of punishment inflicted upon them. It is a deliberate attempt to make you suffer and keep you away from attaining your closure. It can prevent the victim achieve congruence, closure or a state of mind where they can move on peacefully. It keeps the victim hanging in a state of dilemma, guilt, shame, shock and hurt caused by the ghoster’s unexplained absence.
In fact, ghosting is the worst feeling you can think of. It can even lead to depression and guilt. You may feel guilty about doing something that you think made the other person abandon you. You may think you did something that led to this silence. You continue to carry the guilt for something you are not even sure of. As a result, you keep punishing yourself for the same and behave in a manner that you normally would not. But in most cases, it is not even true. The other person would have ghosted you to avoid their own emotional dissonance or discomfort and not even have the guts to face you in the first place.
Ghosting is a very cold-hearted thing to do and can upset the other person ten times more than the normal face to face breakup. It can lead to prolonged sulking and brooding and cause you to hurt for periods longer than anticipated. Ghosting can also be a traumatic experience for people causing them to develop trust issues that are not able to overcome. These trust issues can become so prominent that they even seep into your future relationships and destroy them before they even form.
Ghosting also makes you feel abandoned and rejected- feelings that no one likes. It causes serious dents in your self-esteem and self-worth leaving you angry and bitter. It can even make you hold onto resentment.
Ghosting can become painful as it emulates a past hurt or betrayal from a person we loved and trusted the most. It is actually sometimes more painful and damaging than the loss of life. Because in the case of death, you get an acceptance and closure. However, it is very difficult to attain closure and wrap up your head when the other person has abandoned you and deleted you from their life altogether.
Ghosting is indeed the worst punishment you can get.
Phases that people undergo after being ghosted
When you are ghosted, you typically undergo four phases:
- Denial
- Contemplation
- Anger and Resentment
- Acceptance
When you are ghosted, you first undergo a state of denial that something like this can happen to you or someone you love the most can abandon you. And you may resort to things such as flooding the other person with voice messages or texts. You get impatient and even reach out to a common friend or family. But you never get your answers.
Then you slow down a little and take some time off to contemplate what went wrong, where did you go wrong, or if the other person met some emergency? It is not uncommon to question yourself and give the benefit of doubt to the other person. So, you run through all the possible conversations you had with the other person, and revisit all the texts and social media posts, just to find that one clue that will help you get your answers and attain your closure. But to no avail. And only after making all the possible attempts you finally realise that you are the victim of ghosting and that you have deliberately been abandoned and ignored.
Of course, it leads to anger and resentment. You become so bitter, broken and shocked that you can’t think clearly. Many of you may even undergo depression and be traumatised for years. You spend nights thinking about why do people ghost you, and how you have been wronged. But then you finally recover, and acceptance comes only with time.
In the acceptance phase, you accept the harsh realities of life. You are able to accept without any hurt or guilt that you are ghosted and that you are no more defined by it anymore. In fact, you forgive and move on to find your own happiness. But the fourth phase is the most important phase. Many people remain stuck here and are not able to move beyond this phase. Those who do, they free themselves and create a promising future and those who remain stuck keep suffering. So as to move beyond this phase, you must know why do people ghost you and how to deal with being ghosted. Once you know why do people ghost you and how to deal with ghosting, you set yourselves free and choose your happiness over anything else.
Reasons Why do people ghost you?
People ghost you for a variety of reasons that they know better. But the main reason people resort to ghosting is to avoid any uncomfortable situation or outcome that may arise during the face-to-face confrontation. These people believe that it is the best way to deal with their own distress and inabilities than to face the person and communicate.
Most people disapprove of ghosting as a way to end relationships, yet they take this approach. Why? Let’s figure out why do people ghost you?
1. Ghosting is easy
Yes, ghosting is the easiest thing to do. People do not have to go through the emotional trauma of explaining everything, justifying their stance, dealing with an emotional outburst and being held guilty of their actions.
People do not want to invite unnecessary confrontations and be a breaker of the bad news. Ghosting is easier, consumes less emotional energy and time, and is less taxing as opposed to a face-to-face confrontation. So they simply close their eyes and move on peacefully as they do not want to cause any emotional discomfort to themselves.
Also, online dating makes it very easy for people to cut all the ties and ghost. Since people do not know each other’s whereabouts, their social circle and physical coordinates, they feel it is totally okay to cut all ties that otherwise would have been more difficult in an offline relationship.
2. They are broken themselves
Most of the people who ghost you have their own reasons to do so and not because you did something wrong. Some people are so messed up in their lives that they regress to their shells and abandon everyone else to fix themselves and set their lives right. They have more pressing issues to deal with, and you somehow do not fit in with their plans. At least, not for now.
I had one of my childhood friends who ghosted me only to show back 10 years later with an emotional letter detailing how broken he was in his career and life at the time he ghosted me. He apologised for abandoning me but wanted to set his life right and focus on the right things. And now, since he is settled and happy, he wants to reconnect.
He clearly was broken and he cut all the ties with me to set his life right. Now I know it had nothing to do with anything I did wrong. But I am not convinced to welcome him anymore. I have already closed his file.
3. It is an attempt to protect themselves
When a person feels that the relationship is having an adverse effect on their quality of life, they are more likely to protect their well-being and prevent any further heartbreak. For example, they may feel strong emotions toward you, but your behaviour is not consistent, you give mixed signals, and are on and off with them. They know you are someone who will not respond the way they want you to respond as your loyalties lie with someone else. So, they resort cut all their ties with you out of a sudden to arrest any further damage to their heart. Hence it becomes an attempt to ensure their own sanity with the drama that may come with breaking up. People who invest more time and energy in a relationship and who get less in return are more likely to ghost.
4. They are jealous, insecure and underconfident
Sometimes people, especially your close friend, may ghost you because they just can’t handle your success or happiness on one hand and their own inabilities and failures on the other. In my own life, I had people who ghosted me because they were jealous of my success, saw me as a distraction, and were underconfident in their own achievements.
Read Also: How to overcome jealousy and insecurity?
5. They are afraid of rejection if the truth comes out
People often lie about a few things when they meet you, or they may feel embarrassed and uncomfortable about a few things such as their past, job loss, illness or any other lie they told. And they are convinced that if you find out about those things, you will leave them. So, instead, they choose to ghost you to avoid the occurrence of any such situation.
6. You did something wrong
Sometimes people ghost a new person when the other person does something that puts them off, says something that offends them, or acts in a way that doesn’t go well with them. So they kill the relationship then and there only as the stakes are not really high and it is better to ghost than to talk.
7. When the other person makes them feel unsafe
Sometimes people ghost their partner or friend when they think they have become toxic and creepy. They no more feel secure with them and want to cut all the ties off due to safety concerns. They may realise that it is not in their best interest to continue such a relationship as it has become creepy and violent. And ending a relationship abruptly, without any communication has become critical to their safety.
So, these are the seven probable reasons why do people ghost you! Sometimes it has to do with you, and sometimes it has to do with their own personal reasons. So, before you fret, sulk and hold yourself guilty, find out the actual reasons for ghosting.
What does ghosting say about a person?
Ghosting says a lot about you and your personality. A person who resorts to ghosting is certainly a weak personality who does not have enough courage to own up to his decision and communicate the same to the other person head-on. Such a person is often self-centred because they prefer ghosting over confrontation as they do not want to cause any emotional discomfort to themselves. These people are cowards as they fear face to face conflict or confrontations and avoid giving any form of closure to the other person. They just think about themselves without considering the consequences it can have on the other person. Ghosting actually reflects their selfishness, lack of confidence and inability to communicate and own up to their actions.
Howsoever, if ghosting is done for safety concerns, the above things do not hold true.
What to do when someone ghosts you and comes back?
Many times people show up again a few years later after ghosting you. So how do you react to it and what to do when someone ghosts you and comes back? Well, it is a personal choice.
I had one of my childhood friends who ghosted me only to show back 10 years later with an emotional letter detailing how broken he was in his career and life at the time he ghosted me. He apologised for abandoning me but wanted to set his life right and focus on the right things. And now, since he is settled and happy, he wants to reconnect.
But I am not convinced to welcome him or anyone who ghosted me before. When I needed to attain my closure, they chose to abandon me and greet me with unexplained silence and absence. So I deleted them too and moved on. And now I have moved beyond them or their memories and have a better life to focus upon.
However, sometimes the people who resurface in your life after ghosting you, are the ones you still miss being around or are the ones you have forgiven, and you do not mind reconnecting with them. So, you can reconsider their application to be in your life again. However, this time you need to set clear boundaries before you give them a second chance. Also, you need to seek explanations before you decide to let them in again.
I know of a few people who reconnected with the ghoster who reappeared again in their lives, only to seek their closure and ask them a few questions. But then they ghosted the ghoster after seeking their answers instead. Tit for tat!
To sum up, it is completely your choice to let the ghoster enter your life again. But before you do so, you need to evaluate if that person fits in your current situation, holds some meaning and is still relevant in your present life? If no, then you know your answer!
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